


I Still Look At You With Eyes That Want You (when you move, you make my oceans move too)

by moonlight_0



Category: Cloak & Dagger (TV 2018), Runaways (TV 2017)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Powers, Childhood AU kinda, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Jealousy, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn, Underage Drinking, so much pining
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-30
Updated: 2020-10-24
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:53:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 67,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23932597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonlight_0/pseuds/moonlight_0
Summary: ...and throughout the whole night, she makes sure to avoid even coming near Nico, in fear of doing something she'd regret later.She's done with that game.(Or, at least, she so desperately wants to be.)--Karolina falls in love in only a second, but it takes her six years to realize it – for Nico, it takes a little bit longer.
Relationships: Karolina Dean & Nico Minoru, Karolina Dean/Nico Minoru
Comments: 49
Kudos: 231





	1. Chapter 1

There is no explosion the first time Karolina sees her.

It happens on the very first day of fifth grade; their class is small, with only twenty or so children in it, which makes the emergence of an unfamiliar face quite conspicuous. Their head teacher introduces her to the class as Nico Minoru, who has just moved to Los Angeles from the small state of Connecticut. 

Karolina notices her big hair, her chubby cheeks, and that she’s got a somber face. Her mouth is slightly downturned.

There’s no explosion, no hitching of a breath, not even a sparkle of interest, really – but there is warmth; there is a steady, continuous flow of warmness through her chest that heats her up from the inside out, which is a sensation 11-year-old Karolina doesn’t know what to do with, so.

She does nothing.

Nothing aside from paying attention. She doesn’t attempt to spark conversation, to get closer, or to even do a short introduction for the next two and a half years; she doesn’t necessarily go out of her way _to_ avoid Nico, but she does actively resist the weird pull she starts almost instantly feeling towards her. Nevertheless, they don’t get into each other’s space for a good while – that doesn’t mean, however, that Karolina forgets about her. 

Because that sparkle of interest begins to grow slowly but steadily, and immediately after Nico’s first day. Karolina begins to pay attention to the way she walks and _where_ she walks, and to the way she speaks, to her soft, soft little voice, and to the way her mouth forms the words so delicately, as if she is always sure in what she is saying – which probably she is – and Karolina just finds all of her so _cool_. She also notices that Nico is smart, smart in an unnervingly natural way, smarter than most people Karolina knows, and Karolina finds herself fascinated in a silly, childish way by this strange, strange girl who is perfectly _nothing_ like Karolina. In fact, it seems like they are the exact opposite of each other, with the way Karolina always has to be surrounded by friends and play and laugh with them, while Nico is perfectly okay with sitting by herself anywhere and anytime, doing mostly nothing, often listening to music or rarely reading a book.

She does gain herself a few friends, of course – her best friend (or, at least the one she spends most of her time with) becomes Gertrude Yorkes, a short little girl with glasses and with the kind of confidence that most boys find frightening. It doesn’t take Nico long to adjust to the new school, because through Gertrude she can become friends with quite a few kids in class, because Gertrude has a lot of friends. 

Karolina is also friends with a lot of Gertrude’s friends.

And yet, they don’t speak to each other. But, that doesn’t mean that Karolina doesn’t seek out Nico’s gaze whenever something funny happens in class, or that she doesn’t laugh along to Nico’s jokes and vice versa – they don’t interact one-on-one but that doesn’t stop them from developing some sort of strange, quiet connection with each other that nobody else knows about, and sometimes Karolina wonders if _Nico_ even does, or if it’s only her imagination; but then Nico will catch her gaze from across the room when Alex Wilder says something utterly nerdy during Biology, and they'll laugh apart but still somehow _together_ , and it all makes Karolina feel so special that her heart can sometimes barely handle it.

_And yet_ , despite all of this, Nico and Karolina’s paths fail to cross – that is, until the very end of seventh grade.

The circumstances aren’t nice. It is a curiously hot June forenoon and the pavement feels scorching under Karolina’s gym shoes as she begins her fifth lap around the school yard. Their teacher just keeps chanting ‘no stopping’ and ‘a little more’ and Karolina’s head pounds a bit harsher with each command. She wills her feet to keep moving and forces her lungs to breathe, but dots begin to blur her eyesight and it is automatic for her body to halt her pace. Touching a palm to the top of her head, her face scrunches into a grimace at the feel of the burning surface.

“Karolina, no stopping,” she hears far from behind her and squeezes her eyes shut, quietly curses at the PE teacher – but nevertheless drags her foot after the other a little quicker. It only takes a minute or two until she is slowing her steps back down, mouth opening to pant out loudly, her hand going up to wipe at her sweaty forehead. Everything feels on fire as Karolina attempts to stop and rest her palms on her knees for a second – she never gets to, because as soon as she begins leaning forward to do so, her head spins and her vision blurs and soon enough, she is toppling sideways and into unconsciousness.

She awakes on the ground, presumably some seconds later, and the first thing she notices is the sun being blocked from her view. Blinking her eyes open, her mind processes her classmates hovering over her, mouths moving, saying things her brain cannot hear at the moment, then her teacher is hurrying over and putting his arms under her and taking her inside, away from the suffocating heat.

It being a private school, there is a doctor who takes care of Karolina on the spot, and in less than thirty minutes she is ordered to go home. She exits the doctor’s office and scurries away to change out of her PE clothes. She is sitting on a bench in the dressing room, tying her shoelaces and contemplating whether she should call her mom or not, when she hears footsteps and chatter coming her way. It doesn’t take any effort to recognize the voices as Gertrude Yorkes’ and Nico Minoru’s, and she instantly fixes her gaze to her hands on her shoes.

The two girls’ chitchat quiets once they get inside the dressing room, but Gertrude is quick to continue talking like she doesn’t even see Karolina there. Karolina likes Gertrude somewhat, she thinks – she has an air of sureness about herself that Karolina has taken a liking to, and she agrees with most things Gert so passionately likes to speak about sometimes. Nico is a bit of a quieter type, and that makes her harder to read than Gert. It makes Karolina feel all the more intrigued, too.

The two girls go to their respective schoolbags and both fish out their water bottles – Nico is drinking and Gertrude is saying something, they are giggling about something, and Karolina feels like she is intruding on an interaction between two best friends, which she _is_ – and she’s still fumbling lamely with her shoelaces, too scared to look up. Then Gertrude is saying something to Nico and Nico is staying quiet, and Karolina feels the hairs stand on the back of her neck as some sort of warning that there are eyes on her.

Karolina knows Nico is going to speak before it happens.

Her gaze flits up, and her heart is suddenly in her throat because Nico Minoru’s dark, _dark_ eyes are looking right at her.

“Hey,” Nico is saying, and Gertrude is now looking at her too, and Karolina can’t breathe – all of her senses zero in on Nico’s eyes and the way they are suddenly so open, more open than Karolina has ever experienced them, more inviting than Karolina ever dreamed of them being towards her. “You okay?”

It is a simple, softly-spoken question, yet it takes Karolina several seconds to come up with an answer to it.

“Yeah,” she finds herself saying, “I—I think so.” Nico nods at that, eyes still, and Karolina searches for something else to say, terrified of sounding rude. “The doc said it was just the heat, so…”

“Has that, like, happened before?” Nico asks.

“No, never before.”

“Mr Stanley is a bit of a dick, isn’t he?” Gertrude speaks up, and Karolina sees Nico’s lips tug into a small smile. Karolina snorts on a laugh.

“I mean, he is maybe a bit too passionate about PE…”

The way Nico rolls her eyes, then, makes Karolina giggle, but also makes her stomach flip over itself. “He’d literally gladly watch us die if it meant we completed all his stupid laps,” Nico says, and Gertrude nods in agreement.

“Yep,” Karolina sighs out with a shrug of her shoulders, “that pretty much sums him up. But whatever, I have the day off at least.”

  
“You’re going home?” Gertrude asks, turning to her schoolbag to put her bottle away. Nico just fumbles with her own’s cap, gaze fixated on Karolina’s face, and Karolina’s ribs feel too tight for her heart, because she isn’t _used_ to Nico’s attention but it feels so unbelievably _good_ to have it right now.

“Yeah.”

“Who’s taking you?” Nico asks, eyes big but narrowing. 

“I thought of just going,” Karolina admits. “My parents are at work, so.”

“I don’t think you should,” Nico says, and makes a movement that indicates something like she wants to step forward, but she catches herself at last. “You’ve literally just fainted.”

“I feel better now,” Karolina reasons, but her voice comes out unexpectedly weak. She clears her throat.

“Still,” Nico says, tone soft but somehow still dynamic, and Gert looks over at her in surprise. Karolina’s face must look similar, because Nico quickly looks away and stammers; “I—I mean, I just don’t think that’s a good idea considering it’s still… hot. Outside.”

Karolina’s heart thuds loudly in her ears. It also feels heavy, asudden, and she thinks it is from pity, because Nico looks terribly embarrassed at what she’d just said.

“Yeah,” Karolina’s mouth is saying before her brain could catch up, “you’re probably right. I’ll call my mom.”

Nico’s lips part a bit, then, but she nods with some sort satisfaction across her face. Gertrude then tells her that they should probably head back to PE before Mr Stanley ‘flips his shit’, and the two girls leave the dressing room with simple byes – Karolina still feels the effects of the conversation in her mother’s car fifteen minutes later.

//

Karolina spends the summer with her parents and her friends, mostly with Chase Stein. In August, she goes to Malolo Island with family on summer vacation, and she starts her school year in September with lighter shoulders and a sun-kissed hue to her cheeks.

(And she denies, denies, _denies_ it reverently to herself that she spent at least three-quarter of the summer just thinking and wondering and _dreaming_ about Nico Minoru’s eyes and face and voice and the words she’d said to her – because it _cannot_ be a reality, not yet, maybe not ever.)

Eight grade begins, and nothing is different yet it feels like everything has changed – because now Nico’s eyes don’t only find Karolina’s when something funny happens, or when somebody says something weird; she is now seeking out eye contacts out of nowhere, at random times and because of meaningless reasons, and Karolina’s whole body vibrates with how _much_ all these new little interactions make her feel. It feels endless, the warmth Nico’s gaze puts inside of her.

It also feels abnormal.

But, Karolina can’t not return the looks, the barely-there smiles, the friendly waves here and there. They make a habit of it – Karolina’s mom has always dropped her off sooner than Nico arrives to school, and each morning, Karolina will sit in her seat inside the classroom, chatting away with Chase or somebodies, and Nico will arrive in her fully black clothes and combat boots and strange, black jewelry, and stepping through the classroom’s door she will send Karolina the tiniest of a wave – oftentimes only a nod or a head tilt – with a smile so agonizingly sweet, it will have Karolina’s body aching from head to toe. Karolina will wave back, or nod back, and it will almost always make Nico’s small smile widen slightly. And it has her feeling _special_ in ways she’s never known before, because Nico doesn’t ever look at anybody else when she enters, or if she does, it’s with a scowl scary enough to make anybody looking her way avert their eye.

And each morning, Karolina will think; _I would climb all the mountains and cross any river for you,_ and her heart beats along with that thought all throughout the day.

//

In February, Karolina turns fourteen, and her mother comes up with the idea of a birthday party – it is Karolina’s instant reaction to debunk it, but Leslie Dean is anything but meek. Karolina sends out Facebook invitations, and it is an impulse decision to include Nico and Gertrude on the list; the following day, Nico’s morning wave seems a little friendlier than usual, and Karolina finds herself silently thanking her mother for her persistence. 

The day comes rapider than Karolina would like, though. Their living room is fully decorated and her cake is safely put away in the fridge and the entire house is glowing from its cleanness by the time the first guests begin to arrive. It is Chase – obviously – with a girl from some other school, who Karolina doesn’t recognize. Chase is way too enthralled by his companion to remember to introduce them to each other, but then Karolina forgets all about them as her doorbell rings out once more. In about half an hour everyone except two people have arrived, and a nervous knot begins forming in Karolina’s stomach.

What if they don’t show up?

She feels mortification creep up her spine, and she is just beginning to curse herself for being so _stupid_ and invite people she isn’t even _remotely_ friends with, when the front door swings open to reveal Gertrude, Nico, and Gertrude’s little sister, Molly standing behind it.

Karolina’s stomach flips. Sucking in a big breath, she hurries across the living room to greet her new guests.

“Hi,” she is saying several feet away from them, and the music is quite loud, but Nico’s eyes are so firmly set on her that Karolina knows she heard. The trio greet her with smiles and hey's, and Karolina feels her shoulders relax, unclenches her fists. “Come on in, everyone’s already here.”

“Sorry, Nico had to try on at least seven hundred different outfits before we could leave, and then she couldn’t find your present and we had to search her entire giant fucking house, so.”

“Would you shut up, Gert?” Nico murmurs to her friend, and Karolina can’t even form a coherent thought after Gertrude’s sentence. She begins the processing by raking her gaze over Nico’s 700th outfit – a black crop-top that shows just a tiny bit of belly skin, with a black mid-thigh skirt and black boots – it is so entirely worlds away kind of different from Karolina’s baby pink dress, that it almost makes her laugh a little bit. She also can’t remember ever seeing Nico in a skirt before, which is a thought that makes her entire face heat up for some reason.

“You—you didn’t have to get me a present, I don’t think most people did…”

“Told you,” Gertrude sing-songs to Nico, and Nico’s eyes have not left the carpet since this conversation started, so Karolina claps once.

“Anyway,” she says, “let’s get you guys drinks. The kitchen’s this way,” Karolina motions for them to follow, and they do without much fuss. Gertrude begins rambling about some kid she sees in the living room’s corner, and it is mostly Molly who engages in the conversation – Nico is looking around, up at the ceiling, all around each room. “So. We have apple juice, orange juice, Coke, Mountain Dew, Fanta…” Karolina lists while lining up three glasses on the counter. “Or I can get bubbly water if you’d like, and we also have iced tea somewhere, I think.”

“Me and Molly will have orange juice,” Gertrude decides.

“But I wanted Coke,” Molly objects immediately, and it seems like Gertrude expected it, because her eye-roll is automatic. “What?! Coke has caffeine in it and I need to stay up!”

“I’m sure Karolina has a bed you can borrow.”

“Gert!”

Karolina can’t hear Gertrude’s response because Nico catches her gaze to share a half-annoyed, half-joking little smile, and for some reason all of Karolina’s senses center in on Nico’s face; on her dark eyes and almost equally dark red lips, on the arch of her eyebrow and the paleness of her skin. Karolina forces herself to smile back, but she feels that it is timid – it makes her feel awkward, so she quickly diverts her gaze with a clear of her throat.

“So, what are you having?” She asks from all three of them, but no one answers for a moment – Gertrude and Molly are still quarreling, now about how Molly wasn’t even technically invited so she should be grateful for her sister that she even brought her along – so it is Nico who answers.

“Whatever’s fine,” she says, all cool and collected. Karolina’s hand wants to curl back into a fist, but she forces it open.

“Well, do you want juice or soda?” Karolina asks, gaze firmly planted on the bottles on the counter.

“Soda’s fine—”

Leslie chooses that moment to make her presence known.

“Hi girls,” she exclaims way too enthusiastically, waving at the three girls like some sort of crazy person; if Karolina were in their places, she would feel scared of her. Instead, now she just feels mortified. Nico’s face stays expressionless as they greet Leslie, but Gertrude and Molly do quiet down. “Glad you could make it! Why don’t you put your bags down upstairs after Karolina gives you your drinks, and then we can cut the cake. How’s that sound?” She directs that to Karolina, who only nods in response.

“I’ll take your bags upstairs,” she says as she hands out the glasses, and Nico’s gaze meets hers – Karolina doesn’t know if it’s normal to literally flush from embarrassment from that, but it happens nonetheless. 

“No, we can—I’ll go with you,” Nico says, and Karolina’s mouth opens a little in surprise; she licks her lip, but nods once again, and watches Gertrude and Molly hand Nico their bags; Nico then looks at her with an awaiting expression, so Karolina begins walking towards the stairs without further ado. 

Nico’s boots make quite a heavy sound as she follows closely behind, and as they start their way up the stairs Karolina knows all this would be awkward if it weren't for the music and people's chatter. That thought is what sends her to blurt out the first thing that comes into her mind.

“I love your scent.” 

It sounds so eerily bizarre, Nico nearly trips on the final step.

“I mean—your perfume’s nice,” Karolina quickly corrects, but it doesn’t make it much better. Nico murmurs a quiet thanks and thankfully, they arrive to Karolina’s room. “Just put them on the bed,” Karolina says, and Nico does as she is told.

“Amy got it for me,” Nico says, turning to face her. Karolina wills herself to maintain eye-contact like a normal human, and she can’t remember it ever being this difficult before. “Last Christmas, I think. Don’t know what it’s called, but I can check once I get home if you want.”

“Oh, God no,” Karolina snorts out with a shake of her head. “I didn’t say that because I wanted to smell like you.” Only once it’s said does she realize how weird that sounds. At the jump of Nico’s eyebrow, she quickly adds; “No offense. I mean—I mean I doubt _you’d_ want me to smell like you all the time, right? I mean that’s just weird—”

“None taken,” Nico interrupts, and she is smiling; Karolina doesn’t understand what about it makes the breath catch in her lungs, or if that’s normal – she has no time to dwell on it though, not now… maybe not ever. “I guess it _would_ be weird.”

It’s silence after that, because Nico is not much of a talker – Karolina is, but apparently not when Nico is around. With an awkward clear of throat, Karolina says; “Well, let’s just—”

“Yeah,” Nico quickly agrees, “let’s get back down.”

They do wordlessly. Downstairs, the music is a bit louder than before, and it sends a thrill of excitement to Karolina’s chest; this is her birthday party, all of her friends are here, and all of them – even Nico – is here for _her_. Leslie then calls for her to cut the cake, her father puts on the happy birthday song, and as Karolina closes her eyes to blow out all 14 of the candles, her only wish is for this night to go as perfectly as it possibly can.

//

It doesn’t come true.

Well, not that anything actually goes wrong – no, the party actually turns out fun, because people dance and talk and laugh all night, including Karolina herself, but. She doesn’t get another chance to even say a word to Nico. She sees her sometimes, with Gert and Molly and Alex Wilder, but their paths don’t cross another time for the remaining of the party, and that, for some reason, leaves Karolina feeling disappointed by the of the night. 

At around 2 AM, however, when everybody has left and Karolina is just getting ready for bed, her phone dings with a Facebook notification. Her heart leaps out of its place when she sees that it’s from Nico Minoru, saying; _‘Hey, you probably already found it, but I left your present in your room next to your nightstand. Sorry I didn’t get the chance to give it to you. Happy b-day, Karolina.’_

Karolina almost falls over her own feet in her haste to get to the nightstand, and sure enough, there is a small, white gift bag waiting for her on the floor. Her heart races as she sits on the bed and reaches into it with shaky fingers. It feels like some sort of secret, makes it feel intimate in some way that Nico’s present has just been sitting in her room, waiting for her to unveil it. Inside, there’s chocolate and scented candles and a small, light brown teddy with happy birthday written on its belly; Karolina’s first instinct is to bring it up to her nose to see if Nico’s scent lingers on it – it doesn’t, obviously, because why would it, but a smile still splits her face in half as she crushes the toy to her chest.

_‘Just found it. Thanks, you really didn’t have to, Nico._ _😊_ _’_ she sends back, and it’s read immediately.

_‘I know,’_ Nico’s reply comes, _‘but I wanted to. Sorry they’re such basic gifts, didn’t really know what you like.’_

Karolina wipes her suddenly sweaty palms on her pants, and God, she cannot understand how it is possible for someone’s appearance to be this deceptive; because Nico is dark and serious and _broody_ , and wears the same cold expression 90% of the time, but now she is being the kindest, nicest person Karolina ever could imagine, and it just isn’t _fair_ , it _really_ isn’t fair.

_(She wonders if it would be easier if Nico turned out to be a bitch, or like, really rude and unfriendly or something, but she genuinely can’t ever be sure about anything at all when it comes to her.)_

Her face feels excessively hot as she types back, _‘Dw this is perfect. Love the bear. Thanks, really!!’_

She climbs into bed with the plush, squeezes it against herself as she turns to her side. She stares at her phone for a couple of more minutes, sees the ‘delivered’ change to ‘read’, but just as she expects, no reply comes after that. She closes her eyes with an almost achingly big grin.

So maybe her wish did come true, after all.

//

(In March, when Nico turns fourteen, Karolina doesn't forget to send a happy birthday message. Nico's response is kind and immediate, as if she's been waiting for it.)

//

High school comes like a breath of fresh air.

It’s not that Karolina had any problems with her elementary school, or that she didn’t like her previous classmates – no, it’s just that she’s _bored_. She is so bored out of her mind with everything, and she _has_ been bored for so long, it truly feels like a salvation that something new, something _different_ is _finally_ happening in her life.

She gets into one of the best private schools in the state, and so do some of her old classmates – like Chase, Alex Wilder, Gertrude Yorkes, and Nico, amongst others.

Of course, Nico too. She was one of the smartest in their whole class.

She only becomes classmates again with Chase and Alex, while Gertrude and Nico end up in a different class – they _do_ all share P.E, however, and she also has advanced Biology and intermediate French with Nico.

During the first half of 9th grade, Karolina gets closer with Tandy, a classmate of theirs. She takes a quick liking to her because she is honest and has the kind of humor that Karolina understands and can add to, and she soon becomes one of Karolina’s closest friends. Chase also finds a good friend in Alex Wilder, and by the end of 9th grade the four of them are hanging out together almost daily.

Karolina sees Nico sometimes on the hallways, and during their shared classes – she even tries to speak to her once in P.E, says something about how she loathes running, and Nico nods with that weird sparkle in her eyes that she sometimes has – but before she could reply anything, she gets dragged away by Gertrude, leaving Karolina just sighing with defeat.

As it turns out, Nico’s big sister Amy also goes to this school, and Karolina sees them together quite a lot; for example during lunch, or just in breaks between classes. Karolina has never spoken a word to Amy, but just by the way she looks at Nico Karolina can say she likes her. She doesn’t dress gothic, but they have the same eyes and same set of incredible white teeth. Sometimes as Karolina watches them from afar, she wishes she could hear their conversations and listen in on their jokes and laugh along with them.

She has no idea what the fuck’s wrong with her, because she _knows_ these desires aren’t normal, but. It is what it is.

Sophomore year passes by similarly to freshman year, in a sort of haze and with not much happening. Chase tries to ask her on a date in December but Karolina declines, claims they are perfect as best friends, and doesn't understand why the first thing that flashes through her mind at the question is Nico Minoru's brown eyes. She doesn't dwell on it too much, doesn't allow herself to. In February she turns sixteen, and Nico sends her a happy birthday message, and Karolina does the same in March for Nico's birthday.

The months begin to blur into each other as Karolina’s days are filled with studying for tests and writing essays and completing homework, and then meeting with her friends in most afternoons. It feels like in just a blink of an eye it is already May and the sun is shining again, and then her sophomore year is finishing and summer is tickling the back of her neck with persistence.

In June, they go on summer vacation to Dublin, and it is then that Karolina starts wondering if her parents are going to divorce. Once back home, she spends the majority of her days with her friends – sometimes only Chase will come over, sometimes she’ll go to Tandy’s, and oftentimes they’ll meet up with Alex to do something fun, or maybe to just sit at one of their houses for a few hours. It is during one of those sessions that Alex tells them that Gertrude Yorkes has invited them to a house party.

“Who now?” Asks Tandy, while Chase is already yelling about how they’re going to ‘get shit-faced’ together for the first time.

“Gert Yorkes,” Alex repeats. “They have a huge house, and a jacuzzi, too.”

“Who’s Gert Yorkes?”

“She goes to our school,” Karolina replies, looking at Alex with narrowed eyes. “Alex, are you sure she invited us?”

“Yes!” Alex is nodding with widened, excited eyes. “We talked yesterday and she invited me.”

  
“Is she hot?” Tandy asks, and Alex falters for a second.

“Well, I mean…”

“Yes,” Chase cuts in, grinning from ear to ear like a child on Christmas. Karolina wonders if this is going to be their first actual _party_ party. The thought of it sends flutters to her chest, but she isn’t trying to get her hopes up yet. “Very.”

“Then why the hell would she invite _you_?” Tandy says to Alex, who sends her a look. Karolina snickers.

“The hell’s that supposed to mean?” Alex whines, but he doesn’t wait for an answer. “Well whatever, it’s not like you have to come if you don’t want to. I can go by myself.”

“I mean, she did only invite _you_ , Alex,” Karolina says. “That doesn’t mean she meant us, too.”

“I asked her. She said the more the merrier.”

“Since when are you and Gert this close, by the way?” Chase asks, and Karolina eyes him – she knows that tone, and apparently so does Tandy by the look she sends her way. Karolina bites her lip to stifle a laugh.

“Uh, since like fifth grade?” Alex deadpans. “So, are you coming or not? It’s this Friday, and I need to text Gert how many of us are going as soon as possible.”

“I mean, I’m in,” Karolina says. She likes Gertrude, even though they haven’t talked much, or more like basically almost never, really. But that doesn’t mean she can’t like her, and anyway, Gert came to her birthday party two years ago, so it is only fair Karolina attends, too. “I like Gert.”

“Me too, fuck it,” Tandy sighs out with a shrug. “I like a jakuzzi.”

“Great,” Alex says, already pulling out his phone to text the answer. “Four guests, then.”

//

That week, it feels like the days pass with agonizing slowness, and by the time Friday finally rolls around Karolina’s anticipation is through the roof. She spends the majority of her afternoon figuring out what to wear, doing her hair and makeup, and re-thinking every one of those actions a hundred times. Alex’s mom gives them a ride to Gertrude’s, and as they exit the car in front of the giant house, Karolina’s entire body feels like it is vibrating.

It’s only as they get closer that they hear the music. Chase opens the front door with unwavering confidence, and it is loud – everything inside is loud. There aren’t as many people as Karolina expected, but the living room is still basically packed; Alex leads them to the kitchen, which is also buzzing with kids from the school. And there’s alcohol; now Karolina would be lying if she said she’s that familiar with the substance, but she’s had alcohol before, both at family gatherings and with her friends – she’s even gotten tipsy once with Chase about 4 months ago, when they got bored and decided to raid Chase’s dad’s bar cabinet.

Before she could blink twice a glass is already shoved into her hand and Tandy is looking at her, holding up her own glass to clink it against hers – and Karolina obliges, watches all her friends throw back the shots – and she follows suit. 

She hates alcohol.

They spend the next hour or so there, fooling around, talking with people from school. Karolina begins to feel the third shot’s effects, so she leans back against the kitchen counter for some support – and then she silently thanks heaven above that she did, because she spots Nico Minoru from across the room, and her knees suddenly feel like they want to give out from underneath her.

She’s wearing leather pants and some sort of bralet. It is black, that much she can tell, and her long, dark hair is put up in a complicated looking half-bun. Karolina can’t see her that well from the crowd and the lack of lightning, but she _can_ see the way Nico’s gaze finds hers crystal clear.

And it’s like electricity – it’s like shock wave, it’s like a bolt of lightning, the way Nico simply looking at her cuts right into Karolina’s chest. And Karolina just stares, because she can’t _not_ ; and she doesn’t notice how weird it all is until Nico sends her a hesitant nod. Karolina diverts her gaze so fast, her neck cracks from it.

“Sorry, what?” She asks Tandy, who’s been speaking for the past several seconds.

“Jeez, what the hell just got you so flustered?” Tandy demands, and she is about to turn her head to look in Nico’s direction; Karolina grips her arm before that could happen. Tandy’s eyebrows shoot up to her forehead. “Okay, now I’m intrigued.”

“It’s nothing.”

“You better talk fast, Dean, because I’m about to turn around and gawk at whoever you were just flirting with from across the whole damn room.”

“It’s nobody, really,” Karolina says, and she looks into Tandy’s eyes – _please don’t make a deal out of this._

“Ugh, fine,” Tandy sighs. “But you owe me.”

“Owe you?” Karolina cracks up. “Owe you for what, idiot?”

“For your secret!” Tandy gasps out. “C’mon, I thought we weren’t keeping secrets!” She tries to say it seriously, but they are both already laughing – Karolina’s stomach still drops a little.

“We aren’t,” she says nevertheless. “Now come on, let’s dance.”

But before that could happen, Karolina hears a slightly distant ‘hey,’ and it’s a bit hard to decipher from the noise and the music but she doesn’t even need to look to know it is Nico. She does look, though, and she’s there, giving a one-armed hug to Alex standing next to them. Tandy is asking her something, but Karolina just simply can’t focus because Nico is close now, closer than they’ve been these past couple of years, and Karolina yearns for something she doesn’t know how to name.

As they separate, Alex is talking to Nico to which she is smiling, nodding, and then turning her head to look right at Karolina, as if she’s just said something, but Karolina knows she hasn’t – and her heart is suddenly in her throat.

“Hey,” Nico is saying again, this time to her.

“Hi,” Karolina finds herself replying, despite her mouth feeling numb. Nico’s eyes are clear, open in a way, but they are hidden behind dark makeup and it looks— _amazing_. Her clothes, the jewelry, the boots, the chains, the belts, the satanic symbol on her necklace; it all looks so appealing, so _captivating_ to Karolina that for a moment, she can’t even think straight just from looking at her. “This your party?” She asks just to say something, feeling willing to do anything to keep her attention just a second or two longer. 

“Nope,” Nico shakes her head, her mouth tugging into a polite smile. “Well, I mean I might as well say it is, considering how much I helped Gert plan it.”

“Ah, don’t let her take all the credit,” Karolina grins, and Nico returns it. Karolina’s heartbeat is rapid, insistent in her chest, and it’s the only thing reminding her that this isn’t some sort of lucid dream. 

“Where is she, anyway?” Alex asks. “Chase’s gone off to look for her but I haven’t seen either since.”

“Chase?” Nico says, brows furrowing. “Why would Chase be looking for Gert?”

“Don’t ask me,” Alex shrugs.

“He wants to bone, probably,” Tandy butts in, and Karolina laughs while Alex nods – Nico’s eyebrows just rise a bit higher. 

“For real?”

Karolina grimaces, “well, I don’t know…”

“Yeah,” Tandy gives a huge nod for emphasis. “Trust me, for real.”

“Oh, God,” Nico moans with a dramatic roll of her eyes, “now that’s a recipe for disaster.”

“Why’d you say that?” Alex says, “Chase’s not that bad…”

“He is literally the epitome of what Gert _isn’t_ into,” Nico reasons and they laugh, and she is right, Karolina thinks. Even though she doesn’t really know Gert, everyone who’s been her classmate has heard at least a few of her rants about feminism or trans rights or race issues, and about how we as a society need to bring the patriarchy down.

And Chase is just… well, Chase.

“Opposites attract, maybe,” Tandy says with a shrug, and Karolina’s heart flutters at the sentiment – she doesn’t know why, and she can’t bring herself to wonder about this right now. 

“Wanna dance?” She asks instead from no one in particular, but once it’s said, she does make an effort to lock her gaze on Nico – letting her know the offer extends to her, too. Her expression turns hesitant for a moment, but then Tandy half-yells a _‘yes, fucking finally,’_ and Alex is already pushing at Nico’s back to get her moving, and she doesn’t need any more convincing than that. 

Karolina feels glad, because she really wasn’t ready to depart from Nico’s company so soon.

In the living room, the crowd has gotten considerably larger, and Karolina’s skin buzzes with excitement; this _is_ her first actual party, after all. The four of them find a semi-vacant space and begin to move around, and Karolina feels her muscles relax, feels her shoulders unclench, because this is something she can do; to dance, jump around with Tandy, laugh at Alex’s stupid moves.

Her brain can’t ignore however the new, unusual presence of Nico, and so can’t her eyes; her gaze keeps getting stuck on her face, on her body, on the way she moves, because she just looks so _good_ – her moves are minimal yet cool, and it is so clear that she doesn’t need to try _at all_ to appear the way that she appears; relaxed, confident, having fun in an easy-going, nonchalant way. Karolina finds herself feeling almost envious of it, but really it’s just more like a hunger in her stomach that she doesn’t know how to tame.

In an attempt to avoid staring too long, Karolina turns her attention to Tandy; she immediately notices, and it is automatic that she moves closer to Karolina, takes ahold of her hand, spins her around and makes her laugh; but Karolina can’t stop herself from paying attention to Nico out of the corner of her eyes, to see if she’s watching, and to simply just _see_. 

She’s not really watching, because Alex’s got her attention again, but Karolina doesn’t mind. Seeing Nico’s smile is rewarding enough, regardless of its cause.

(She _hates_ her brain for thinking ridiculous shit like that.)

They dance for about an hour. In that time, the shots Karolina took begin to properly take effect, and with her head dizzy and eyes hazy, she can’t bring herself to stop staring at Nico; her eyes fail to oblige her brain to look away, and it takes Nico about 2 or 3 minutes to catch onto it – Karolina’s so far gone, she can’t even be embarrassed. It feels like a dream when instead of asking why the hell she’s staring or looking away, Nico just returns the look – wordlessly, with no hint of a laugh or unease. She does briefly raise an eyebrow, however, and that is what pulls Karolina out of whatever daze she’s just fallen into. 

“Sorry,” Karolina says, and hopes Nico can read her lips as the music drowns out her voice. 

Nico’s response is a confused little head tilt. It has Karolina chuckling, ducking her head and blushing so furiously, it feels like somebody just dumped hot water on her face. Before she could say or do anything to make it all less awkward, Nico steps away from Alex’s side and saunters closer to her. She does it so naturally that Tandy and Alex don’t even really notice it – they just continue to dance, inattentively moving closer to each other to give Nico room to move.

Nico leans up a bit, and Karolina leans down to her hear ask, “What’s up?” Karolina hears the hidden meaning, the _‘why the fuck are you staring at me and laughing,_ ’ and Karolina’s pulse quickens so drastically – both from Nico’s proximity and the entire situation – that she has to squeeze her hands into fists, dig her nails into her palms so her brain can focus on _something_ else.

“Shit, nothing,” Karolina laughs out, breathless. She has to lean in close to Nico’s ear to be heard, and she smells _heavenly_. “I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“What’d you mean?” Nico asks and her mouth is curling into a smile, but she bites her lip at last to prevent it.

“I’m just like… really drunk, I think,” Karolina admits and she’s laughing, feeling silly. Nico snickers, which makes her bury her face in her hands. “God, I’m done.”

“Do you like, need to sit or something?” Nico asks and she is being nice, but she is also holding back laughter – but she looks so lovely doing it, Karolina can’t even bring herself to feel ashamed. 

“No,” Karolina chuckles out, and Nico then lets out a short little laugh that makes her eyes crinkle. It also makes her the most beautiful Karolina’s ever seen her. “I’m just a bit dazed.”

“I’m stone sober,” Nico admits with an eye-roll. “We had like two shots with Gert before people starting arriving, but that was like four hours ago, and I literally haven’t seen her since.”

“She’s probably with Chase,” Karolina grins.

“You think so?”

“I’m pretty sure, I mean,” she looks around, “Chase’s been MIA since we got here, too.”

“Ugh,” Nico makes a face. “I really don’t know how to feel about that.”

Karolina snorts, “Me neither.”

“I’m going to get a drink,” Nico says, “Wanna come with?”

Karolina does her best to hide her surprise. “Sure.”

With that, Nico reaches down to gently grab onto her wrist and begins leading her out the living room. She thinks they are about to take a turn to the left into the kitchen, but instead, Nico pulls her towards the back door and out into the patio. She swiftly lets go of her, and a yearning so deep it literally aches instantly hits Karolina in the chest.

Outside, there’s only a few people smoking, and Nico wordlessly leads Karolina to the corner of the patio, where there is a table with several bottles of booze on it.

“What’s this?” Karolina asks. Out here, they don’t have to yell, but the quiet also makes her a bit nervous.

“People brought so much that it couldn’t fit in the kitchen anymore.“

“Oh, were we supposed to bring our own stuff?”

“No, no,” Nico lines up two paper cups on the table, and motions for Karolina to sit on the bench. “I don’t know why people thought they should bring anything, we didn’t tell anybody to.”

“That’s weird.”

“So what are you having?”

  
“Uh, I don’t think I should have any more…”

“Oh c’mon,” Nico deadpans. “Don’t make me drink alone.”

“I had so much more than you already!” Karolina argues, and it makes Nico smile briefly. “We just talked about it.”

“So what?” Nico widens her eyes for emphasis. “It’s not like you’re drunk, surely you can handle one more?”

  
Karolina lets out a heavy sigh. Nico stares at her with expectancy, and for a moment Karolina forgets to answer, because Nico’s eyes are certainly the most incredible things Karolina’s seen in a while. 

“Just one?” She eventually says.

Nico’s smile widens. “Just one, I promise.”

“Fine. Whatever you’re having, then.”

Nico hums, then grabs a bottle of vodka and some soda. Karolina gets distracted watching her hands as she makes the drinks, but she does notice her pouring a lot less vodka in the one she then hands over to Karolina – Karolina is grateful for the kind consideration. 

Nico then sits next to her, says; “I put less in yours.”

Karolina nods. “I saw, thanks.”

There is a long beat of silence after that, and Karolina racks her brain to come up with something to say. She thinks of the first time they spoke and she panicked and told Nico that she smelt good, and she remembers the mortification of that interaction. Now she is drunk, and she feels like her tongue is even more loose, and she’s beginning to feel panic set in as the silence just stretches and stretches and—

“I don’t even like alcohol,” Nico states. Karolina’s inner monologue shuts down, and all she can focus on is how nice and _soothing_ Nico’s voice sounds in the humid evening air.

“Then why’d you drink it?”

“I dunno,’ Nico shrugs. “Probably to look cool or something.” Karolina looks over at her with raised brows. Nico snorts on a laugh, and it puts a way-too-wide smile on Karolina’s face. “What?”

“As if.”

“You know, just because I look like a witch, I’m still just a teenager.” Karolina detects the joking tone, the humorous glint in her eye, and she laughs – Nico is fun, she is beginning to think, regardless of how stoic she seems and sounds with everybody, always. Karolina likes this version more.

“Could’ve fooled me.”

Nico grins at her, “Oh, I know. That’s the point.”

Karolina chuckles. “To seem like a _witch_ to people?”

“I mean—” Nico’s grin is big, and it almost puts Karolina off-guard, because in the six years she’s known her, she can’t recall ever seeing Nico’s face like that. “Who says I’m not one?”

“Oh, right,” Karolina makes a joking eye roll. “I like, not once thought of that, by the way.”

“Of what?”

“Of you seeming like a witch,” Karolina snorts. “I mean, c’mon.”

Nico lets out a dramatic gasp. “What?”

“You’ve got a way too innocent face.”

“No I don’t,” Nico immediately protests, making Karolina laugh. “Yo, I do not have an innocent face,” and she is full-on chuckling, and it’s such a lovely sound, it puts a flutter in Karolina’s chest.

“You do though. It’s edging on cute, actually,” it’s said before Karolina could think twice, and she is instantly regretting it – but Nico doesn’t even react, only lets out an annoyed moan.

“Shut up, now.”

“Just being honest,” Karolina giggles.

“Literally no one’s ever told me I have an innocent face.”

“Maybe I see you in a different light, then,” Karolina offers with a little smirk. Nico catches it, returns it, but ducks her head soon after.

“Well, it’s not true.”

“Wow, that really hurts you, huh?”

“You know what, now you’re just being rude,” Nico says and they both laugh, and Karolina feels weightless. 

They fall silent for a moment, then. It isn’t really uncomfortable anymore, and Karolina doesn’t panic – it feels calm, natural in a way, and Karolina basks in the warmth everything about Nico makes her feel.

It’s Nico who shatters the silence, again.

“I needed this.” Karolina looks at her; her vision isn’t quite the best at the moment, but she can make out Nico’s smile turning slightly sadder.

“What’d you mean?”

“This party. I’m pretty sure Gert’s planned it for me, honestly,” she smiles. “She’s great like that.”

Karolina hums. “Why did she plan it for you?”

“I don’t know,” Nico shakes her head a bit, gaze flickering down. Karolina hasn’t ever really noticed before how genuinely pretty Nico’s side profile is, but now, looking at her sharp jawline and perfectly pointed chin in her drunken state, it doesn’t even feel real that a girl like this is sitting next to her right now. “It's just… with my mom, things are a bit—”

A loud “Nico!” interrupts from the door, and they both whip their head towards it. Karolina nearly curses out loud that Nico’s sentence got cut off, but she doesn’t have time to think about it as Nico is already scurrying off of the bench and rushing out apologies. 

“That’s Molly, she’s supposed to stay upstairs in her room because she’s like 14, and I still haven’t seen Gert anywhere so… I’ll catch you later, okay?”

“Yeah, sure,” Karolina assures. “Go.” Nico does give an apologetic smile, but she is off in the next second, and Karolina is left alone with her glass of vodka and her thoughts.

Nico does not catch her later, in fact, they don’t see each other again for the remaining of the night, but many, many hours after, Karolina arrives home with a smile on her face.

//

The following week they meet again, and it’s strange; Karolina isn’t used to seeing Nico (or any of her classmates) during summer break, and it’s a new kind of excitement when Alex lets them know through their group chat that Nico, Gert and some other guy is coming over to his house one afternoon. Chase’s enthusiasm immediately goes through the roof at the prospect of seeing Gert, and Karolina knows she’s feeling similarly, but she does her best to push it down as deep as it can go.

She also refuses to acknowledge that she spends like an hour more than necessary getting ready for the hang-out, and she even curls her hair. When leaving the house, she’s grateful for her parents that they don’t mention it, or that they fail to notice.

When Karolina arrives, everyone except Tandy is already there. Walking inside Alex’s room, all eyes turn to her but the only ones _she_ really notices are Nico’s – it’s ridiculous, really, the way her cheeks start burning and her hands begin to shake from the anticipation that Nico is _here_ – but she does her best to not let any of it show. Gert and Nico’s friend introduces himself as Tyrone, and then Karolina makes an effort to not indulge herself in Nico’s company immediately, because as much as she wants that, she doesn’t know if Nico feels the same.

_(She probably doesn’t, because why the hell would she, when there are so many others around.)_

Not long after Karolina, Tandy arrives as well, and when she gets introduced to Tyrone it’s like there are stars in her eyes for a moment, and Karolina wonders if that happens to her, too, when talking to Nico – she immediately shoos that thought far, far away, because there’s no similitude there, there _can’t be_.

An hour or so later, Karolina has talked to everyone _but_ Nico, and it makes her feel out of place, somehow. She thought that after the party this would come easier, but it doesn’t – approaching Nico is still just as difficult and nerve-wracking and impossible-feeling as before, and it still makes every single nerve in her body jiggle.

She’s sitting on Alex’s bed with Tandy, so she takes the opportunity to ask; “What’d you think of Tyrone?”

“What?” Tandy plays dumb, and Karolina rolls her eyes at her. 

“What’d you think of him?”

“Of Tyrone?” Tandy whispers. “I don’t know. Why? Do you like him or something?”

“No,” Karolina snorts. “I’m asking if _you_ like him.”

“What? No,” Tandy grimaces, and for a moment Karolina almost believes it. Then she ruins it; “Pff, I don’t even know him.” 

Karolina looks at her, then looks over at Tyrone – then next thing she knows, she is looking right into Nico’s eyes and rapidly blushing. Nico holds the eye-contact for a couple of seconds before looking away to answer to Gert.

“He could be cute,” Karolina tells Tandy. “If he’s interested.”

“That’s a big _if_ ,” Tandy murmurs under her breath, and Karolina knows to drop it. After a pause, Tandy stands. “I’m starving.”

Karolina watches Tandy make a beeline towards the snacks, and then watches Nico watch Tandy start a conversation with Tyrone. Nico then turns to her, and Karolina fixes her gaze on the carpet because she can feel when Nico begins making her way over.

“Hi,” she says once she’s next to her, and her voice is quiet amongst the chatter, but it doesn’t fail to make Karolina’s insides warmer. 

“Hey,” Karolina says back, looks up at her, scoots a little to the side to give her space to sit. She doesn’t. Instead, she wiggles her hands together, shifts a little on her feet – Nico is not nervous, Karolina knows it, but she still acts a little unsure, and it gives Karolina a sort of satisfaction.

“I haven’t been to Alex’s in ages,” Nico tells her. It’s a conversation-starter, and Karolina’s heart begins thumping faster asudden.

“I’m here like every other day,” Karolina says, smiling. Nico returns it. “Alex likes inviting people over.”

“Well that hasn’t changed, then,” Nico says, “he would invite me over all the time when we were kids.”

“And you came?”

“Sure,” Nico shrugs, smile widening. “I came over a lot, I think, when we were in like, sixth grade.”

“And what did you do?” Karolina asks, and she’s holding back laughter – Nico sees it, because she chuckles shortly. 

“Uhhh, I don’t know,” Nico draws out, interlocking her fingers in front of her. The dozen bracelets she has on clank against each other, and Karolina’s eye follows it. “Play hide and seek?”

“Oh God,” Karolina snorts, making Nico laugh out loud. Karolina looks up at her and her eyes are crinkling, and it feels like each time Karolina sees her, she is always a bit prettier than before. “In 6th grade you were playing hide and seek with Alex.”

“Okay the way you say it makes it sound _mortifying_ , but it wasn’t that bad.” She sits on the bed, then, and Karolina automatically angles her body towards her. “And anyway, weren’t you like, obsessed with Chase in sixth grade?”

“What?” Karolina squeals. “I was _not_. _He_ was obsessed with _me_.”

Nico narrows her eyes in response, and Karolina is giggling – she never expected Nico to be this easy-going, to be this genuinely _nice_ , because this is not at all what Karolina sees in her interactions with others. It’s a pleasant surprise, though.

“So are you saying you were obsessed with Alex, then?” Karolina teases.

“What about Alex?” Alex asks from the other end of the room, and Nico’s eye-roll is instant.

“Shut up, nerd.”

“What are you talking about me?”

“None of your business, annoying,” Nico asserts with finality, and Karolina is baffled; she doesn’t understand how Nico can be a sweetheart one second, and then the meanest person next. Nico looks back at her, "Trust me. I was not obsessed with _that_.”

Karolina sniggers. “You’re way too mean.”

Nico leans in a bit to whisper; “It’s the witch thing.”

“Oh my God, shut up with the witch thing already.”

“Just cause you don’t think I’m capable, doesn’t mean I—”

“Your face is literally a baby's,” Karolina interrupts, and Nico’s dramatic gasp makes her laugh out loud.

“Fuck you, Dean, _your_ face is a baby's,” Nico exclaims, but she is also laughing – Karolina can’t ignore the rush it brings to her chest for some reason. 

“I’m not the one trying to be some gruesome witch!”

“You know, just because I have some baby fat on my face you shouldn’t point it out and make me feel insecure all the time.”

“Oh, shut _up_ ,” Karolina repeats, chuckles. “I’m done talking about this.”

“Pff, fine,” Nico shrugs as if offended. “Don’t be surprised when I put a curse on you, though.”

“As if you’d ever do that.”

Nico quirks her brows. “What makes you think I wouldn’t?”

Karolina looks at her. Nico just stares back expectantly, and Karolina lets out a loud exhale, but also feels her pulse quicken, her stomach wobble because – Nico has an _unfairly_ appealing face. “You’ve got a way too soft heart for that.”

Nico grins. “You sound so sure of yourself.”

“Oh, I’m always sure of myself.”

  
“That’s a good quality to have, Karo,” Tandy’s voice suddenly cuts in. She is just sitting down on the other end of Alex’s bed, stuffing her face with some sort of cake.

“Aww, thank you, hon,” Karolina says in a fake-sweet voice, and Tandy quickly mimics it.

“What are best friends for?”

“I thought _I_ was your best friend, Karolina,” Chase says from Tyrone’s side. Karolina shares a look with Nico, rolls her eyes – Nico just smiles.

“Not anymore, Stein,” Tandy teases. 

“Hey, I did not consent to that!”

“You’re both wrong, actually,” Nico speaks up, “I’m Karolina’s new best friend now, sorry.”

“Okay,” Karolina giggles, cheeks a little flushed. “It’s very humbling to have you fighting over me, but I can choose my best—”

“Nope,” Chase interrupts just as Nico says; “Nah-ah, I’ve already decided for you.”

Karolina looks over at Nico, grin so big, it makes her face ache. “Who knew you’d be this clingy.”

Nico chuckles, and Karolina sees stars in her eyes.

“I’m full of surprises, I guess.”

And that is something Karolina has never doubted.


	2. Chapter 2

Their two groups hang out a few more times after that during the summer – thrice, to be exact. They hang out twice more at Alex’s house, and then they meet at a party where Tandy gets attached to Tyrone’s side while Chase gets attached to Gert’s, so it is only natural that Karolina gravitates towards Nico and Alex. However a friend from school, Julie appears, and Karolina allows herself to be dragged away and spend the majority of the night with Julie’s friends instead of them. And all three times they hang out, Karolina doesn’t really let herself get awfully close to Nico – she doesn’t exactly understand what it is that creates the invisible barrel between them, but she feels that it’s there, and she doesn’t attempt to cross it.

The following week after that party, junior year starts and Karolina almost immediately gets buried in homework, essays and assignments – it helps take her mind off of her parents’ fighting all the time and of the fact that oftentimes, it feels like everything around her is constantly falling apart, or just simply in the process of falling.

On the school year’s first Thursday, first French lesson, Nico hops down on the chair next to Karolina’s, and Karolina cannot, for the life of her, contain the smile taking over her features.

“Mind if I sit?” Nico asks even though she is already sat, but Karolina shakes her head no nevertheless.

“Hey there.”

“Hi,” Nico smiles, faintly but surely. “How’re you?”

“Just great,” Karolina quips. Nico puts her books and a pen on their desk, adjusts the black skirt she is wearing. Her long hair cascades down her back and her makeup is dark, maybe a bit more so than usual, but her eyes are open, gentle in a way. “Love to start my Thursdays off with Mrs Tuba’s lovely voice.”

It’s a joke, and Nico instantly chuckles a little. “For the next several months.”

“Right, for the next like, 10 months.”

“Yep,” Nico sighs. She puts her elbows on the table and gazes at Karolina. Her eyes suddenly narrow, and her brows come together – Karolina’s heartbeat begins to pick up pace, and she feels the urge to look away, but Nico’s eyes and lips and face are _so_ pretty, it feels almost impossible. Nico then asks, with a weirdly concerned expression; “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Karolina says quickly. “Why?”

“I don’t know, you just seem… I don’t know.”

Karolina quirks her brows, lets out an unsteady laugh. “What?”

Nico hesitates for a moment, then just says, “A little worn out, I guess.”

Karolina’s breath catches a bit in her throat, then, because Nico basically just read her like an open book – it’s a scary but elevating thought, but mostly just weird.

Karolina contemplates what to say for a beat, then settles for; “Yeah, I guess you could say I am. My parents are fighting, kinda.” She surprises even herself with the honesty, but she finds that she doesn’t regret it. Deep down, she does want to get closer to Nico – but something inside of her is trying to hold her back.

“Yuck,” Nico grimaces, all sympathetic. “I know how shitty that can be. Sorry.”

“Yeah,” Karolina shrugs, smiles a sad smile. “It can mess up my like, whole day sometimes.”

“I know. My parents divorced this year, thank God, so I don’t really have to deal with it anymore, but even just last year it was making me miserable,” Nico explains.

“I don’t really want mine to divorce, though,” Karolina admits, to which Nico lets out a small groan.

“Then you’re still at the beginning stage,” she tells her with an empathetic expression, and it makes Karolina chuckle. “That’s the worst.”

“I mean, it started in the beginning of this summer, so it’s been a while…”

“Oh that is not long,” Nico interjects with a shake of her head. “My dad’s been cheating for like, three years and they only just divorced.”

“My God, I’m sorry for you,” Karolina frowns, making Nico nod along. “That’s so fucked up.”

“I hope it doesn’t drag out like this for you, because ugh,” Nico widens her eyes for emphasis, “that shit is _not_ fun.”

“Right,” Karolina chuckles solemnly. They fall silent for a moment, and Karolina fishes for things to say because she likes the sound of Nico’s voice, and she feels herself get desperate to hear more of it while she can, while Nico is near – but Mrs Tuba walks in to start the lesson, and she doesn’t get another chance; only the short see you's when they part ways afterwards.

//

The next week, Nico sits with Karolina and her friends during lunch, which makes Gert and Tyrone drift to them too. Karolina explicitly notices Nico choose a chair that is close to hers and it makes her stomach drop, it makes her head fuzzy with something – but she doesn’t let herself think about it, not now, maybe not ever. Nico is all cool and collected and sarcastic and funny with everyone like always, and Karolina finds herself sitting there quietly and wondering how the hell to get over this _thing_. 

On Thursday, when Karolina walks into the French classroom Nico is already sitting at her desk, and Karolina flops down next to her with an easy ‘hey’ even though everything inside of her feels raging. They make small talk, joke about Chase and Gert, Nico shows Karolina some funny videos on her phone – it’s easy, it’s nothing intense and Karolina is happy, _ecstatic_ , but also panicking in ways she’s never really experienced in her life, and it isn’t _normal_. Nothing about this is normal.

The following week goes basically the same; Nico makes an effort to get closer to her and Karolina recognizes it – she understands what it’s like when somebody is trying to be your friend, when somebody is trying to make a connection with you – and it feels _so good_ , it feels unreal, almost, because she never thought she’d ever have this with Nico – but she can’t ignore the way her heart begins to pound whenever she is around, she can’t _not_ notice the instant heat to her cheeks when Nico so much as smiles at her. It all makes her feel like a fiery volcano that’s just on the brink of erupting at any minute.

It’s immensely exciting.

Then, maybe sooner than she would've liked to think, it happens.

A few of their classmates organize a little get-together one afternoon at a nearby park. Karolina doesn’t expect other classes to show up, but they do – it is several hours later that she notices Nico on the other side of their little crowd. There’s music pumping out of some kid’s car but it quiets down around Karolina the moment she sets her eyes on her. Nico’s hair is let down, she’s wearing a strange-looking black skirt, and she’s got a bright smile on her face caused by Alex Wilder. Karolina soon looks away before Nico could catch her staring _again_ , and tries to tune back into the conversation she’s been having with Tandy and Tyrone. 

She knows Tandy notices her tuning out by the questioning look she gives her. Karolina just subtly shakes her head. Tyrone unknowingly goes on with his little story, and Karolina hums along for a few minutes, but her mind can’t help but wonder about Nico – it’s like there’s a spark in her brain, now that she knows she is near, it’s like a magnet pulling her towards the girl’s presence, aching to be closer – so she allows her gaze to flit over once more, just for a second, she tells herself.

A second turns into several, because she never expected to look over and see Nico and Alex kissing. She has to blink a few times to make sure she isn’t imagining it, but sure enough, Alex’s hands are firmly planted on Nico’s hips and Nico’s hands are cradling Alex’s face. They aren’t kissing, they’re full-on making out – and Karolina doesn’t realize how long she’s been staring until there are hands gripping at her shoulders.

“Karolina, what’s going on?” Tandy is asking, loud and clear, her face close. Karolina blinks once, twice, and Tandy’s concerned eyes turn disturbed. “Hey, look at me. What is it?”

“Fuck,” Karolina sighs out, reaches up to scratch at her brow. She feels her face flushing, from embarrassment or anger, she doesn’t know. “Sorry, I…” Karolina feels that _something_ erupt inside her chest, and it’s burning, suffocating heat – the sheer force of it knocks her off guard, makes her stumble backwards into nothing.

Tandy’s hold on her is what catches her. “What’s going on?” 

Karolina looks at her. Her eyes are flitting all over Karolina’s face, worry so evident in them that it makes her heart ache a little more. 

“Nothing,” she finally breathes out. It feels like she can’t raise her voice properly, like the words are trying to get lost on her tongue. “Shit, nothing. I’m fine.”

“You’re clearly not,” Tandy states, no hesitation. “What just happened?”

“Nothing,” Karolina repeats. “Where’s Tyrone?”

“Dude,” Tandy gives a disbelieving, humorless laugh. “He left minutes ago. Where’d you go just then?”

“I—I think I might be sick…”

“You were fine a minute ago.”

“I know, I’m just…” she wants to finish that sentence, she so desperately does, but tears fill her eyes and her voice cracks on a sob. Tandy is already wrapping arms around her before she could process what’s happening. She doesn’t really notice it, but Tandy begins leading her backwards, and by the time Karolina comes to it, they are a good 30 feet from the others. She doesn’t cry for long, instead focuses on sucking in deep breaths to calm herself.

“What the fuck’s going on?” Tandy asks softly, arms still securely around her waist.

“Fuck,” Karolina murmurs into her neck, pulls back. Once she realizes she is going to have to come out to somebody for the first time in her life right now, her stomach drops. Looking around themselves, she leads Tandy to the nearest bench, and every single bone in her body feels like it is shaking. Tandy sits facing towards her, and Karolina continues inhaling deep breaths to calm down.

Tandy stays quiet, waiting. Karolina opens her mouth a few times, but no sound comes out. Tandy then puts an arm back around her shoulders, and Karolina’s eyes fill with a fresh wave of hot tears.

“Oh God…” she murmurs shakily to no one in particular, hides her wet face in her palms and swallows a sob. Tandy’s other hand comes to rub at her upper arm. Tandy remains silent, waiting, patient. It is several long moments later that Karolina looks back at her. “Okay. I…”

She trails off. Tandy hums in acknowledgement, and Karolina could cry just because of how wonderful she is. She clenches her hands into fists and wills the feeling of her nails in her palms to calm her down. She locks her eyes on Tandy’s one more time, sucks in a big breath, then just blurts out; “Nico and Alex kissed.”

Tandy’s face crunches into a grimace. “What the fuck? For real?”

Karolina snorts on a teary laugh. “Yeah.”

It only takes a millisecond, then, for Tandy to grow dead-serious and look at Karolina with a look so scary, it makes the knot in Karolina’s stomach tighten. Karolina stares back, waits for her to connect the dots, heart pounding deafeningly in her ears.

Tandy bites her lip. “So…” she draws out. Karolina holds her breath. “You like Nico, I suppose.” It isn’t a question, but a sure statement. Karolina only nods. She hasn’t really admitted that even to her own self, but it feels right coming out of Tandy’s mouth. She _does_ like Nico. She _has_ liked her for almost as long as she can remember.

Tandy’s brows jump a bit, before letting out a short chuckle. “You know you didn’t need to be so nervous to tell me that.”

Karolina laughs, mostly from relief, eyes still glistening from tears. 

“I know, I just… I don’t know. I never talked with anyone about…” she doesn’t finish, still isn’t sure how to. Tandy only smiles.

“You could’ve told me sooner.”

Karolina sighs, the hurt from earlier hitting her with force. “Didn’t really have a reason to. And I wasn’t really sure, either.”

Tandy seemingly notices the change, because her hand is back to rubbing her arm. It’s a few moments later that Tandy replies. “I didn’t know she liked Alex.”

Karolina puffs a little. “Girl, me neither.”

“Sorry…”

“It’s not your fault,” Karolina chuckles, but it’s sad. She _is_ unbearably sad. “I think I’m gonna head home.”

“Me too,” Tandy sighs. “D’you wanna come over, do something?”

“No,” Karolina sends her a grateful smile. “Thanks, but I’d rather be alone right now. In my room, crying to depressing love songs or something.”

“Oh God,” Tandy cringes. “You're sure?”

They begin making their way out of the park, and Karolina’s thankful nobody calls after them.

“Yeah,” Karolina nods. “Sorry, just… not feeling up to anything right now. Plus, I need to be home in like an hour anyway.”

“Me too." They stop by the sidewalk, having to go in opposite directions. When Karolina turns to face Tandy, Tandy’s arms are already opened for a hug. Karolina doesn’t hesitate to throw herself in them. “I’m glad you told me.”

“I’m glad I told you too,” Karolina murmurs, and she means it with all of her heart.

//

Once home, she mostly just cries herself to sleep with Nico’s stuffed bear crushed against her chest, and it doesn’t feel right, _it doesn’t feel right at all_ , but it’s not like anything ever has with Nico.

//

From then on, things change. 

Nico quits finding a seat close to Karolina during lunch, instead gravitating towards Alex now. She ceases to look for Karolina’s attention, like she did before, and stops making an effort to spark up conversation between them. Karolina knows it is nothing personal; Nico still says hi to her with that same achingly sweet smile, but then Alex shows up and all of Nico’s attention is stolen by him.

Karolina hates it.

She soon realizes that they aren’t together, though. They’re still just friends: they still bicker and tease the other, and Nico keeps making fun of him just like she did before – there’s no touches or even flirting between them – and that gives Karolina hope. Hope for what, she isn’t sure.

That week, Karolina decides to skip French; just the thought of having to listen to Nico gush about Alex makes her sick to her stomach, and she just feels so awfully _sad_ ever since she saw them – she doesn’t think she’d be able to handle any more than this. 

She doesn’t expect Nico to stop her on the hallway afterwards, but she does – Karolina hears her call after her among the chatter, and her steps automatically halt. She turns to meet her, and Nico is smiling as she closes the few feet distance between them.

“Hey,” she says, and Karolina has never had a harder time looking into her eyes. 

“Hey.” She comes close enough for her perfume to invade Karolina’s senses, and Karolina’s head spins with it – she realizes with a dull ache in her chest that she misses her, even though it's only been days.

“I thought you weren’t in school today.”

“Oh, no,” Karolina says, attempts a polite smile. “Just wasn’t feeling up to French.”

Nico’s face falls slightly, but she nods in understanding. “Well, next time you wanna skip, let me know. This class can be such a pain,” she finishes with a roll of her eyes, and Karolina forces out a chuckle because she knows it’s what Nico expects – she seemingly can’t make it genuine enough, because Nico’s brows pull into a deep frown.

“Yeah, okay,” Karolina says nonetheless, a desperate need to escape overtaking her. “Sorry, I gotta run…” she begins backing away, and Nico stands there with a confused head tilt. Before she could open her mouth to reply, Karolina turns and walks off with a “see you.”

During lunch, Nico sits next to Alex, opposite from Karolina, and Karolina can’t say she is surprised, but she also can’t deny that it hurts – with a perfectly empty seat beside Karolina, a week ago Nico surely would’ve chosen to sit there. Now, it’s like it isn’t even a possibility. As the cafeteria begins to fill up with noise and chatter, Karolina indulges herself in her food and her phone. The conversation around their table flows mostly between Alex and Nico, and between Chase and Gert – Tandy arrives a bit later with Tyrone in her toe, and Karolina’s lips stretch into a smile as her friend throws her arms around her shoulders.

“Hey there,” Karolina greets her, and Tandy quickly occupies the empty seat.

“You okay?” She asks in a murmur, only for her to hear, but Karolina thinks she doesn’t succeed, judging by the way Nico’s dark eyes immediately flick to them.

“Yeah, I’m okay,” Karolina nods with a small smile. Tandy inspects her for another moment, before starting her food. Karolina continues scrolling through Instagram, and in order to tune out Alex and Nico’s shared laughter she makes an effort to completely get lost in her phone. That is why it’s only several minutes later that from the corner of her eye, she starts to notice Nico throwing constant glances at her – her first instinct is to return her gaze, but she catches herself at last. Deep down, she knows Nico didn’t do anything wrong, at all – and yet Karolina can’t help but be upset with her. It isn’t anybody’s fault _(well, maybe Alex’s)_ and Karolina knows this, but she’s also _hurt_. So hurt that she can’t even bring herself to meet Nico’s eyes.

//

The week goes by awfully slowly, and it is like a breath of fresh air when the weekend finally rolls around. Chase has been talking about a beach party on Saturday for days now, and Karolina knows it is exactly what she needs – to let loose, get drunk, and dance a night away with her closest friends. 

That’s how they find themselves driving down the highway in Chase’s dad’s car towards the shore around 8 in the evening, and by the time they arrive, there is crowd, loud music, dancing, and way too much alcohol for a bunch of 16-year-olds. 

Karolina doesn’t hesitate to indulge herself in the scene. She’s soon downing a couple of shots and beginning to jump around with her friends, the atmosphere of the beach seeping under her skin and between her bones. The feel of the wind catching onto her hair inserts her in a sense of euphoric freeness, makes her feel wild and untamed in ways she can’t remember ever feeling before. For a moment, she forgets about every worrying thing that’s been pushing on her shoulders – about her parents, about school, about the fact that she’s had a crush for god knows how many years now, on a girl who gives exactly _zero_ fucks about her – and she just dances, with her hands in the air and a grin on her face, careless for the first time in what feels like ages.

It's hours later that she even notices Nico being there.

She is a few meters away, sitting on some rocks with a red cup in her hand and talking to somebodies Karolina can’t recognize. She’s got a big smile on her face and her pretty, pretty dark hair falls neatly down her shoulders, and Karolina’s heart begins thumping louder, stronger against the cages of her ribs – she suddenly yearns for another shot of alcohol.

“I need a drink,” she tells Tandy, who only grips her hand and begins leading in response. For a moment Karolina allows herself to be pulled, but when she realizes that Tandy is walking towards Nico’s direction, she reflexively halts.

Tandy looks over her shoulder. “What is it?”

“I—Where are we going?” Karolina stammers out.

“Alex’s got the booze.”

Karolina follows Tandy’s line of sight, and sure enough, there is Alex standing right next to Nico, seemingly being Nico’s main source of big smiles and happy laughs, which Karolina failed to notice before.

“Right,” she murmurs, and Tandy sends her a pitying smile.

"We'll be quick."

She nods unsurely, but lets herself be led over despite the knot forming in her stomach. Her steps feel heavy as they near, and her hands shake – once Tandy lets go to pinch Alex’s sides in an attempt to scare him, she balls them up into fists, and listens to Nico’s laugh get louder.

Sucking in a breath, she steps out of Tandy’s shadow.

Nico’s eyes find hers as if they are magnetic.

Her smile immediately drops. It pangs a little, but Karolina also isn’t surprised – she _has_ been avoiding Nico for the past 7 days, without any sort of explanation or obvious reason. Despite the sour expression that’s taken over her features, Nico still sends her a curt nod with a quiet “hi.”

“Hi,” Karolina quickly returns it, but she averts her gaze just as fast – she can’t tell for sure, but she thinks she sees Nico’s eyes roll in annoyance. Although her attention is swiftly drawn back to Alex, chuckling at a joke Karolina didn’t hear.

Tandy then pushes the flask to her hand, and she doesn’t hesitate to take a lengthy sip. As she lowers the bottle back down Nico catches her gaze with something so intense in her eyes, Karolina’s heart throbs from it. She hands the bottle to Alex’s awaiting hand, and he instantly offers it to Nico – Nico’s smile for him is so achingly sweet, the sight of it has Karolina’s hands curling into fists, it has her wanting to break something.

She wordlessly grabs Tandy’s wrist to lead her back to dance. 

//

It is several hours later that Karolina sees her again; the sun is almost beginning to rise over the horizon, but it is still semi-dark at the shore – the music is pumping loud enough to drown out Karolina’s thoughts as she dances, and even though she hasn’t had another drink since Alex’s flask, she’s managed to forget about the ache in her heart for the rest of the night.

Nico is dancing with some friends, and Alex is strangely nowhere in sight. Karolina takes the opportunity to look at Nico properly for the first time this week; she rakes her gaze over her black outfit, her long, dark hair, her blood-red lips and pale complexion. She dances with that easy, carefree sway she has, and Karolina doesn’t realize she is looking into Nico’s eyes until it is too late.

She’s been caught staring.

She breaks the eye-contact as quickly as it formed, and tells Tandy and Julie that she is going to find somewhere to pee. With that, she does a 180 and jogs off, desperate to escape Nico’s prying gaze.

However, it isn’t for long.

She takes off towards the trees, and soon finds a semi-vacant, bushy area. She walks further in until nobody can see her, but before she could attempt to pee, she more feels than hears someone coming up behind her.

Turning around, Nico is closing the distance between them, for the second time this week.

“Uh,” Nico mumbles as her heavy boots come to a stop a few feet in front of Karolina. Karolina’s pulse is asudden erratic. After a beat of silence, Nico finally says; “Hey.”

Karolina wiggles her hands together. Looking anywhere but at Nico, she manages to utter; “Hey.”

Another beat of silence. There’s music in the background, yet Karolina feels its awkwardness in every single muscle of her body – her cheeks flush from it, her fingers begin to tremble as they play with each other. 

“Are you drunk?” Nico asks, a little disbelievingly. Karolina is caught off guard by the question, and she finally meets Nico’s gaze.

“Why?”

“I don’t know, you seem… out of it, or something.”

“Wow, thanks,” Karolina can’t help but murmur, and Nico’s face immediately comes into a grimace. Karolina’s stomach clenches into a knot.

“I didn’t mean—”

“I know what you meant,” Karolina quickly waves her off, forces a smile to her face. It’s effective – Nico instantly returns it, eyes suddenly sparking up with joy, or maybe with relief. Karolina looks at her and God, she is _so_ pretty – Nico is so, so unbelievably pretty, it makes the breath catch in Karolina’s lungs. Before she knows what she is doing, her lips are moving to say; “I am drunk a bit, yeah,” she fake chuckles. “I came here to pee but now I don’t know if it’s such a good idea.”

Nico’s laugh is genuine. “Oh, God. Do you want me to, like, help you with that? Somehow?”

“Oh my God, how?” Karolina scrunches her nose.

“I don’t know,” Nico shrugs with another short laugh. “Help you aim?”

That does actually make Karolina chuckle, and as she does so, she involuntarily saunters a bit closer to lessen the distance between them – however, Nico gets startled by it, thinking she is going to trip or something, because she hurriedly grabs onto Karolina’s arm with one hand, and to her waist with the other.

And that _does_ indeed make Karolina slightly lose her balance.

“You okay, there?” Nico snorts, but her voice is much quieter than before – to Karolina, it suddenly feels like the air is charged around them, like Nico’s touch is searing into her skin through her clothes.

“Yeah, I’m…” Karolina trails off, not because she can’t finish the sentence, but because she doesn’t want to. She blinks lazily a few times, intentionally appearing a bit drunker than she actually is. She can’t help it, but it feels addicting; Nico’s abruptly concerned eyes, Nico’s firm hold on her, Nico’s perfume suddenly enveloping her.

“You’re not gonna be sick, are you?” Nico asks with an entertained little smile on her face. 

“Mm, no,” she draws out. Her eyes drop to Nico’s lips for a moment, but then quickly return to her eyes. “I don’t think.” Inhaling a deep breath, she finds some sort of fake-drunken courage within herself, and places her elbows on Nico’s shoulders – since Nico is shorter, it brings their faces impossibly close to each other. Nico’s eyes turn a bit more serious, then, and she inches nearer with her whole body to get a better hold on Karolina’s waist. It is obvious that she does it to help Karolina keep her balance – yet Karolina can’t help but yearn for something different, for something more.

But with Nico, she’s always been yearning for something more.

Nico’s warmth seeps under Karolina’s clothes, and for a moment, Karolina just basks in the feeling. She has never been this close to Nico; not once has she been able to see her eyes this up close, or had her scent invade every one of her senses like this. Nico’s breath is warm as it hits her chin, and Karolina can barely hear her words from the loud pounding of her heart.

“Are you sure you’re okay, Karolina?” Nico is saying, and her eyes are big, colossal on Karolina’s face; they’re flickering from one eye to the other, and it takes all of Karolina’s willpower to keep her gaze, to not stare at her mouth. 

“I’m sorry, I’m just—”

“No, it’s okay,” Nico quickly assures, voice unexpectedly soft. For a second, Karolina feels guilty: Nico is apparently truly concerned for her, and Karolina is actually a lot more drunk on Nico than on any other substance she’s had tonight.

Then, her eyes finally drop down to Nico’s lips. It takes only a moment of stillness for Nico to notice; Karolina feels it when she does, because one of her hands on Karolina’s waist jerks a little. In her head, Karolina repeats _‘stop’_ to herself over and over again, and she succeeds after a few long seconds: she tears her gaze away to look back up to Nico’s eyes, but only to find them staring at Karolina’s own lips.

Karolina freezes.

She waits, but when Nico ceases to look back up, Karolina’s body reacts on its own accord. She begins leaning in, only an inch or two because inside, she is shaking with fear of Nico’s rejection. She _has_ been scared of it for so long, it doesn’t even feel like a possibility that it wouldn’t come – it doesn’t, though. Nico just stares back – surprised at first, and then blankly. She once more looks back into Karolina’s eyes, and then only at her mouth as Karolina proceeds to close the gap between them.

It’s a short, but firm kiss. It’s over before Karolina’s mind or body could process it, and when she pulls back, she’s left as a quivering, blushing mess – before she could fully open her eyes, however, Nico’s lips are pressing down on her own again.

Karolina reciprocates without a thought in her mind. Nico’s lips are softer than Karolina ever imagined they would be, and they move against each other as if they’ve done this a thousand times. Nico tilts her head a bit to allow more access and Karolina mimics her, one of her hands coming up to cup her cheek in an attempt to keep her in place. It is a slow kiss, and much gentler than the first, but it doesn’t last long either.

Nico pulls back very abruptly.

She doesn’t go far, but Karolina instantly removes her hands as if they’ve been burnt. Nico takes a tiny step backwards, but doesn’t move her hands from Karolina’s waist – Karolina is grateful for that, because her knees feel like they want to buckle underneath her.

Their gazes meet. It’s dark, but she can see that Nico’s eyes are wide with wonder, and Karolina assumes hers are wide with pure, indescribable fear and embarrassment.

“Wow,” Nico breathes out into the narrow space between them.

Karolina swallows.

She then holds her breath and waits, waits for another word from Nico, but it doesn’t come. Nico just stares at her, also waiting for something Karolina can’t decipher at the moment. The panic rises in Karolina with each passing second, and after a confused brow rise from Nico, Karolina steps back completely and shatters their little bubble.

Nico’s hands drop helplessly to her sides.

“Fuck, sorry,” Karolina finds herself saying before she could think. With a painfully uncomfortable chuckle, she brings her hands up to rub at her temples. “Sorry, dude, I don’t even—”

A loud and clear “Karolina!” cuts through the air, and Karolina’s head snaps towards it. Nico doesn’t flinch – she’s staring at her with utmost confusion written across her face. 

It is Julie, Karolina realizes after a second. Even though there’s music and yelling and chatter, the silence between the two of them is perplexing, and Karolina’s heart still hasn’t started to calm itself. Her entire face is burning from shame, her chest feels so tight that she can barely take in breaths, and as she squeezes her hands into fists, the only thing she wants is to disappear.

So she does. 

With a final “sorry” she turns and walks towards Julie’s voice, and Nico lets her leave without a word.

//

On Monday, Karolina attempts skipping school.

She tries to convince her mother that she is sick, even fake coughs a few times, but Leslie sees right through her daughter’s plan; truth be told, Karolina has always been a good student, but going to school and spending 8 hours of her day there has never been her favorite pastime, and Leslie knows that perfectly. She even laughs at Karolina’s pathetic attempts to appear ill, and Karolina ends up huffing and puffing in the end and leaving her house with a grumpy “If the school nurse calls, don’t be surprised.”

Leslie just yells back; “Have a good day, honey!”

Arriving to school, Tandy immediately notices that something is up. She doesn’t waste time in asking Karolina about it, and she even outright asks if something happened at the party. At first, Karolina tries to dodge the questioning, but she soon realizes that she is actually aching to finally talk about it with someone. 

So, she tells her. Tandy’s excitement is almost comical at first, but then it deadens once Karolina gets to the end of the story. She recognizes Karolina’s uncertainty, desperation, sadness. Karolina tells her about how Nico just stood there wordlessly, how awkward it all was, and Tandy realizes that this isn’t particularly good news, regardless of the fact that Nico did, in fact, kiss back.

The first few classes go by, and Karolina is infinitely grateful to the universe that they don’t have French on Mondays. Her class does share P.E with Nico’s class, however, but she manages to completely avoid even looking in Nico’s direction throughout the whole lesson. As lunch starts nearing, Karolina’s panic steadily rises, and by the time it arrives, she walks in the cafeteria with trembling hands and a reddened face. 

She sits with Tandy, Chase and Tyrone at an empty table, and they are yet to even begin their food when Gert, Alex and Nico appear with their own trays. Karolina’s heart is immediately wanting to break out of her chest, and she reflexively reaches to unlock her phone to occupy herself with it. All three sit opposite from them, with Gert in the middle and Alex and Nico on her sides. It’s already odd – last week, those two were practically inseparable. As soon as everybody sits down, the tension hits the group with full force; it doesn’t even take a full minute for basically everybody to realize that Alex and Nico are fighting, or at least on bad terms.

Tandy begins talking to Karolina, probably to divert her attention from the awkwardness of the situation, but the air is mostly filled with Chase, Gert and Tyrone’s conversation. Karolina allows her gaze to wander a bit, and she instantly notices Alex throwing glances at Nico, and Nico not meeting his eyes. Nico looks up, then, and Karolina is swift to avert her gaze, but Nico doesn’t look away – she stares, for what feels like several minutes, and she does it so intensely that Karolina couldn’t ignore it even if she tried. Nico does look back down to her food after a while, and even though Karolina doesn’t dare look her way a second time, she feels the heat of Nico’s eyes on her for the remaining of lunch.

//

On Tuesdays, Karolina has Biology with Nico.

Karolina is amongst the first few people in the classroom, so she is already sitting down when Nico walks in – when she does, their gazes meet for the briefest of a second, but Karolina’s heart is already pumping blood into her ears. When Nico walks past her to take her usual seat, she gets a whiff of her perfume and Karolina literally has to grab onto the edge of her desk to ground herself – memories of Saturday night come rushing into her mind like a tsunami, making her head spin in ways she’s never known before.

She hates herself for being this ridiculous.

Maybe it's just her imagination (or probably more like wishful thinking), but during the entirety of the lesson it feels like Nico’s eyes are burning into the back of her head, and she can’t shake the feeling even after she’s packed her stuff and ready to go to lunch. Before she could turn towards the door, however, Nico’s voice stops her in her tracks.

“Karolina.” It’s quiet, yet to Karolina, it stands out even in the loud chatter of her classmates. Her hands are already shaking as she turns to face her.

“Hey,” Karolina murmurs when Nico doesn’t say more. She keeps her gaze on Nico’s boots for a moment longer, before finally looking up to lock eyes. Nico’s eyes are darker than usual somehow, and seem a bit more tired. They still make every cell in Karolina’s body feel like they are on fire.

“Can we talk?” Nico asks, and she is awfully serious. Karolina’s heart gallops at the question, but she soon nods. 

“Sure.”

Nico turns her head to see if everyone has left the classroom – Karolina realizes she wants to talk in here, in private. She inhales a deep breath, and watches as the last few kids exit.

Nico then turns back to her.

“So,” Nico begins, and Karolina is hit with the realization that she is nervous. It’s the first time she’s ever seen Nico nervous, and it causes her own panic to escalate. “I just wanted to ask… well, I mean I wanted to talk about the other day,” she gets out, with obvious difficulty. Karolina gulps heavily, eyes wide and alert on Nico’s face. Nico just stares back, wiggles her hands together, adjusts the bracelets she has on her wrists. Karolina is so transfixed by the motion that she almost forgets to answer.

“Yeah?” is all she comes up with.

"About... Saturday."

"What about it?" Karolina mumbles, stomach churning. Nico stares at her, mouth slightly falling open. Her brows knit together, and it scares Karolina, so she continues; “I—I remember what happened, that’s not what I meant.”

“Oh, okay,” Nico lets out an unfit, relieved smile. It disappears from her face as fast as it came. “I just wanted to… well, I don’t know. I feel like you’ve been, like, avoiding me for like… over a week now? And then that happened and it’s only gotten worse, I think. So, I just wanted to ask if we were cool, I guess. Or what that was, y’know?” She trails off uncertainly, and it gives Karolina a bit of relief that it seems like getting those words out has been just as difficult and uncomfortable for Nico as it is for Karolina to hear them.

She stays quiet for a long, long while. It’s several seconds later that she finally stammers out; “Listen, I’m really sorry about all that. I was like… really drunk. I don’t know what I was thinking, I mean I wasn’t really thinking at all, I guess.” She watches Nico’s eyes narrow a bit, she watches her pull her lower lip between her teeth. “I don't really drink a lot, and I guess that’s why it just… kicked me in the head, I guess.”

A heavy beat of silence follows.

“Ah,” Nico breathes out. “Okay.”

Karolina arches her brows, tries to hide her trembling hands from Nico’s curious gaze. “Okay?”

“Okay,” Nico repeats, adjusts her bag on her shoulder with finality. “Whatever you say.” And in that sentence, Karolina thinks she hears hurt; she can’t be sure, because Nico quickly hides her face by turning towards the door and heading out. 

“Fuck,” is all Karolina mutters once she’s completely alone, and she doesn’t understand why her chest feels so heavy.

//

On Thursday, they have French, and they also sit together.

Karolina walks into the classroom on wobbly legs, and when she sees that Nico is already sitting at their usual desk, she calms a little. Walking over, she sits down next to her with fake confidence, and greets her with a smile and a “Hey.”

Nico seems surprised for a moment, but she hides it well.

“Hi,” she returns, not quite smiling but friendly enough. Karolina sucks in a deep breath in order to calm her heartbeat, even though Nico’s scent only has the opposite effect.

Yesterday, they only saw each other during lunch, but Karolina avoided all kinds of interactions with Nico. Nico wasn’t really trying to start anything with Karolina either. She chatted with Gert and Tyrone during lunch, not speaking a word neither to Alex nor to Karolina, and Karolina was hit with a strong sense of guilt. Today, she came to school determined to somewhat fix this between them, even though she is so anxious it feels like she could pass out any minute.

“How’re you?” She forces out awkwardly, not sure how else to start.

Nico is, again, a bit taken aback, but she recovers quickly. “Uhh, I’ve been better,” she shrugs. “You?”

“Me too,” Karolina admits. “I know school’s just started, but I’m already sick of it.”

Nico lets out a chuckle, and Karolina’s smile morphs into a grin at the sound of it. She has always loved Nico’s laugh. “Dude, I know. It’s like we’ve been here for months and it’s only October.”

“Right,” Karolina nods. Looking into Nico’s eyes, she begins calming down a little – maybe she can fix this. Maybe they can forget all about Saturday and Alex and all of the awkwardness and go back to being almost-friends, like they were before. 

_(Karolina tells herself, over and over again, that that is what she wants.)_

“I hope somebody comes up with plans for the weekend,” Nico says, “because I am bored out of my mind.”

Karolina thinks that through – she isn’t sure another party or whatever in Nico’s company is what she needs right now, but she lets that go now.

“Yeah, me too,” she says instead. “I’m sure the guys will figure something out.”

Nico only hums in response to that, because Mrs Tuba walks in to start the lesson. Karolina’s always had trouble keeping her attention on their teacher during French because sitting next to Nico, smelling her perfume and staring at her flawless side profile is a thousand times more entertaining. 

She can only hope Nico hasn’t noticed.

//

After their talk during French, they’re back to acting decent with each other. It isn’t like it was before; Nico doesn’t seek out interactions with her anymore and she doesn’t choose seats next to her, but her smile is back to being friendly and she quits hesitating to start a conversation. It makes Karolina feel normal, like everything is back in its place, and that is why she doesn’t understand why her chest feels so god damned heavy each time Nico walks into the room.

_(Well, she kind of does understand. But she doesn’t think about it, not any more, maybe not ever again.)_

She also can’t stop thinking about the way Nico was trying to be her friend just a few weeks ago, about the way she would instantly talk to her whenever their groups met, the way she would laugh and smile and actively try to make a connection with Karolina. Karolina misses it, but she’s also grateful that they are at least back to speaking to each other.

In the end, nobody makes any plans, so that is how Karolina gets stuck at home listening to her parents argue for the majority of the weekend. She ends up texting Chase and Tandy to do something on Sunday, and thankfully, they agree to hang out at Chase’s house. When Karolina gets home in the evening, her father is gone with most of his clothes.

//

Karolina gets through the following week like an empty, hollow ghost. Tandy, Chase and Alex keep asking her what's wrong, until she does eventually blurt it out during lunch, and the topic is still up when Nico, Gert and Tyrone sit down in front of them. Gert and Nico are bickering about something as they place their trays down, but they instantly quiet when they notice something is up. Tandy’s got a comforting hand on her arm, Chase is drawing circles on her back while Alex asks if she thinks they are going to divorce.

“I think so, yeah,” Karolina sighs out, eyes burning. “It’s been going on for too long.”

“Did your mom say anything?” Tandy asks, voice quiet but loud enough for everyone at their table to hear. Karolina doesn’t mind – it isn’t something she feels ashamed of, and Nico knows about this, too. That is, if she remembers.

“No,” Karolina replies, chancing a glance towards Nico. She’s surprised to find Nico’s full attention on her, brows furrowed, eyes swimming in a pool of genuine worry. It makes Karolina’s stomach flutter. “I asked but she didn’t say anything. Which is another thing; does she think I’m 5 years old, or what? That I can’t handle it?”

“Or maybe she’s the one who did wrong, no?” Chase shyly butts in.

“No,” Karolina is quick to assure. “I don’t think so. I mean, there’s no way she like, cheated or anything. It has to be dad.”

Karolina sees Nico grimace from the corner of her eye, and she snaps her head to look at her. Nico huffs a bit before saying; “I never thought my dad would cheat, either, and yet… he was doing it for three years without us noticing anything.” She finishes with a small shrug, and Karolina nods – she knows she could be right, but it isn’t a thought she wants to entertain right now.

“Whatever,” she says with finality. “I don’t want to assume anything yet. It’s not like they can keep it a secret from me for much longer, anyway.”

With that, the topic changes, but she doesn’t miss the careful glances her friends keep throwing her way – however, the only ones that do make her feel a bit better are Nico’s.


	3. Chapter 3

With her parents separated, Karolina's entire life changes, and it isn't something she'd been prepared for to happen; with her father not being around, the house becomes way too big, quiet and depressing, and for the first week, it feels like the world itself has taken a pause.

Her suffering is saved by the weekend – they all get a Facebook invitation to a birthday party from one of their classmates, and Karolina has never felt more excited to go out, to finally leave the sad atmosphere of her home.

Chase's mother drives them to the location. The birthday kid has rented a bar for the night; it’s large, has a balcony, and as they arrive at around nine, there’s already music roaring inside and groups of kids standing in front of it, smoking, talking. Karolina’s heartbeat quickens at the scene, and her immediate thought is whether Nico will be here – she quickly shoos it away and follows her friends inside.

They find drinks straight away, thanks to Chase’s acquaintances. Gert shows up at Chase’s side soon enough, and Karolina’s first instinct is to look around in search of Nico – she can’t make her out, but it is dark inside, and there’s a ton of people.

Either way, Karolina decides to get drunk.

It’s a sudden decision, but it is also something she’s had in the back of her mind ever since she’s heard of the party. She needs this right now; she needs to finally let loose, she needs to feel a little out of control tonight and forget about every fucked up thing that’s going on in her life.

Tandy is a good partner for that for the first hour or so; however, she gets distracted by Ty, and after a while Karolina is left alone with her glass of gin and her thoughts.

She downs it with a scowl – after all, she didn’t come here to brood. 

Julie and a few guy classmates find her, and she stays at the bar with them for another hour or so. She takes a shot with almost everybody she meets, and it isn’t like she has drunk that much, but by the time one of the guys drags her off to dance, she is more than a little bit tipsy. 

She isn’t tipsy enough, however, to not notice Nico right away when they enter the crowd.

She is dancing with Gert and Chase, and when Karolina first spots her she’s got her head thrown back in laughter. She is in full black; skinny jeans and a tight shirt that shows a bit more skin than usual, with a leather jacket and combat boots and a dozen weird necklaces, and Karolina finds herself gasping for a breath as if there wasn’t enough oxygen in the room.

She looks at her only for a moment, though – the guy who dragged her to dance is already saying something in her ear, and Karolina nods along but really, she can barely hear a word that he’s saying. He doesn’t seem to mind, instead focuses on trying to get closer to her while they dance, but Karolina doesn’t hesitate to pull back whenever he tries something. He doesn’t seem to mind that that much either. 

Karolina positions herself in front of Nico, so that she has a clear view of her, and hopes her staring isn’t too obvious. It takes Nico approximately 30 seconds to notice it; Karolina’s heart jumps up to her throat once she does.

And she tries to look away. Really, she does. But with her brain dazed from alcohol, it’s like her eyes can’t manage to listen to the command, and she finds herself staring into Nico’s eyes for several long, long moments.

It is still her who eventually looks away, though, with her face flushed and heart hammering.

She instead tries to focus on the boy in front of her; he dances with big movements, with enough enthusiasm that it makes it a little funny. He soon notices Karolina’s entertained smile and then only tries to intensify his silly moves, making Karolina burst into laughter. He enjoys it, probably reads more into it, because he puts an arm around her waist to bring her a bit closer. He doesn’t push her body against his or anything, so Karolina doesn’t feel awfully uncomfortable yet, but it does come impulsively to inch back from him.

But then she catches Nico’s gaze from above his shoulder, and it’s like electricity – it’s like a spark catching suddenly on fire, with the way Nico’s gaze blazes with something Karolina can’t recognize – and she stays in the boy’s embrace for a moment longer. It clearly excites him, because his smile grows wide. Karolina looks back at him to return it, and she knows she would never be able to do any of this sober because she’s literally _repulsed_ by men, but she places a hand on his shoulder and gives him a toothy smile.

He turns a deep shade of red, and Karolina has to force back an eye-roll.

They dance like that for a few minutes, then. Karolina waits until his attention isn’t entirely on her face, and chances a quick glance behind him. Her entire body runs hot when Nico’s gaze is already waiting for her, unreadable and expressionless, stoic as she’s ever seen her.

Karolina has to gulp down the urge to walk over to her and… do _something_ , anything other than _this_.

Drawing in a deep breath, she looks again. This time, she isn’t startled by Nico’s eyes still trained on her, unmoving, unchanging, alert and dark. Karolina now notices that Nico isn’t even dancing anymore at all, just standing in the middle of the crowd with a hand in her jacket’s pocket, and Karolina feels in her gut that something is about to happen.

It does, when Nico murmurs something under her breath, then starts her way over with almost unnervingly confident steps. She doesn’t tear her gaze away from Karolina’s for even a millisecond, and Karolina feels close to passing out.

When she is near enough, her hand unhesitatingly reaches for Karolina’s free wrist, and the action makes her drop her other hand from the boy’s shoulder immediately. 

“Hey there,” Nico is saying, but Karolina can’t breathe, can’t hear, can’t see anything other than Nico’s pretty, pretty eyes. The tug Nico gives her hand is the lightest it could be, and yet it makes Karolina’s whole body turn to her and away from him. Karolina murmurs a ‘hi’ and even though the music is way too loud, the corners of Nico’s lips do twitch at it. “Can I borrow you?”

Karolina fully smiles. “Sure.”

Nico shoots the boy a glance – or maybe more of a glare – and begins leading Karolina away. Karolina hasn’t got an idea of where they are going, and she can’t even really focus on the directions because of the warmth and softness of Nico’s hand on her wrist, but she follows wordlessly. 

_(She’s pretty sure she would follow Nico anywhere anyway.)_

They walk out of the room and into a different one, with fewer people and more tables, chairs, and a lot more oxygen. Nico pulls Karolina towards a line of bar stools standing by the wall, and Karolina instantly sits, only now noticing the ache in her soles.

In here, the music is muffled, so Nico doesn’t need to yell when she speaks. “What, you’re already tired?”

“Dude, I’ve been on my foot since forever,” Karolina whines, leans back against the wall behind her, and it puts a small, barely-there smile on Nico’s face. 

She doesn’t reply for a beat. Karolina looks at her, then, and lets herself inhale sharply; Nico looks legitimately _breath-taking_ up close. She doesn’t sit, instead stands in front of Karolina, but with the bar stool’s height, their faces are almost perfectly at level, and Karolina suddenly finds herself staring at Nico’s black-painted lips like they are hypnotic.

“I didn’t see you guys anywhere,” Nico replies finally, and Karolina gulps, reconnects their gazes. Has Nico been looking for her?

“I was at the bar,” Karolina says with a grin and an eye-roll, and Nico instantly understands, because she chuckles. “For like… three hours. You can imagine how much I have to contain myself to not roll off of this chair right now.”

“Oh my God,” Nico snorts. “I never would’ve thought Karolina Dean would be the drunkest one at each party.”

“Okay that is a _huge_ exaggeration,” Karolina defends, but in truth, she isn’t sure if it is; the room does feel a bit dizzying, and her mind has to scramble for thoughts to come to her mouth. “Besides, the only reason I wanted to get drunk today is because my life is shit.”

Nico grows serious, makes an empathetic face. “You still haven’t heard about your dad?”

“He called me the other day,” Karolina explains with a shrug, gaze dropping to her hands in her lap. “But he’s—he’s not coming home.”

Nico sighs. “And did your mom tell you anything, or…”

“Nope,” Karolina shakes her head. “I’m starting to think you might’ve been right.”

“What about?”

“About her being the problem.” She keeps her gaze on her lap, because talking about this hurts in ways Karolina’s never known – all of her childhood, her parents’ marriage was something that she thought to be exemplary, something that she thought set the standard for her own future relationships. And now, it feels like everything she’s known has shattered around herself, and she is yet to figure out how to deal with any of it.

A hand comes into her line of vision; it wraps around her fingers and gently squeezes, and Karolina finds herself holding back tears.

She is _not_ about to drunk-sob about her family problems to Nico Minoru right now. No way.

“Sorry,” Nico murmurs into the space between them, and only then does Karolina notice her proximity.

“It’s whatever,” Karolina breathes out, and really, it is. Now, looking back up at Nico’s dark lips, the last thing she wants to be talking about is her parents. It takes Nico a good couple of seconds to notice Karolina’s demeanor change, and when she does, Karolina senses it by the way her hand jerks; it’s a familiar feeling, a familiar situation, and Karolina finds herself back there on the beach, with Nico’s warm hands on her waist and kissing Nico’s lips like there was no tomorrow.

She swallows at the memories. 

Again, Nico’s soft voice breaks her out of her thoughts. “How drunk are you?”

The question staggers Karolina. She blinks a few times and locks her gaze on Nico’s; Nico is wearing the kind of serious expression that in any other situation, would scare Karolina. It does scare her a little now too, but it’s more agitating than frightening.

She hesitates to answer. In the moment, she doesn’t understand why it feels like her answer is going to decide something, but she runs it through her foggy brain several times.

She decides to be honest.

“I’m… a lot drunk,” she chuckles out. Nico remains serious. “Like. A 7 or 8 out of 10, I’d say.”

Nico’s eyes flicker up to the ceiling, then, and she mouths a soundless ‘fuck’. Karolina frowns and wants to ask, but Nico’s hand jerks once more, and then Nico looks back at her with fire burning in her eyes.

In that moment, Karolina knows they are going to kiss.

“How drunk are _you_?” She manages to utter, but it is barely above a whisper because every bone in her body feels jittery, every inch of her skin blisters in anticipation. She watches Nico’s eyes flicker between her eyes and mouth, before settling on the latter.

“I guess a lot more than I thought,” Nico mumbles, and it is near unintelligible – the only reason Karolina understands is because Nico’s somehow inched so close, there’s barely a foot between their faces. Karolina watches Nico watch her lips for one long moment, before sliding to the edge of her seat and pressing them against Nico’s own.

Nico’s response is instant and indisputable.

Her lips are somehow softer than Karolina’s remembered, but the feeling is exactly the same – it’s like fireworks going off one after the other in her ribcage, it’s trembles rocking through her whole body without any control. Nico removes her hand from her lap and instead places both on the bar stool, on either side of Karolina – her fingers barely brush the sides of Karolina’s hips as she sits, yet it sends tingles down her spine. This position also brings Nico closer to her, and Nico doesn’t hesitate to place her lips on hers firmer, to move her mouth in a way that sends Karolina’s mind spiraling. 

Only after a few moments, Karolina begins to feel in her gut that this isn’t _enough_ , that she needs so much more than anything Nico’s given her so far. So she parts her lips in hopes of Nico copying it, and it works – there’s a brief moment of stillness before their tongues meet, and when they do, Karolina isn’t even remotely ashamed to moan into Nico’s mouth. Her trembling hands come up to pull at Nico’s face, Nico’s own hands immediately go to Karolina’s waist, and the next thing Karolina feels is her back being pushed against the wall and Nico forcing herself in between her legs.

Karolina’s body is set ablaze.

Her thighs clench around Nico’s hips to keep her in place, while Nico’s tongue works hers so perfectly Karolina couldn’t stop another whimper leaving her even if she tried; she doesn’t really try, though, because the sound seemingly only spurs Nico on more, only brings her in closer, only makes her kiss Karolina a little deeper. Karolina’s hands get lost in Nico’s hair, her mind gets lost in the feel of her lips, her scent, her warmth as her soft body presses itself into Karolina’s front. Karolina doesn’t know how long it lasts, but she is sure it’s been at least minutes when Nico eventually separates their mouths.

Karolina doesn’t dare open her eyes; the room around her is spinning, her head is pounding from the loud beating of her pulse. Nico’s pants are quick, hot and wet against Karolina’s lips – and Karolina already wants to kiss her again.

When nothing happens, she does finally open her eyes. 

And it’s like everything comes rushing back: the music, voices, laughter, the stink of alcohol and smoke. She has to blink a few times before finally bringing her gaze up to meet Nico’s, and Nico’s eyes are dark, but also gleaming with something that looks like bliss, or excitement, or something Karolina can’t quite place right now.

Nico bites her lip, then her body jolts in a way that lets Karolina know she is about to pull back – without delay, Karolina is already tugging at her hair to bring her back in.

And she comes willingly.

This kiss is faster-paced, significantly braver, and turns messy in only an instant. Before she knows it, Karolina is leaning away from the wall and wrapping an arm around Nico’s shoulders, and this time, it is Nico’s turn to moan when their fronts press together – it’s quiet, almost non-existent, yet it makes Karolina all the more grateful that she is sitting down because she feels her legs begin to shake. Nico’s hold on her waist is strong, possessive in a way, laced with the undeniable frenzy both of them are feeling. 

It lasts even longer than the previous one, and Karolina genuinely can’t tell how much time passes. The only thing she can focus on is Nico’s warm tongue in her mouth and the way her body feels against her own. Nico doesn’t seem to care to stop any time soon either, but life just never seems to want to work in their favor somehow.

A very clear and distinctive “Have you seen Karolina?” rings out in the room; Nico and Karolina disconnect reflexively.

Karolina finds the source of the question soon; déjà vu hits her when she sees that it is, again, Julie, standing a few meters from them, talking to a group of their school mates.

“For fuck’s sake,” Nico abruptly murmurs, causing Karolina’s head to snap back to her. Nico doesn’t meet her gaze as she pulls away from her; Karolina feels the lack of her closeness in her core, and it _aches_ , aches in a way it never has before. 

Julie’s head is soon turning in their direction, eyes bright and oblivious. Nico clears her throat, shoves her hands inside the pockets of her leather jacket. Karolina watches it all happen in some sort of daze, and the only thing she can focus on is that Nico isn’t looking at her, and that her heart is trying to break through her very bones. She doesn’t know what to do with her shaking, _jittering_ hands, so she balls them into fists and keeps them in her lap.

Julie arrives, and Nico glares right into her eyes.

“There you are, I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” Julie is saying, but Karolina is still staring at Nico. It takes her a long beat of silence to realize she’s been spoken to.

“Oh,” she sputters, shakes her head, blinks. When she looks at her, Julie is wearing a confused frown. “I—I was… with Nico.” Saying her name feels foreign on Karolina’s tongue, considering that she has just been kissed senseless by her in the middle of a crowded room where at least 30 or so people have seen them. She wipes at her mouth with the back of her hand, looks at the black smudge like it is some sort of alien. Nico sees it, because she looks away with an awkward clear of throat.

Julie then says; “Tandy’s sick,” and that tears Karolina out of whatever haze Nico has put her in.

“Sick how?”

“Drunk,” Julie says. “But like a lot. I think we should get her home.”

Karolina looks at Nico, who still isn’t meeting her eyes. Everything inside of her feels trembling, and there’s panic steadily rising in her, so she can’t help but ask; “Are you oka—”

“Do you have a ride?” Nico interrupts.

“Well… I don’t know,” Karolina mumbles, trying to collect her thoughts and form a proper, coherent sentence. “I don’t—”

“I can ask one of my friends to take you if you want,” Julie offers helpfully, and Karolina nods. She sees Nico drop her chin, shift on her feet, and Karolina can’t get rid of the feeling that she’s done something wrong.

She stands from the bar stool, getting the sudden urge to escape. Nico beats her to it, though, because she states in a very calm, very clear voice; “I’m gonna go find my friends.”

“O—okay,” Karolina manages to utter, but Nico probably doesn’t hear it as she’s already walked off.

//

On Monday, Karolina walks into school on wobbly legs. 

She spent the rest of her weekend repeating the memories of Saturday night over and over in her head. Regardless of the fact that this time, she truly had been drunk, she remembers every single detail like it happened a minute ago. She can perfectly recall the feel of Nico’s lips on her own, the softness of her body, the little whimpers she let out whenever Karolina pulled her a little closer. Just thinking about it makes Karolina feel electric, makes her feel addicted in a way, and she knows this is something she will never be able to get over.

As euphoric as the feeling is, each time Karolina dwells on these memories, it quickly turns into panic; she can’t get the picture of Nico’s impassive, almost upset expression out of her head when they parted, and Karolina can’t help feeling like she did something wrong.

It is during P.E that they first see each other. As Karolina makes her way inside the gym hall, for a moment, she dreads that Nico is going to ignore her, or be mad at her or something. Tandy is telling her a story but Karolina can’t even pretend to be listening; her sole focus becomes Nico, sitting on a mattress with Gert, and the way just the sight of her causes Karolina to lose her breath is beyond ridiculous. 

She’s got her hair in a ponytail, and even from the distance Karolina can make out her pentagram earrings. She is in gym clothes; she’s got on leggings and a black tank top that shows the curves on her arms, and when she leans forward to rest her elbows on her knees, Karolina finds herself nearly falling over her own two feet because she suddenly can’t for the life of her stop staring at Nico’s biceps.

Tandy notices, laughs at her, then pulls her to sit on a bench.

When they sit, Karolina’s cheeks are burning from embarrassment, and Nico chooses that particular moment to lock her gaze on her. Karolina feels herself flush even redder, and her heart is thumping loud in her ears as she watches Nico slightly nod at her with a barely-there smile.

_God_. Karolina is so far gone, it isn’t even a little funny anymore.

Tandy does find it that, however, with the way she bursts into giggles at the exchange. Nico thankfully doesn’t notice it, or if she does, she chooses to ignore it.

The teacher walks in, then, and class begins. It goes by relatively fast, because Karolina spends the majority of it staring at Nico, and soon the bell is already ringing. Karolina turns to walk to Tandy so they can head back to change together, but Nico calls out her name and she immediately halts.

Turning to face her, Nico is already walking over, not quite smiling but eyes open and inviting, and Karolina knows they are okay.

“Hey,” Karolina greets, allows an automatic smile to fall upon her lips, even though she is awfully nervous.

“Hi,” Nico replies, voice soft but clear.

She then starts walking out the gym hall after their classmates, and motions for Karolina to follow. She does after a beat, surprised, thinking Nico would want to talk in private again, but instead she just walks next to Karolina as they begin their way to the changing rooms.

“Did you find a ride on Saturday?” Nico speaks after a few seconds. It is odd, but also a good way to start a conversation about it, Karolina guesses.

“Yeah,” Karolina nods, smiles, wracks her brain about what the hell she is going to say when Nico finally blurts out her real question: _why the fuck do you keep kissing me while drunk out of your mind at every party?_ “Some guy gave us a ride, whom I still don’t know the name of.”

Nico lets out a small chuckle. “And was Tandy okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, she was fine,” Karolina waves it off. “She almost threw up a few times but we rolled down the windows and she was fine.”

“You guys are something else,” Nico says, and Karolina quirks her brows at her. “I just mean like, I wouldn’t peg either of you the party-girl type or whatever, and yet…”

“Okay honestly, I think you are over exaggerating this topic about me a whole lot.”

Nico laughs, and Karolina’s heart flutters at the sound of it; they are almost at the changing rooms, and Karolina finds herself reflexively slowing her steps to buy themselves time.

“No offense, but I really don’t think I am,” Nico says with a pointed brow, and Karolina rolls her eyes at her. “Look, you can’t exactly blame me.”

Now that is an indication if Karolina’s ever heard one. Their eyes lock for the briefest second, before Nico swiftly drops hers to her shoes. 

Karolina bites her lip, and blurts out without thinking; “Are we okay?”

Nico’s steps instinctively stall; Karolina follows suit, stopping completely and turning towards Nico. Their classmates walk around them into the changing rooms, and Nico waits to reply until there isn't anybody on the corridors.

“What do you mean?” She then asks, but she does not sound confused – she knows exactly what Karolina means, but wants her to elaborate.

“I don’t know,” Karolina admits with a sigh. Her hands tremble as she brings them together in front of her, and Nico watches the movement, a thoughtful look crossing her face. “It’s just…” and Karolina does not know how to word it; she is absolutely petrified of saying something like _‘we kissed’_ or _‘what happened between us’_ or _‘what happened on Saturday’_ out loud, because it would make it all way too real, and truth be told, she is _terrified_ of losing Nico.

She is so scared of saying something that would scare Nico away, that she ends up not saying anything at all.

Nico arches her brows. “What?”

“Nothing. I just wanted to make sure you weren’t like… mad.” 

“Mad about what?” Nico asks, seemingly calm, but her eyes are glowing as they search Karolina’s face.

There is a long moment of silence before Karolina replies. When she does, her voice sounds awfully foreign to her own ears. “I don’t know, you just seemed kinda’ mad when—when you left on Saturday.”

Nico drops her gaze back to Karolina’s fidgeting hands.

“No, I—I wasn’t mad at all,” she says. Then her eyes shut for a second, and she blows out a big breath; Karolina’s stomach clenches into a knot in anticipation of her next words. “Listen, I just… I feel like we were both, like, seriously drunk and we just… it just… was. You know?”

Karolina’s eyes narrow, and her heart stops beating in her chest. She nods an affirmative, even though no, she does not know at all. 

“I mean, I know _I_ was,” Nico adds, flustered, cheeks slightly darkening. “And you really seemed like it, too, so…” She finishes it like a question, and as she gazes into Karolina’s eyes with this searching, almost begging look, Karolina realizes she is waiting for an answer.

She shakes her head to snap out of it. “Yeah, no. I was. I… I _was_ pretty drunk, yeah,” she stammers, blinking rapidly, suddenly not even really knowing where to look; looking at Nico causes some sort of stir in her chest right now, so she settles on her shoes.

Nico exhales, and it sounds terribly like a breath of relief – Karolina feels something drop to the pit of her stomach.

“Let’s go change, then,” Karolina says, shattering the weird air around them. Nico gives a big, atypical nod, and then they walk inside.

//

Karolina spends the rest of her day holding back her tears, and she honestly does not understand why she feels this absolutely _devastated_ right now. They sit in the cafeteria eating their lunch, and as Karolina watches Nico make jokes and tell stories and be all funny and cheeky like always, she realizes that she experienced their earlier conversation as _utter_ heartbreak.

And honestly, she has never in her life felt more pathetic.

//

On Thursday, Karolina dreads walking into the French classroom, and that is why she nearly makes herself be late to the lesson. Nico is already sitting at their shared desk, and her smile is as bright as the sun when she spots Karolina rushing through the door.

“You’re in a hurry?” She asks with a teasing glint in her eyes, and Karolina nearly falls over her feet at the sight of it, of her; she is wearing a baggy gray shirt with black leather pants, she’s got her hair up in a half-messy bun, and her makeup is a mix of red and orange today – in her mind, Karolina often associates Nico’s heavy makeup looks with hiding, and there might be some truth to that, but lately Karolina’s began to think of it more as art, effort, elegance than anything else.

"Yep, I'm in a hurry to you," Karolina teases back, and Nico chuckles at the joke, having no idea how untrue that is. Karolina flops down on the chair and drops her bag on the ground. "Ugh, I'm already sick of today."

"It's only third period," Nico sing-songs.

"I know," Karolina groans. "Don't know if I ever told you, but I _hate_ school, by the way."

"Oh, I think you've mentioned a couple times," Nico snorts. "But hey, it's almost Thanksgiving break, so that's something."

Karolina's heart drops a little. "Right."

"What?" Nico instantly asks.

"Just... not sure how my Thanksgiving will go this year, with my parents fighting and all."

"Oh," Nico lets out, a bit softer and quieter. "Well, yeah. That definitely won't be fun."

"I'm meeting my dad this week, supposedly," Karolina blurts out, and it's almost staggering how it just comes naturally: opening up to Nico has never been difficult whenever it came to it, but it rarely ever did; now, Karolina feels closer to her somehow, and it is _easy_. 

"Really?" Nico asks, immediately alert and interested. Karolina figures that is why it is easy: Nico always, _always_ manages to seem like she cares about what she has to say. "How come?"

"I don't know, he called yesterday and we talked for like, two hours, and before we hung up he asked if we could do something this week."

"Does he call a lot?" 

"Yeah," Karolina nods. "Not everyday, but we text a lot, too."

"That's good, at least. And when are you meeting?"

"We agreed on Friday, he'll pick me up after school... I hope he'll tell me what the fuck's going on, because my mom is not budging."

"That is so weird how they don't want you to know, I figured out my dad was cheating like, 10 minutes after my mom did. Mom told us right away."

"I don't believe either of them cheated... I feel like dad did something but I don't think he cheated. I don't know, though..."

"Men can be the literal worst sometimes, don't get it twisted," Nico says with a grin, and Karolina bursts into a chuckle. 

"You're right, I know. It's just..." Karolina trails off, and Nico gives her a sympathetic look.

"Aw what, you're a daddy's daughter?" She says with a smile, but she isn't teasing Karolina; Karolina doesn't feel ashamed to shrug. "Same," Nico then admits with a shrug, and they both laugh. "That's why it literally devastated me to find out he was the bad guy. And it felt like I didn't even know him, like he wasn't the dad I knew, but as I grew up I realized he was still the same man, just a man that didn't love mom anymore."

"Right."

"And, obviously, I'm not saying cheating isn't horrible, but he didn't do it against me, but against my mom, so I kinda' just... _had_ to forgive, in a way."

"You didn't necessarily _have_ to forgive him, you know," Karolina cuts in. "You had the right to be mad at him just because he didn't hurt you directly."

"Yeah, I guess..." Nico murmurs with a frown. "It's just hard to stay mad, is what I mean."

"Well yeah, I can imagine."

A moment of silence falls over them. Looking around, Karolina only now notices that the room has filled up with students. When she is near Nico, or especially when they are interacting, it's like the rest of the world completely falls away.

"By the way, we're meeting at Ty's this weekend with a few friends," Nico grabs her attention once again. "You guys should come. Could get your mind off things."

At the offer, there's already images of the two of them kissing flashing through Karolina's mind. She blinks a few times to clear it.

"Yeah, I'll ask the others," Karolina says with a smile, which Nico returns, then Mrs Tuba walks in to start French.

//

They talk, laugh together, make jokes and bicker during lunches, and Karolina's aching heart begins to subside. It doesn't stop hurting; Karolina feels like this is one of those painful things that just simply last until their cause is resolved, and as sad as that is, Karolina doesn't believe that will happen any time soon. 

There are things that make it a bit better, though.

On Friday, Karolina's dad picks her up after school and takes her to a Café, and it is more bittersweet than anything else - it does feel good to see him, but it also makes her want to cry. It is almost five hours later that he takes her home, and when Karolina looks at her phone, there's a text message from Nico awaiting her.

_'Hey. How did it go with ur dad?'_

Karolina's stomach flutters, and a big smile immediately cracks her face in half. 

_'Just got home. It went well I guess, but idk. It was good to see him but it only made me miss him more :('_ She hits send before walking further into the house, and she walks up to her mother sitting in the living room. 

"Hey, honey," Leslie says, and Karolina leans down to press a kiss to her cheek. "Did you guys have a good time?"

"Um," Karolina makes a face. "What do you think, mom? I don't think either of us was really in the mood for fun."

"Oh, c'mon," Leslie rolls her eyes at her. "You know what I mean. How is he?"

"Bad," Karolina shrugs, hears her phone chime. "Care to finally tell me what's going on with you two?"

"Nope," Leslie states and turns back to scroll on her phone. Karolina leaves her in a huff.

She only looks at Nico's text in her room. ' _I can imagine. :/ And did he tell you anything?'_

_'Nope. And mom's not willing to either. I'm fucking sick of them'_

_'Fuck, dude that's so annoying lol'_

  
Karolina lets out a snort. _'Ikr. They probably think it's better if I dont know but like I'm not 5.'_

_'Right. Parents can be the worst sometimes.'_

_'Yep,'_ Karolina types back, chews on her lip as she tries to come up with something else to say. She doesn't have to dwell too much, because Nico's text comes soon enough.

_'Btw are u guys coming tomorrow?'_

At that, Karolina's face heats up for some reason. She replies with _'yeah, we'll be there around 10 bc Tandy's got family plans before that, but we're going.'_

' _Cool_ ,' is Nico's last text. Karolina stands to go take a shower, her excitement for tomorrow night already causing knots to form in her stomach.

//

The day goes by faster than Karolina would've thought, mostly due to the fact that she spends the majority of it getting ready for the night. After she's showered, done a face mask, exfoliated and all, she begins doing her hair and makeup at 6, and she still isn't ready at 9:30, when she is supposed to leave and meet the others.

They arrive at Ty's around 11, and seemingly everyone is already there. There's around 30 people at most, and it doesn't take Karolina long to find Nico. Her stomach immediately drops a little, though, because she finds her sitting on a couch with Alex, talking with their faces way too close to each other.

Karolina doesn't let it ruin her mood.

She instead pays attention to the others: Chase drags her off to the kitchen to take a shot, and Karolina is more than glad to accept it. It burns her throat in an uncomfortable way, and she always realizes whenever she drinks that she actually loathes alcohol, but.

It has only helped put her in certain... _interesting_ situations, so she is not about to start denying it from herself now.

It is almost an hour later that she emerges from the kitchen and saunters back into the living room. This time, Nico is standing in the corner with Gert and Alex, and Karolina finds herself sighing with relief. She's only had two drinks but she already feels it making her a bit fuzzy, and probably that is what gives her the courage to walk over to the trio and grin straight at Nico.

Nico's lips swiftly pull into a small smile. "Hi," she greets, Gert and Alex following suit. 

"Hey guys."

"Karolina, have you seen Chase?" Gert asks.

"Yeah, I was in the kitchen with him," Karolina tells her, and Gert leaves with a thanks. Karolina finds herself alone with Alex and Nico, who actually haven't been talking to each other in school for weeks, but now seem to be on great terms. The urge to escape from the situation rapidly overtakes her, so she looks around awkwardly, spots Julie from across the room and quickly strolls over. "I'll be right back."

Julie's smile for her is sincere. It doesn't put a thousand knots in Karolina's stomach and it doesn't make her fingers tremble like leaves, so Karolina decides this might just be the place for her right now.

//

Alex is attached to Nico's side. 

It is definitely one of those things that Karolina didn't expect to happen tonight, and now, looking at them sitting on the couch talking and laughing for hours on end, it doesn't even feel real. They transformed the living room into a mini dance floor, and Karolina has been fooling around there with Chase, Tandy and Julie for the past hour. She has been keeping half an eye on Nico, (of course), but Nico hasn't even really looked in their direction; maybe one or two glances at first, but now, with a red cup in her hand and Alex's head basically blocking out anybody else from Nico's view, it is like all else ceased to exist to them.

It hurts so much that it puts a pressure on Karolina's chest.

She forces smiles and laughs for her friends' sake but in truth, all she wants right now is to just go home. 

But, she tries her hardest to have fun: after a while, the lights get shut off and the music gets louder, and most people gravitate to the ever-growing dancing bundle. Before Karolina knows it, there are bodies pressing up against her in all directions as the 30 or so people try to fit into the tight living room. It's fun, it's easy and it's dark, and everyone is drunk, and Karolina feels herself begin to let more and more loose and forget about Nico dancing with Alex and Ty across the room. 

That is why she fails to notice when someone comes up to her from behind. 

She just feels palms press against her sides, and she turns around to find Nico's pretty, _pretty_ face smiling up at her. 

Karolina's pulse skyrockets and her cheeks flush, but a silly, ridiculously huge smile immediately overtakes her features. Nico stands on her tiptoes to yell into Karolina’s ear, so Karolina quickly leans down to meet her.

“I’ve barely seen you.”

Karolina’s body shivers at the statement – Nico’s breath is warm against the side of her neck, and her scent still has the same ridiculous effects on her. Rolling her eyes with a grin, she replies; “Alex got you busy.”

She doesn’t know where it comes from, but she doesn’t feel embarrassed to say it; Nico quirks her brows with a big laugh, the kind that makes the corners of her eyes crinkle, and Karolina feels drunk.

_(Drunk on Nico, not on any alcohol.)_

“And all of your friends got _you_ busy,” Nico shoots back, but Karolina gives her a look that says ‘ _you know that isn't the same._ ’ Nico’s eyeroll is instant, but she stays quiet because she knows Karolina is right.

So they dance. It only takes a minute, maybe two, for Nico to saunter close and put her hands on Karolina. Karolina knows Nico is drunk right now – probably drunker than any other times before. She can tell it by her lopsided grin, her hazy eyes and her slurred words; she can also feel it on her breath as it hits Karolina’s chin.

But, Karolina lets her put a hand on her waist and another on her hip, and Karolina does the same: wraps an arm around Nico’s shoulders and puts her other one on her waist. Her heart beats out of her chest as she very lightly attempts to pull on Nico’s hips. Nico is apparently still very self-aware despite the booze in her system, because she instantly gets the hint and pushes herself forward. Karolina has to hold back a moan as Nico’s body flushes against hers, their hips rolling to the rhythm without any sort of difficulty, faces suddenly so close Karolina would only have to lean forward a few inches to press their lips together.

And probably she would, if there weren’t a crowd around them.

She feels her fingers begin to tremble as they grab at Nico’s shoulder, and her entire face feels on fire – when Nico looks at her, her expression is serious but her eyes are glowing, and it abruptly flashes through Karolina’s mind if Nico looks at Alex this way, too.

She shoos the thought away. Instead, she grabs Nico’s hand and spins her around – Nico’s laugh is loud, it causes Karolina to chuckle too, but she doesn’t waste time in reaching for Nico’s small hips and pulling her back in. 

Nico seems to like the new position, with the way she leans back into Karolina straight away, and as Karolina sneaks an arm around her, she makes sure to _really_ push up against Karolina’s pelvis in response. Karolina’s whole body feels charged with electricity, her skin feels smoldering wherever they touch, and as Nico continues to move her hips _perfectly_ in sync with the beat, she can’t stop herself from burying her face in Nico’s neck and pulling her so close, it feels like they are melting into one. 

However, Tyrone chooses that moment to throw his arms around their shoulders from behind – they both startle but don’t break apart, but Nico swiftly turns to face them. Ty leans lower to shout something into Nico’s ear, and Karolina only hears that it is something about Alex. Nico frowns, nods, then looks at Karolina to mouth; “Sorry, I gotta go,” and leaves without waiting for a response.

// 

An hour or so later, Karolina is still searching for Nico with her eyes. She stayed to dance with Ty, and then a few minutes later Tandy appeared as well, but it would be a lie to say she is having fun. She can’t shake the feeling of being abandoned for Alex by Nico, and it _stings_ like an open wound.

She eventually leaves Tandy and Ty and makes her way to the kitchen. She is surprised to find that it’s empty, but it comes as a relief – she finds a clean glass and pours some tap water in it, chugs half of it down before Julie appears in the doorway.

“Karolina,” Julie says, all happy and excited, and Karolina doesn’t even attempt to match her enthusiasm.

“Julie, hi.”

“I’ve been looking for you, where have you been?” From just that one sentence, Karolina can tell that Julie is _wasted_. “You look good.”

Karolina lets out a chuckle as she leans back against the counter. “I was dancing.”

Julie comes closer, then, and takes Karolina’s glass. Karolina raises her brows at her, but Julie just drinks it without a word. 

“Are you okay?” Karolina asks with a laugh. 

Julie replies with something, Karolina is sure she does, but it goes right through her head when she sees Nico walk into the kitchen behind Julie’s shoulder. Since it is a big room, there’s still a good 10 feet between them, and Nico doesn’t even notice them as she is busy talking to Gert. 

Julie snaps her fingers in front of her eyes. Karolina blinks at her.

“Karooo, are you listening?”

“Shit, sorry,” Karolina laughs at Julie’s drunken chitchat. “What were you saying?”

Nico’s head snaps towards them when she hears Karolina’s voice – they lock eyes for a short moment, but Karolina tries to keep her focus on Julie, and also doesn’t want to give Nico the satisfaction; Nico shouldn’t think Karolina is always just waiting for her to come back, to spend time with her whenever she wants to. Karolina does have a life, too, regardless of how much it feels like it revolves around Nico lately.

Or so she tells herself.

So she keeps her gaze on Julie, listens to her ramble on about nothing in particular. She quickly finds out that Julie is a happy drunk, with the way she has to grip Karolina's arms to steady herself from her giggles. It is also contagious, and Karolina soon finds herself chuckling along with her. She can feel Nico's eyes on her, she can even see it from the corner of her eye; Nico is leaned against the counter with Gert by her side, and Gert is talking very animatedly about something while Nico just nods along mutely and watches Karolina. It's one of those weird situations that feel awkward yet satisfying at the same time, and Karolina can't stop herself from blushing under her intense gaze.

After a few minutes, Nico leans off of the counter and turns to walk off. Karolina watches Gert stop her with a hand on her arm, saying something about her wanting a drink. Nico stops, with her back against Karolina and Julie, and Karolina is hit with the familiar feeling that she's, again, done something wrong.

She is suddenly so busy staring at the back of Nico's head, trying to figure out if she is mad or something, that she accidently totally tunes out Julie's voice. The last thing she hears her say is "Fuck me, you're literally so pretty," before there's a pair of lips pressing against her mouth.

For a moment, she completely freezes. Her eyes drop down for a moment, almost shutting closed, but her brain catches up with its surroundings just in time, and she is already leaning back and breaking the kiss.

"Julie," she breathes out, only for them to hear. "What are you doing?"

She does not listen to the answer, because she looks behind Julie, and Nico is looking straight at them with her mouth agape, eyes bulging, wearing an expression Karolina has never seen on her face before. Her lips form a quiet "wow," before simply turning on her heels and walking out. Karolina's stomach instantly churns.

Julie is already rambling on about something totally else, so Karolina excuses herself and hurries after Nico. She catches the confused gaze of Gert, but pays no mind to her as her heart is suddenly in her throat and the only thing chanting in her mind is that she _has_ to fix this.

She sees Nico hurry towards the front door, but her voice gets lost in the music when she calls after her. By the time Karolina gets to the door, Nico has already shut it firmly behind herself, and Karolina's panic is plummeting through the roof as she tears it open and yells, "Nico, wait!"

Nico isn't far; she is maybe 20 or so feet down the sidewalk, and Karolina is quick to close that distance between them. Nico turns to her with an angry huff, and when they come face to face, it's like a punch to the gut: Nico's eyes are bloodshot, and they are burning with clear, _absolute_ hurt and betrayal.

"Fuck," Karolina finds herself breathing out into the chilly air, fingers coming up to press at her eyes. "Nico, I..." and she trails off like the dumb idiot that she is, because she actually has no idea what to say. Not a week ago Nico told her plain and simple that they had only made out because they had been drunk - and now, Karolina is back to being scared of saying anything even remotely equivocal, in fear of scaring Nico away, or just simply embarrassing herself with thinking there's more between them than there actually is.

Nico's eyebrows jump, scoffing. Karolina grits her teeth in anticipation of her words.

"What, Karolina?" She asks, and her voice is soft, but it drips of venom.

"I'm... I don't know," Karolina utters, whole body shaking like a leaf. She wants to tell Nico so many things, but she is so utterly petrified of saying the wrong thing that she chooses to stay quiet.

Nico lets out a humorless chuckle. After a beat of silence she speaks, and her voice sounds strangely weak; "Tell me this, though. Do you, like, always do this?" Karolina stares at her. "I'm honestly asking, how many girls do you do this to? Just... get drunk at parties, make out once in a while, then go and act like nothing happened, and then repeat again with someone else?"

Karolina's brows jump to her forehead in surprise. Nico is very clearly drunk: her words are slurring, and Karolina knows she would probably never say any of this if she were sober. But as she looks at Nico's determined expression, she knows she also means it - drunk words are sober thoughts, and Karolina's anger flares.

"Are you actually serious right now, Nico?" Karolina deadpans. "You're saying that as if you aren't doing the same exact thing with me."

"What am I doing, Karolina?" Nico throws her hands up a little in the air. "I'm not the one kissing fucking everyone around me at every party."

"You do know that _she_ kissed _me_ , right?" Karolina says, voice getting louder by the second. At that, Nico seems to deflate a little; her lips part to say something, but the fire is set inside Karolina's chest, and she beats her to it. "And either way, how come you suddenly get to be mad about this?" Nico's eyes flutter to the ground, then, and Karolina sees her cheeks become pink.

"I didn't say I got to be mad about it..." she murmurs after a bit of stillness, but it only fuels Karolina's anger.

"But you _did_ get mad about it," Karolina points out. "Meanwhile, you were the one latched onto Alex's side _literally_ this whole night."

Nico's defeated eyes suddenly switch to shocked ones, before letting out gasp of disbelief. "Are you kidding me right now?"

"No," Karolina shoots back. "Why?"

"Why wouldn't I be talking to Alex if I wanted to?" Nico questions, and Karolina rolls her eyes to the back of her head. She turns away from Nico for a moment, lets out a dreary chuckle, and when she looks back, Nico's eyes are wide with fear. "You know what, you're right," she says suddenly, tone back to soft and reserved. Karolina snaps her head back to her.

"About what?"

"That I don't have the right to get—to _say_ anything about Julie, or anyone," Nico states so matter-of-factly, as if she were telling Karolina about the weather. "And you don't get to be mad about Alex."

"I don't... think I said that," Karolina murmurs, but Nico is already talking again.

"And we agreed that we were just drunk, so."

Karolina shuts up, then. She wants to say something, she so desperately does; she wants to yell that _no, actually_ you're _the one who agreed to that_ , she wants to scream that this isn't what she wants, isn't what she ever wanted, but she can't. 

Nico's eyes show pure fright, and Karolina _cannot_ lose her to her stupid fucking feelings. 

"Fine," is all Karolina comes up with, after a very long, very heavy silence. Nico releases a breath of relief, and Karolina knows this situation all too well by now. In only a matter of milliseconds there are tears stinging at her eyes, and it is only by luck that Nico looks away just in time to not see a couple fall. With a clear of throat, she croaks out; "Glad we cleared that up," before turning and basically running back to the house.

She hears a faint 'Karolina' before she gets to the front door, but she doesn't dare look back.


	4. Chapter 4

The following week, Karolina is back to avoiding Nico like the plague. 

This time, there is no denying or lessening the constant, terrible ache in her chest every waking second that she has; she can't think, she can't study, she can't eat or sleep or do _anything_ without the thought of Nico in her head, without wondering of all the ways she could've handled things differently. 

But as much as she overthinks about it, the clearer it gets that there is nothing she could've done to make this happen in another way. In the end, it all comes down to one thing: Nico doesn't want her the way Karolina has always, _always_ wanted Nico. And it is the realest pain she has ever known.

Of course, avoiding Nico is a much harder task than Karolina would like; on Mondays, they have P.E. together, on Tuesdays they have Biology, and on Thursdays there's the French lessons – and, of course, the unavoidable lunches, because it is not like Karolina will force their friend groups to separate because of something _stupid_ like this. Karolina gets through Monday without so much as a word to Nico. On Tuesday, she is already sitting at her desk when Nico walks into the Biology classroom, and Karolina forces her gaze to stay on her phone, not even chancing a glance up.

Nico walks towards her, making her way to her usual seat a few rows behind her, but her steps come to a halt when she reaches Karolina's desk.

Karolina's pulse quickens, and Nico doesn't even wait for her to lift her head; "Hey." It is said simply, quietly enough to get lost in the class's chatter. 

Sucking in a big gulp of air, Karolina makes sure her face is as expressionless as it can get before looking up at her; her next breath basically catches in her lungs, because Nico looks so _disturbingly_ beautiful. She is wearing a black shirt with a transparent neckline, with a black miniskirt and stockings. Her makeup is particularly dark today with grayish undertones, her lips are fully black, her hair is half let down, half up in space buns – everything about her screams _confidence_ , and it takes Karolina several seconds to manage a reply.

"Hey," she utters eventually.

As stoic as Nico's entire appearance may look, her eyes are the complete opposite: it takes Karolina a moment or two to notice the underlying vulnerability, caution in them.

"How're you?" Nico asks after a bit of silence. Karolina's chest instantly fills with annoyance – so now Nico wants to know how she is, but she didn't seem to give much of a crap on Saturday. At least not enough to go after her, and certainly not enough to not break Karolina's heart with a few simple words. 

But instead of all of that, Karolina just says; "I've been better."

Nico nods after a moment, clearly waiting for more – Karolina doesn't give it to her. 

"Okay..." Nico draws out, shifts a little on her feet, making the chains on her boots clink. "I'll go sit, then."

Karolina doesn't look up at her again, only gives a silent nod. Nico lingers for a beat, before reluctantly walking away to her seat.

Karolina soon finds herself trying not to cry.

Lunches are all the same: Karolina stays quiet and allows the boys' voices to fill up their table, only occasionally talking to Tandy or Chase. Alex and Nico mostly keep their distance from each other, but not in the way it was before; now they don't seem to have trouble sitting next to each other or making jokes like they used to, and Karolina is surprised to find herself not even slightly bothered by it.

Above all, Nico and Alex are friends, and it is clear in their interactions.

_(Plus, it is not like she has any right to be mad about Alex, as Nico so kindly told her.)_

Karolina sometimes accidently catches Nico's gaze before swiftly looking away, but she more often than not feels Nico's eyes resting on her – it isn't something Karolina understands, nor is it something she particularly cares to understand – she has to be done with Nico, in one way or another, she _needs_ to find some sort of closure or else she'll go insane.

On Thursday, Karolina doesn't hurry to French, instead arrives just in time before the bell rings. She says hi to Nico and Nico returns it, and when she sits down next to her, Nico abruptly angles her body towards hers.

Karolina's stomach clenches, knowing she is going to speak, but she looks up at her expectantly.

"I—I wanted to ask you if you were free this weekend," Nico begins somewhat shyly, and Karolina quirks her brows at her. "Gert had this idea that we should go out and do something, eat or... watch a movie or something, with Molly, and we thought you and Tandy should come, too, if you want."

Karolina opens her mouth to reply, but no sound comes out for a long, dense moment. Taking in Nico's hopeful expression, she is swiftly hit with guilt because she already knows her answer.

Nico seems to know in that moment, too, because her face falls even before Karolina opens her mouth and says; "I mean, thanks, but... no, I don't think I'm really up for that."

Nico swallows with a nod, murmurs an okay. The teacher walks in, and Nico turns to face forwards, away from Karolina. Karolina whispers a "Sorry," but Nico just waves her off with an extremely forced smile.

Karolina feels bad, but she knows she's made the right decision; because first off, she is mad at Nico. No matter how much she tries to think that she isn't, Nico hurt her. Even though it is true that it isn't Nico's fault that she doesn't feel that way about Karolina, in a way, Karolina feels led on. And second off, she just simply knows it wouldn't be a good idea – she is not ready to pretend to be having fun in Nico's company, when all she can feel around her right now is heartache.

Karolina is so deeply lost in her thoughts, that the next thing she notices is her classmates packing up and standing to leave. Karolina quickly grabs her bag and shoves her books inside, but before she could rise from her seat, there is hand reaching for her arm.

"Wait," Nico is saying, and Karolina's heart gallops. Nevertheless, she stays seated, and watches Nico's eyes flicker around the room until the last few kids leave through the door. She then twists her body towards Karolina and looks at her with the most anxious expression Karolina's seen on her so far.

"Listen," she starts, and her tone is soft, but it is also shaky from nervousness. Karolina inhales sharply, already preparing herself for some sort of heartbreak. "I... know you've been avoiding me, again," Nico murmurs, and it sounds like just saying that is painful for her. She shuts her eyes for a moment, inhales, and when she opens them, they are shining from tears.

Karolina reflexively lurches forward. "Nico—"

"Wait," Nico interrupts, taps her black nails on their desk, and Karolina's whole chest feels like it wants to crack open. "Let me finish, please." She gulps loudly a few times, but when she speaks, her voice still trembles. "I _hate_ it when you're avoiding me. And I know you have the right to be mad at me, I know I messed up with the whole... Julie-situation." She presses a fingertip to the corners of her eyes, clears her throat. "I know it was irrational, when even when—when we were at the beach, you were _always_ clear about what it was." Karolina's brows furrow at that, but she remains quiet. "And I was clear, too; we were on the same page since the first time, we both knew we were just being drunk and stupid."

"Nico," Karolina cuts in, because the things coming out of Nico's mouth make absolutely _no_ sense. 

"No, no, let me finish," Nico insists, so Karolina quiets. "And then I lashed out at you when I shouldn't have, and I know it seemed like I was just trying to pick a fight or something, and maybe I was, I don't know, I was drunk..." she trails off for a moment, cheeks red. "And now it's like... we're back to square one and you're back to avoiding me, and it _sucks_ because it makes me feel like _literal_ shit."

For the next moment, Karolina is left utterly speechless.

First of all, she doesn't understand when Nico started to care about her like this – truth be told, they aren't even friends. They never have been; even before the beach party, even before Karolina started avoiding her because of Alex, they were not friends. Friendly, sure, but she never would have expected Nico to show this level of regard for her.

She cannot lie and say it doesn't feel good, because it does. It makes her feel on top of the world.

"I..." Karolina begins, but her words die in her throat. Nico wipes at her eyes, careful not to smudge her makeup, but her gaze is stuck, alert and listening on Karolina's face. Karolina knows it isn't the time nor the place, but she can't _not_ notice how pretty Nico looks with reddened eyes, and she can't help but blush under her stare. "I—I don't know what to say, to be honest..." she finally croaks out. Nico's lips part in surprise for a moment, before dropping her gaze in clear disappointment. 

Karolina flinches.

"I—”

"I guess I was trying to say sorry," Nico interrupts. "I suck at talking about deep shit so bear with me here." She chuckles, then. It is an awkward chuckle, but it's one that cuts right through the gloomy tension between them. A gasp of a laugh leaves Karolina, and it suddenly seems much easier to respond with something.

"Well, it's okay," Karolina says, finally. Nico's eyebrows come together in attention. Inhaling a breath, Karolina elaborates; "I wasn't mad about the Julie-thing, by the way."

Nico's frown deepens. "You weren't?"

"No," Karolina sighs out. Still afraid, _always_ afraid of saying something too revealing, she chooses her words carefully; "It was just the way it was handled..." Nico's nod is immediate, but her eyes do show confusion. Karolina decides to be honest, maybe for the first time ever with Nico. "I really hated that you made me feel, like, weird and guilty when I mentioned Alex, right after you kinda' lashed out at me because of Julie." She states, clear and simple, even if her heart is beating out of its place. "Just didn't think that was fair, I guess..."

This time, Nico's nod is surer. "It wasn't, you're right. Sorry about that, too. It was hypocritical."

"Yeah," Karolina nods, and they sit there for a long, heavy beat of silence, just looking at the other. Karolina begins feeling uncomfortable quite soon though, with the intensity shining in Nico's eyes right now, so she grabs her backpack from the desk. "Alright, let's get to lunch."

"Right," Nico swiftly agrees, springing to her feet as well. "Let's go."

As they begin walking towards the door, Karolina's heart does a sudden flutter at the thought that Nico has, in fact, just apologized to her in actual almost-tears.

It makes her halt her steps.

"Nico," she murmurs, and Nico is quick to face her. "I... I appreciate this, by the way," it comes out as more of a fast stutter than anything else, but she knows Nico understands, with the way her eyes immediately soften at the edges. "Thanks."

She only nods in response, but Karolina didn't expect more anyway.

//

Their talk after French lessens Karolina's pain a little.

What actually helps is knowing that Nico cares about her: it's an elevating feeling, and it's a feeling Karolina only now realizes that she's lacked before. They might not fully know each other, but Karolina does know Nico enough to see that she is an extremely reserved person; she doesn't show her emotions much, she isn't the type of person to turn situations into more meaningful or serious than they need to be.

She wears this 'facade' so well, that whenever it does slip a little bit, she is like a completely different person. And this is why it means so much that Nico sought her out, with her whole heart on her sleeve, and tried to genuinely fix this between them. 

It might not have been the kind of _fix_ Karolina would hope for, but it was still better than nothing. _So_ _much_ better than nothing.

However, Karolina doesn't take up on Nico's offer to go out with the girls that weekend. Sure, she feels better, but not even near good enough to casually hang out with Nico: she knows that in order to move on from... whatever _this_ is, she _does_ need to keep a bit of distance.

And so she does just that.

The weeks begin to pass, and Karolina stays true to her word. She doesn't _actively_ avoid Nico, because it isn't like they don't talk during lunches or joke during French and say hi to each other whenever their paths cross, but after a while, Nico quits inviting Karolina to places, parties and get-togethers, and Karolina stops telling Nico about her parents' drama. Their conversations become shorter, their topics get more vague, and as a month rolls into two, Karolina's heart only gets heavier.

She survives the awkwardness of Thanksgiving and then the painfulness of Christmas, and she celebrates New Years' Eve with her friends – she gravitates more towards Julie and her clique, and throughout the whole night, she makes sure to avoid even coming near Nico, in fear of doing something she'd regret later.

She's done with that game.

_(Or, at least, she so desperately wants to be.)_

Nico probably catches onto it, because she doesn't attempt to go near Karolina either – but when they go back to school in January, Nico's smile is just as sweet for her as it's always been, and they don't hesitate to indulge in light conversation about their Winter breaks during lunch. They stay on safe territory, not mentioning Karolina's family situation or the New Years' Eve party, mostly sticking to jokes, because that's _easy_. It is easy for them to make the other laugh, it always has been. 

In February comes Karolina's 17th birthday, which she celebrates with only Tandy and Chase, intentionally not even considering throwing any sort of party. However, in March for her own birthday, Nico does.

Truth be told, it doesn't come as a surprise. Nico likes parties, and she also has more friends than Karolina does. Nico delivers the news at lunch, and everybody cheers excluding her, which Nico doesn't notice – she is too busy typing away on her phone, sending out invitations to their schoolmates. As the bell signals the end of lunch break, it is not even a question that they are all going, and Karolina can't come up with an excuse not to – as she makes her way to her next class, she realizes with a startle that she actually doesn't even _want_ to come up with one.

//

That week, Karolina arrives to French before Nico, and the lesson is almost starting by the time Nico finally shuffles through the door. She sits quickly and puts her leather jacket on the back of her chair, sending Karolina a small smile as she does so – Karolina's entire face flushes from that, for some weird _fucking_ reason.

Mrs. Tuba has already started the lesson when Karolina hears Nico murmur; "You're coming on Friday, right?"

Karolina chances a glance at her, but Nico isn't looking her way; her gaze is firmly fixed on their teacher.

"Um, yeah," Karolina whispers after a moment. "Why, is that a problem?" 

Nico's gaze quickly snaps to her at that, but she soon catches Karolina's teasing grin; she gives her a weak shove in the arm, chuckling. "Idiot."

Mrs. Tuba tells them to shut up after that, but Karolina's smile doesn't lessen for another minute or two. She might be screwing herself over with this – she _has_ avoided going to parties or any sort of gatherings Nico attended these past four and a half months, but it's not like she can do this forever. 

And it's also not like she wants to. Which she _might_ regret later, with good chance, but.

_(She's never been good at resisting Nico.)_

//

On Friday, Karolina spends most of her afternoon getting ready: shaving, showering, plucking her brows, washing her hair, _curling_ her hair, then doing her makeup for like one and a half hours. She can't for the life of her manage to draw her eyeliner, and she has to wash off her whole eyeshadow at least fifteen times, and it is more out of desperation than anything when she suddenly grabs her phone and fires off a text to Nico: _'How the fuck do you do perfect eyeliner all the time?'_

She half-regrets it once it's sent, but she shrugs it off after a second – she is so done with being scared and reserved around Nico all the time, she genuinely doesn't think she can do it anymore.

Nico's reply soon comes; _'It's not that hard lol'_

Karolina quickly types back. _'You have no idea.'_

_'Come over a bit earlier and I'll do it for u.'_

Karolina freezes for a moment. Her immediate thought is _no way_ , but then her mind fills with images of Nico's face close to her own face, her warm breath hitting her mouth and her soft, delicate hands touching her cheek, and her fingers type back on their own accord: _'Is 8 good?'_

It's read immediately; _'Sure.'_

Karolina then realizes she only has two more hours until then, so she springs to her feet and runs to find clothes.

//

Only once she is sat in her mother's car does Karolina realize that she is about to spend at least about half an hour with Nico, one-on-one, in Nico's bedroom, in Nico's house that she has never been to. She also hasn't really been talking to Nico for the past several months, and it's this train of thought that sends her into a squirming, sweating mess by the time her mom parks the car in front of the Minoru's house.

Leslie is rambling on about how to watch her drinks and all that as Karolina gets out on shaking legs, but she is too busy trying to calm her heartbeat to properly listen. She says her goodbyes and makes her way in front of the massive gates. Nico's home is basically a mansion, and as she presses a button that she can only hope is the bell, the smaller gate to her right immediately clicks open.

She walks through, makes her way towards the front door, but Nico swings it open before she could get there. Karolina's pulse escalates at the sight of her: she is clearly already in her party-attire, with a black, mid-thigh dress and her hair perfectly straightened. 

"Hey," Karolina says when she is close enough, and Nico steps to the side to let her in.

"Hey. You're right on time."

"Yep." Karolina looks around the big home while Nico shuts the front door behind her, then Nico begins her way up the stairs, motioning for Karolina to follow.

Karolina does wordlessly. It gets awkward pretty much immediately, because they are halfway up the giant fucking stairs by the time Nico speaks again. 

"So what kind of eyeliner d'you have?"

Karolina exhales. "Liquid. Is that good?"

"I like liquid more, but it's harder to apply than the pencil type." They reach upstairs, then, and Karolina follows Nico into her room – it's spacey, there is a queen-sized bed in the middle, and the walls are painted light gray. Nico nudges her with an arm, a small grin on her face. "But don't worry, I gotchu'."

"Well you better, 'cause I didn't come here half an hour early to leave with a shitty eyeline," Karolina shoots back, and this is the simplest, most natural thing in the world – joking around, having a laugh as if they've been doing this forever.

(In Karolina's heart, the ache is still there; it probably always will be, she thinks in that moment, but she finds that she doesn't mind anymore.)

_(Because being Nico's friend will always be easier than being her nothing.)_

"Trust me," Nico says, smile big and honest, "I won't disappoint."

Nico sits on the bed and begins rummaging through a bag that Karolina assumes stores her makeup, so Karolina uses that time to look around a bit. Nico's room is quite large, definitely bigger than Karolina's. It is surprisingly simple, too – there are no posters on her walls or any sort of gothic drapes on her windows, and it isn't that Karolina thought Nico lived in some sort of Victorian-styled vampire shack, but then she also kind of did, to be completely honest. Instead, gray and white colors balance out the room perfectly, with the outside lamps' lights shining in through the large windows.

"Oh, I brought mine, by the way," Karolina suddenly remembers, and makes her way to Nico sitting on the bed. On the wall next to it, there is a picture collage – Karolina only lingers for a moment to look at it, but she sees that they're mostly of Nico, Gert, Molly and Amy, and one picture with Ty. She sits in front of Nico and reaches for her bag resting on the bed.

"Is it okay if I use mine, though? I'm more used to it."

"Oh, okay," Karolina shrugs, and watches Nico finally pull out the eyeliner from the makeup bag. She then tosses it to the side, flips the hair out of her eyes, and looks at Karolina. "Come closer."

Karolina does as she's told, shuffling over on the bed until their knees almost touch. 

"So what kind of line do you want?"

"Oh, I don't know," Karolina frowns. "Just... a regular?"

Nico snorts. "Okay but how thick, do you want a wing, how long do you want it to be...?"

"God," Karolina rolls her eyes at her, and they both let out a chuckle. "It's whatever. Just—Well, not as thick as yours usually are, but—"

"What, you got a problem with mine or something?" Nico asks in an offended tone, but the teasing is there in her eyes. 

"No, it's just that I'm not a _witch_ ," Karolina teases back, causes Nico to let out a laugh. Karolina's insides feel like they want to melt at the sound. 

"So _now_ you believe I'm a witch?"

"No fucking way."

Nico gives her an eyeroll, making Karolina chuckle. "Alright, shut up now and come here."

Karolina obeys, tucks her hair behind her ears and closes her eyes. Nico leans over, then, and their knees press against each other – it is Karolina's instinctive reaction to withdraw her leg a little, and Nico immediately notices – Karolina knows, because she feels her freeze. It only lasts a split second though, and then Nico is putting her hands on her face and bringing the eyeliner to her lid. 

They fall silent. Karolina tries to keep her breaths steady, but Nico's familiar, yet still intoxicating perfume in her nose makes it quite difficult, as it suddenly has her heart beating wildly against the cages of her ribs. She wracks her brain for something to fill the air between them.

"You're close with your sister?" 

It is such a random, weird-sounding question, Karolina internally cringes. It wouldn't be strange in any other situation, but in theirs, it is; Nico has asked about Karolina's parents a few times after they had their talk after French all those months ago, but Karolina stopped feeling comfortable speaking about it with her. It wasn't because she all of a sudden couldn't trust Nico anymore, no, it was just that Karolina wanted to literally detach herself from her in all ways possible, and that included not sharing super personal information about her family life. 

And now, here she is, hypocritically asking about Nico's family.

"Yeah," Nico answers easily, voice quiet as it flows in the narrow space between them. "We're like, best friends most of the time. Other times, we hate each other, it depends on the day I guess."

"Right," Karolina murmurs, smiling. She chances to open the eye Nico isn't currently working on, and Nico's parted lips come into her view. She finds herself fascinated almost instantly. 

"I bet it's boring as hell, being an only child?" Nico continues, and Karolina thinks for a moment.

"Mm, no, I wouldn't say it's boring," Karolina draws out. She contemplates on whether or not to say what's on her mind, but Nico stays quiet as if she knows there is more, so she does. "It's just shit when there's drama and there's no one to turn to."

Nico exhales a small _'oh'_ under her breath, and Karolina feels her arms tense up. She withdraws, Karolina looks up, but Nico is already reaching to the other side of her face. Karolina's eyes shutter closed once more.

After a long silence, Nico clears her throat, then says very softly; "Sorry, you don't—we don't have to talk about that, but. You can turn to me, by the way. That is, if you—if you felt comfortable, I mean. But, yeah..." she trails off, and the way she says all of this is so _awkward_ , Karolina feels blood rush to her own cheeks in secondhand-embarrassment. 

"Yeah, I know," Karolina manages to utter. "It's just..."

There's a beat of stillness, then Nico hurries to say, "Yeah, I know. I mean—I noticed you... you started to, like, not really speak about your parents with me?" Nico stutters, and there's a strange high pitch in her voice, which lets Karolina know she, too, is embarrassed – so Karolina doesn't understand why she won't just _drop it._ "And, I mean, I understand and everything I just don't want you to not do it because you think you can't anymore, because you can, if you'd want to."

Nico's fingers are still skillfully drawing on Karolina's eyelid, and Karolina is grateful to whoever is up there that her eyes are forced shut, because she feels _mortified_. She feels guilty but also uncomfortable, and she has no idea what is inspiring Nico right now to say these things.

And Karolina _knows_ this. She _knows_ she could turn to Nico if she wanted to, because Nico has shown she cares about her – but no matter how much Karolina tries to ignore it, she doesn't care about her the way Karolina _wants_ her to, and she never will. She can't allow Nico closer than this: a friend who does her makeup, a friend to have a laugh with, sure – but for her own sake, she _cannot_ let Nico become more, a closer friend, because she couldn't handle it.

She can just barely handle this, too.

"I know," she eventually breathes out, and it is true – and yet, it doesn't change anything.

Nico releases a gush of air. "Okay, then." She then pulls back from her, and Karolina opens her eyes. "You're done, I think."

"Is it good?"

"Of course it's good, I did it."

"Oh, shut up," Karolina chuckles. "D'you have a mirror?"

"Yeah." She takes it out of her makeup bag to hand it over and Karolina brings it up, only to see the most perfectly fitting eyeline she has ever seen on her face so far. "Wow, dude. That's perfect, thanks."

"Do you like it?" Nico still asks.

"Yes," Karolina snorts out. "Not too thick, either," she adds as teasing, and Nico's eyeroll is instant, but so is her smile.

"Yeah well, since you so kindly warned me." Just as she says that, a weird-sounding bell rings out in the house. Nico huffs a little before standing. "Sorry, that's probably Gert. I told her to come later but she never fucking listens."

With that, she is out the door, and Karolina is left alone in the room. Not wanting to sit there awkwardly when they walk in, she stands to take a better look at the pictures on Nico's wall – Gert and Nico are on most of them, but Molly appears on quite a few, as well. Molly has been hanging out with the group for a while now – she started high school this year, so Gert sometimes allows her to tag along lately. 

Karolina's heard from the others, she wouldn't know; it's been a good while since she last hung out with the group when Nico was present. Today's going to be the first time in months.

A text notification rings out in the room, and Karolina steps back to the bed to grab her phone off of it. It is text from Alex, saying _"Just wait till you see the amazing ass present I got for you"_ with a winky-face emoji, and Karolina realizes this isn't her phone one second too late.

She drops it back on the bed like it burns, and collapses down next to it. Blowing out a deep breath through her nose, she allows the dull throb of pain to hit her right in the chest, before squeezing her eyes closed and beginning to shut it out. She soon hears footsteps coming nearer to the door, so she grabs her own, completely identical iPhone from the bed to seem like she's just been scrolling on it this whole time.

She _really_ hates herself sometimes.

Gert greets her with a friendly hey, which Karolina returns with as much heart as she can muster. From then on, it is mostly the two girls' conversation that fills the room, because Karolina finds herself way too lost in her head to participate. Both Gert and Nico attempt to include her, which works, but only for a few minutes before Karolina is shutting down again. In her mind, she keeps telling herself to stop being so _fucking_ _stupid_ and suck it up already – it really, _really_ isn't like Nico can't have a thing with Alex. _If_ they are having a thing. If they aren't, and just flirting around or something, that is also none of Karolina's business. She accepted this situation the moment she decided to stay in touch with Nico – because losing Nico would hurt a thousand times more than seeing her with somebody else, with Alex. 

Or so she tells herself.

It doesn't take much longer for people to start arriving; the excitement on Nico's face is obvious as she runs down the stairs to let people in, and Karolina is more than happy to hear Tandy and Chase's voices downstairs. They then move to the living room, Nico brings out the alcohol, and time begins to fly after that. Alex arrives an hour or so later, and Karolina only notices because he walks up to Nico and envelopes her in a tight hug – when they pull apart, Karolina can't help but think Nico's face looks a bit distraught.

She doesn't let herself stare at them too long, instead stands to pour herself another shot.

In short, Nico's place is filled with people. Apparently, Nico has got many more friends than Karolina thought, because kids Karolina doesn't even recognize keep going up to her and wishing her a happy birthday. Karolina is properly tipsy by the time the clock starts nearing midnight, but she doesn't forget to walk up to the speakers and bring the volume down when there is only one minute left. All heads turn to her, and she yells with a big, probably drunk grin on her face: "There's one minute 'till midnight!"

Cheers and whistles erupt in the room, and Nico just shakes her head with a loud laugh. She looks at Karolina with something sparkling, something tender in her gaze, but Karolina doesn't linger on it and hurries to find the happy birthday song on the laptop. As it begins filling the room, people start yelling the lyrics, then Chase, Alex and Ty run over to Nico and pick her up to throw her in the air.

Nico's shriek is immediate, but her laugh follows soon after.

//

Karolina is having a good time. 

She's been dancing with her friends for probably hours now, and with her feet aching, she finally manages to drag Tandy to the couch. They both groan as they sit, then they laugh, then it turns into hysterically giggling at nothing at all – they are way drunker than Karolina ever thought she'd get at this party, but she doesn't mind.

Chase, Ty, Gert and Alex are right behind them, and they too find themselves a place on Nico's couch – it is full of people already, but Chase doesn't for a moment hesitate to spread himself across Karolina, Tandy and Gert's laps, and Ty also doesn't hesitate to squeeze himself between Karolina and some guy she doesn't know. They are snickering, Chase is yelling about wanting something to drink, and Alex is already heading to the kitchen to find booze.

Karolina _loves_ this.

She hasn't really hung out with her friends in months, and she can tell that they feel it too – she can tell by the way Chase and Tandy are both literally attached to her side all night, she can tell by the way Alex intentionally keeps using his goofy dance moves to make her laugh – it feels good, it makes her feel loved, and she only now notices how much she's missed them.

And she misses Nico, too.

She is standing all the way across the room, chatting with some of their other classmates. She is busy tonight, considering everybody is here for her and whatnot, but Karolina genuinely just wants her _here_ already. She's changed out of her dress, and is instead wearing pants and a black tube top – it leaves part of her tummy, her shoulders and her chest uncovered, and Karolina wonders if her skin is as soft to the touch as it looks. She's got a thick choker around her neck and a few necklaces, and Karolina doesn't realize she is staring until Nico's eyes snap to hers like they are magnets. Her cheeks run hot in embarrassment.

But she can't look away. 

Nico can't seem to, either, for a long moment – Karolina can see that a girl is still talking to her, but Nico, as if she isn't even hearing her, starts her way over. It makes Karolina automatically smile, and Nico also automatically returns it – and that just makes the breath catch in Karolina's lungs, because Nico's smile is the most incredible thing she's seen awhile.

When Nico arrives in front of them, she looks at the pile of mess they are making and bursts into laughter. "What's going on here?"

"What do you mean?" Chase yells at her, still sprawled over their laps, making everybody laugh.

"Come sit, birthday girl," Gert tells her friend with a head tilt to her right. Nico obeys, saunters over to Gert's side and flops down next to her. They begin talking about something Karolina doesn't hear, but then only a few minutes later, Chase rolls off of them and starts dragging Gert to dance, who grips Tandy's hand and yanks her along.

Karolina is left sitting between Ty and Nico, and her heart is already beating out of her chest.

Nico is leaned back against the couch, all cool and casual. Karolina crosses her legs and hears Ty begin to say something – but somehow, Nico chooses that exact moment to scoot closer to her, and she cannot listen to a word out of his mouth.

Nico leans forward, rests her elbows on her knees, looks at Karolina with a hardly-there smile. Her scent hits Karolina instantly, asudden making her feel a bit drunker than a moment ago.

Which is a feeling she knows all too well by now. _God._

With a head bob, Karolina asks; "What's up?"

Nico's smile widens. "Nothing," she shrugs nonchalantly. "You having fun?" She asks with an eyebrow-jump, and she is _so_ attractive Karolina can barely breathe.

"Oh, yeah," Karolina grins. "Biggest party of the year, for sure—"

"Oh shut up," Nico bumps their shoulders together with a chuckle. "I'm being serious."

Karolina narrows her eyes for a second. "Yeah, I am. Why?"

"I don't know," Nico shrugs, drops her gaze to her fidgeting hands – Karolina follows it, watches her play with the dozen strange-looking bracelets she has on her wrist. "You haven't hung out in a while."

Karolina swallows. Nico's eyes come back up, alert and big. "I—Yeah. I know. But this is fun, so."

Nico nods, seemingly relieved. "Okay, then. D'you want a drink?"

Karolina stills, her heartbeat stutters – just the thought of drinking with Nico puts her in some sort of post-traumatic state, and she just knows saying yes would be the stupidest idea right now; she is not about to throw these past four and half months' progress out the window. So she opens her mouth to reject her, but the voice of Alex cuts in.

"Where did Chase go?" 

He flops down on the couch next to Nico, and Nico turns to him, tells him that he is dancing with the others. She goes to turn back to Karolina, but then he asks when to give her his present, and Nico is all of a sudden shy and giggling, wholly interested, and Karolina feels her blood boil.

She stands without a word. She sees Nico's head instantly turn to her from the corner of her eye, but she isn't looking, isn't listening – Nico is saying her name, maybe asking where she is going, but she uncaringly takes off in the direction of Tandy and the others.

She is so, _so_ done with feeling like this. Ruined and suffocated and barely hanging on to her sanity.

She wraps her arms around Tandy from behind once she is close enough, basks in the comfort her friend elicits – Tandy doesn't notice anything, only turns around and begins telling her about how Chase slipped and fell a minute ago.

Karolina laughs, but it is bittersweet.

//

Karolina dances with her friends, sits on the couch with her friends, drinks with them and eats with them, and during all this, Alex and Nico are absolutely nowhere to be seen. Karolina does her best to forget about them, but she finds herself gravitating towards Julie by the end of the night. She can't decide whether her interest in her is genuine, or just a projection caused by Nico's shown jealousy at Ty's all those months ago, but.

She doesn't allow herself to ponder this for long.

Instead, she lets herself get lost in Julie's baby blue eyes and broad smile, makes herself included in the jokes and stories she so enthusiastically tells. And Julie is fun; Karolina could see herself liking her, maybe even starting something with her, if Julie ever wanted that. Maybe. 

Maybe in some other universe, where Karolina wasn't so hopelessly hung up on somebody else.

She is outside on the patio with Julie and her friends, and way too many people that Karolina doesn't really know are talking at once. The only thing she can focus on Julie's hand in her own, which she can't even remember how came to happen, and the only reason she really notices is because she catches Nico walk outside from the corner of her eye.

She doesn't look.

It takes all of her willpower, but she doesn't want Nico to think she is always just waiting around for her, until she is done with Alex and comes back for Karolina's company. And deep down, Karolina _knows_ she isn't being fair – Nico has _every_ right to be with Alex, or with whoever she wants, because Karolina is _just a friend_ , but it aches in ways it shouldn't, not after all this time.

She feels, and also sees Nico looking at her in her peripheral vision. She only realizes she is gripping at Julie's hand when Julie looks at her in question, and Karolina rushes out an apology and weakens her hold. She doesn't notice Nico has started walking over until she is already standing next to them.

"K—Karolina, hey," Nico's voice rings out, and it is Karolina's impulsive reaction to tear her hand out of Julie's hold. Nico's eyes are unfocused, her makeup is a little smudged, and she is wobbly on her feet – it takes Karolina less than a second to determine that she is drunk. "Can I—Uhh... Can I steal her for a sec?" She directs it to Julie, who isn't even really noticing Nico, more engrossed in her friends' conversation. She nods with a 'yeah, yeah,' but Nico isn't looking at her anymore, gaze boring into Karolina instead.

Karolina is furiously blushing when she steps away from Julie's side and toward Nico. Nico is wearing quite a gloomy expression, and Karolina wonders for a moment if she is feeling sick. Instead of saying anything, Nico just motions with her head for her to follow, and begins walking away.

Karolina follows, because what else could she do.

Nico leads her to the patio door. It is made out of glass, and as Karolina looks inside, she sees Gert and Chase making out by the wall. She quickly looks at Nico, but she is a bit too drunk to notice it, so she touches a hand to her arm and points towards them – when Nico sees it, she grimaces with a loud 'ew.'

Karolina chuckles. "What, they're kinda' cute actually."

"No they are not," Nico objects with a scowl. She halts by the wall next to the door, leans against it, and blows out a loud breath.

Karolina then remembers that she hasn't seen Nico all night, along with Alex, and she looks at her smeared lipstick and slightly fuzzy hair and feels bile collect at her throat.

_(God. When will this stop hurting so much?)_

"I leave Gert alone for a minute and she's already doing that," Nico slurs.

Karolina drops her gaze to her shoe _s._ She wants to say something like _'it's probably been more than a minute,'_ or something like _'weren't you just doing the same thing?_ ' or maybe something like _'please,_ please _stop breaking me already,'_ but instead, she twists her trembling hands into each other and shifts on her feet.

After a short pause, Nico asks; "What is it?" and her tone somehow manages to sound like a mix of alarmed and exhausted.

"Nothing," Karolina swiftly says, chin lowered. She begins working out an excuse to leave, the sudden urge to put distance between them overwhelming her. There is a long, uncomfortable silence before Nico speaks again.

"God, fucking— _fuck_ ," she exclaims, all breathy and exasperated. Karolina's gaze snaps to her, startled, and Nico is pressing at her temple with her fingers and squeezing her eyes shut. "I fucking hate this."

Karolina's brows come into a frown. "What?"

Nico's gaze finds hers, and there is something so raw and sharp in them, it makes Karolina's heart beat more erratically.

"I just..." Nico trails off, seemingly not finding the words, and Karolina holds her breath. "I _hate_ when you're like this."

Karolina diverts her gaze, mumbles; "What'd you mean?"

"That!" Nico jerks a hand towards her, voice louder by the second. "I can't—I don't understand why you get like that."

Karolina's eyes flicker upwards with a sigh, "Nico..."

"What?" Nico shoots back. Karolina remains quiet. Nico blows out another exhausted-sounding breath, but this time, it comes out shaky. "You just—You've been like this for months now, and you just keep pulling away and I don't... I don't know what to do because you—"

"Nico," Karolina cuts in, tenderness squeezing at her heart as Nico's eyes well up with tears. Nico is way too drunk to be talking about this right now, that's clear – but her body betrays her sincerity.

Nico runs a jittery hand through her hair, "I just hate when you're like this. It makes me go _fucking_ crazy because I don't know what to do."

"Nico, please don't cry," Karolina breathes out, because every single muscle in her body is aching to be closer, to touch, to comfort.

And it only has the opposite effect. "How—how can you ask me that?" Nico chokes out, a tear finally escaping. "It drives me crazy, Karolina, and it's been months and I'm just—I'm—I don't—"

"Hey," Karolina cuts in, loud and clear, shutting Nico up. Nico exhales, drops her head, presses both of her hands to her face. "Calm down, okay? It's okay."

"It's not," Nico mumbles, and she is fully crying. 

Karolina couldn't stop herself even if she wanted to, then, to move into Nico's space, and she doesn't even try to. There is an unbearable weight pushing on her chest as she attempts to pry Nico's hands from her face, and Nico surprisingly easily allows her. Karolina grips her small hands in her own, searches for Nico's gaze until she finds it; Nico's makeup is completely ruined, her eyes are red and shining with unshed tears, and there is an actual brokenness in them that causes a fresh wave of guilt to punch Karolina in the face.

Everything feels shaking as Karolina unhesitatingly brings Nico into a fierce embrace. Nico's arms fly around Karolina's waist instinctively, and Karolina feels her suck in a shivering breath in order to stop crying.

"Please don't cry," Karolina can't help but murmur, bury her fingers in Nico's hair, squeeze tightly at her shoulders.

When Nico speaks, Karolina's heart drops to the pit of her stomach; "I'm so scared of losing you." It is merely whispered into Karolina's neck, and there is music blaring just a few meters away from them, but Karolina hears it crystal clear. 

  
"Fuck," is all she can utter in reply.

Nico pulls back after a lengthy moment, but Karolina keeps her hands on her shoulders. Nico is blinking rapidly, as if she just got dizzy, and Karolina waits for her to regain her focus. She's stopped crying, thankfully, but her statement hangs heavy and dark between them.

Karolina can't respond to it. Couldn't without bursting into tears herself.

So, instead she just asks; "Alright?"

Nico nods, snuffles. As she gazes up at Karolina, Karolina can't help but feel like Nico is looking at her right now like she literally put the moon and stars on the sky, and it makes her reflexively backtrack a little. When she lets go of Nico's shoulders, Nico almost loses her balance, but quickly leans back against the wall for support. 

Karolina recognizes she needs to say something, something in response to everything Nico just told her: and she knows she will, because it would _break_ her to leave Nico hanging like this. Even if she is drunk, even if she probably won't even properly remember this tomorrow.

"I’m—"

"It's gonna be okay," they speak at the same time, but Nico instantly quiets. Karolina maintains the eye-contact, brings her hands into fists at her sides, and wills herself to only promise something she can keep. "We'll be okay."

"You think?" Nico asks weakly.

Karolina gives a big nod. "I know."

Nico stares into her eyes, and a smile finally, _finally_ slips onto her pretty face. "Okay."

//

When Karolina wakes up the following afternoon, she stays in bed for an extra two hours, just reliving the night's events over and over in her head.

She never, not in a million fucking years would've guessed that Nico was this wound up about her behavior these past months. Sure, Karolina knew she cared for her somewhat after she apologized to her tearfully after French, but she had no idea Nico was still currently feeling like this.

She is still hurt. She is hurt every day because of Karolina, because Karolina just avoids her, brushes her off, pushes her away, progressively further and further as the weeks pass. And Karolina truly is a self-centered, inconsiderate _asshole_ , because the only thing she cares about is how she, herself, is upset because Nico dares to flirt with Alex sometimes.

As if it's literally _any_ of Karolina's damned business.

_God._ She _genuinely_ hates herself at times.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all for the kind reviews. i had the first 4 chapters written before i started posting and i'm now writing chapter 6, but just a heads up that updates might get a little less frequent after i post chapter 5. but i'll try to not make you guys wait too long!! in the meantime, you can find me and tell me what u think, or what you'd like to see later in the story on tumblr @normanikorrdei


	5. Chapter 5

After Nico's confession at her birthday party, Karolina becomes more careful: she starts to make sure to laugh a little more around Nico, to give her more of her attention when she is talking to her, to properly return her jokes or teasing remarks – it has the desired effect, it seems, with the way Nico's eyes completely light up in surprise when Karolina initiates a conversation with her during lunch, for the first time in several, several months.

The whole week, Karolina tries to be more open, more forgiving – no matter how much the thought of Nico and Alex hurt, no matter how much she keeps overthinking about where they might've disappeared to at Nico's birthday party – she does her best to forget all about it, and give Nico her most honest smile.

On Thursday, Karolina arrives to French after Nico. Nico is sitting at their desk with her legs crossed, elbows on the desk, busy with her phone. Half of her hair is let down, the other half is up in some sort of very complicated looking braid, and it looks nice – she looks nice, she looks put-together, she looks like the prettiest girl Karolina's seen all day.

Her hands tremble as she occupies the empty seat, and Nico's gaze swiftly flicks to her.

"Hey."

"Hey," Nico returns, tone cool and smooth, just like everything else about her.

  
"You got homework?" Karolina asks as she gets her French book out of her bag.

Nico wordlessly leans down for her own book, hands it over to Karolina. 

"Thanks." 

Students begin filling up the classroom as Karolina finds the tasks and starts completing them. She can see from the corner of her eye that Nico is scrolling on Instagram, and she doesn't seem to be in a talking mood today. Karolina doesn't mind: she's learned that Nico is not necessarily much of a loquacious person, and that she has days when she just simply doesn't feel like chatting. 

"By the way, what's up with Julie?"

Karolina’s whole body freezes. It is such a random, out-of-place question, that for a heavy, lingering, moment she doesn't even know how to begin to reply to it.

She looks up from the books, but Nico's eyes are still glued to her phone. When they eventually move over, her eyes are stoic, utterly unreadable, and Karolina squeezes her pen into a fist.

"What'd you mean?" She asks, quiet and unsure.

Nico diverts her gaze for a moment, and when she brings it back, it appears harder than before. 

"Just... I've seen you around with her, is all. I just wondered if you were..." 

She leaves it at that, but Karolina quirks her brows in question. "What?"

Nico's eyes flit around for a moment, clearly getting uncomfortable, but her voice remains secure as she says; "If you were with her."

Karolina inhales, listens to her pulse begin to pound loud and harsh in her ears. She fixes her gaze on the desk for a few seconds, clears her throat frustratedly.

"No," she looks back at Nico. Nico's eyes are colossal, jumping, searching – searching for lies, Karolina realizes abruptly. "We're friends. Why?"

Nico stays silent for a moment. Karolina maintains the eye-contact, and in the end, it is Nico who breaks it. "Just curious," she replies with a shrug, an ungenuine smile sliding to her face. "Do you need help with that?" She nods towards the French homework, and Karolina has to bite her lip to hold back any more words.

"Sure."

//

It is a couple of weeks later that Karolina finds out that her mother has been cheating on her father for the past eight or so years.

It's one of those things that you never expect, yet when it becomes real, you get hit with the feeling like this is something you've known from the beginning. Deep down, Karolina knows she has – but it doesn't make it hurt any less.

And as pathetic as it is, she cries and screams at her mother from the top of her lungs, because even though she isn't a child any more and it's been months since they separated, the anger flares inside her chest like a forest fire, untamed and scorching hot; Leslie listens without a single word, and Karolina doesn't know if it's because she doesn't want to fight, or because she knows Karolina's words are true.

Karolina hopes to God it is the latter, because her father _never_ deserved this.

//

She skips school for the first half of the week. On Wednesday when she is heading out the door, her mother quickly slips her an excuse note to bring to her teacher. Tandy and Chase greet her at the school gate, envelope her in tight hugs but thankfully don't say or ask anything about her parents; Karolina is so grateful for that, she nearly starts crying. But she holds herself together, gets through classes with her mind elsewhere. At lunch, she walks into the cafeteria with Tandy, Chase and Alex, and follows them to the table that's already occupied by Ty, Gert and Nico.

Greetings ring out, Karolina forces herself to smile, sits opposite from Nico, next to Chase. Chatter and laughter fill their table soon enough; Gert begins babbling about the two-day field trip they have to go on next week, but Karolina quits listening halfway through. She attempts typing out a text to her father but she's got no idea what to say – no idea what words could ever make this any better for him, especially coming from _her_. From her, who has _always_ chosen her mother over him, who has done nothing but consistently take her side instead of his throughout the years.

She's staring at the letters on the screen when a single fingertip taps against the back of her hand – her gaze flits up, meets Nico's curious eyes, and something flutters in her chest.

"You okay?" Nico murmurs, so quiet nobody else notices.

Karolina gives a small nod. Nico bobs her head in question, like asking 'what's up,’ but Karolina just flickers her eyes around in response. Nico seems to understand the 'not now' she is trying to convey with it, because she doesn't ask any further. As Karolina tunes back into the conversation, she finds she is actually a little excited about the field trip; at least she'll get to get out of the house and not be stuck with her mother for two days. 

A few minutes later the bell is ringing, and Karolina hurries to her feet – in her mind, she doesn't want to acknowledge that she is basically running out of the cafeteria to avoid Nico's questions, but her subconscious knows it is true; because she can't let Nico close. 

Not yet, maybe not ever again.

//

She calls her father later that day. While she rushes out apologies and curses at her mother and sobs into the phone, her father listens with care and just tells her that it's all okay.

But it doesn't feel that way.

//

The morning of the trip, Karolina awakes with a sort of stir in her chest, but she doesn't understand its cause and doesn't put much thought into it – she doesn't know what it is that makes her almost jiggle in her skin as she runs down the stairs and gets into Chase's car, but the feeling doesn't go away even when they've arrived in front of the school and are getting on the rented buses.

They arrive to their destination almost four hours later. The main programs are museum tours; since they are divided by classes, Karolina spends the whole day with Tandy, Chase and Alex, and only sees the others when they are being dropped off in front of the hotel. Even then, it is only for a fleeting moment, as they are soon instructed to go occupy their rooms. She's sharing a room with Tandy, and as they are walking inside Tandy abruptly turns to her and says; "By the way, Julie's rooming with us, too. Her friend Stacy or whatever got sick this morning, so their teacher told her to find roommates and I offered."

Karolina sends her an odd look. "For real?"

"Yeah," Tandy nods, unbothered, dropping her suitcase beside one of the twin-sized beds. "You don't mind, do you?"

"I mean, no..." Karolina muses. "But where is she gonna sleep?"

"I dunno," Tandy shrugs, already biting back a grin. Karolina is rolling her eyes even before she gets to say; "I just figured you wouldn't mind sharing a bed with her, since you know, she's like, _in love_ with y—"

A knock rings out loud, and Julie's cheery voice yells from outside; "Let me in, guys! I got lost!"

Karolina flops down on her bed with a sigh.

//

Even though the time is nearing 8 o'clock, Karolina changes into jeans and a shirt after taking a much-needed shower. They’ve had a few field trips before – their school is big on making their families pay ridiculous amounts of money, only to then spend it on useless school events. If she’s learned anything, it’s that there won't be much sleeping involved tonight, if it's up to her class. She's proven right when her phone dings with a text from Chase, telling her to come down to the lounge.

So as Tandy goes to take her own shower, Karolina quickly changes her shirt to a less casual top; she leaves the jeans, but rummages through her suitcase for the only pair of high heels she owns. She is in the middle of curling her hair when Tandy walks out of the bathroom, and although she does give Karolina a confused look, she thankfully doesn't say a word.

As they begin their way down the elevator, that nervous stir is back in Karolina's chest: she doesn't have time to ponder on it for long, because Tandy is soon grabbing her hand and dragging her into the hotel's lounge, where about half of their class is already present.

Karolina's very first instinct is to look for Nico with her eyes.

She doesn't find her, so she follows Tandy to the guys; Chase, Alex and Ty are sitting in the corner with some of their other schoolmates, laughing and eating some snacks, and as Karolina wedges herself between Chase and Tandy, her two best friends in the entire world, she decides to have fun.

//

She does not succeed. 

About an hour or so later, Alex has disappeared somewhere, Chase is crying on the couch about God knows what, Tandy and Ty are obnoxiously flirting next to her, and Julie is attached to her side.

She stares at the text message she sent Nico over 40 minutes ago, and it remains unanswered, unread. Looking around, she can see that majority of Nico's classmates are here as well, and she doesn't understand what could possibly have Nico so busy in the middle of a class trip to not even look at her phone right now. 

The only parallel she can draw is that Alex is gone and Nico is nowhere to be seen, and as one hour turns into two, she ends up nearing some sort of anxiety attack and brushing unshed tears from the corners of her eyes. Her mind gets swamped with thoughts of her parents, of the absolute heartbreak and betrayal her mother has caused both her father and herself – and she just can’t understand why people keep hurting each other, why it is so easy to tear entire families apart, why people keep choosing others even when the only thing _you_ want is them, but Nico never seems to want to choose Karolina.

Never seems to _want_ Karolina.

Her chest soon starts to feel too tight for her heart, her throat closes up, and as she listens to Julie ramble on about something Karolina genuinely couldn't care less about, she finds herself rising from the couch with a 'sorry' and rushing towards the elevator.

When the doors slide closed behind her, she lets the tears fall; her brain can't get rid of the images of Nico with Alex, of him pulling her close, of her kissing him the way she used to kiss Karolina – just that thought alone nearly sends her into hyperventilation, and she knocks against the wall twice on the hallway trying to get inside their room.

She arrives, with much luck. Without any more restrain, she collapses on her bed and cries her heart out.

//

A text notification jolts her awake. The light is still on in the room, her heels are still on her feet, and Tandy and Julie are still absent. Reaching for her phone, she first sees that the time is 11:10 PM, then her heart leaps to her throat when she reads Nico's name on the screen. 

_'Sorry, I didn't see you texted. Where r u?'_

The roll of Karolina's eyes is instant. Annoyance fills her at the realization that Nico is, again, back to doing the same thing she's been doing since forever: getting bored of Alex, then coming running to Karolina as if nothing ever happened. 

Karolina _hates_ her for doing this.

_'It's whatever now,'_ she types back, unclasps her heels and finally kicks them off. She is about to stand to search for her pajamas when her phone dings again.

_'Can we talk?'_

Karolina's stomach twists into a nervous knot. She quickly stands to take a look at herself in the mirror: her makeup is smeared all over her face, her mascara left tearstains on her cheeks – she looks exactly like she feels inside.

As much as she really, really _doesn't_ want to give Nico the satisfaction, she is also suddenly feeling sick with worry. So, she hurries to the bathroom, cleans herself up a bit, then fires off a response; _'I'm in 12B.'_

It is instantly read, so Karolina unlocks the door, then sits on the bed with her back against the headboard. That weird, fluttery feeling is back in her ribcage, breathing and throbbing like it is alive, and Karolina can't for the life of her understand why every single hair on her body stands from anticipation, why her skin prickles all over just because she knows Nico is on her way to her.

She busies herself with her phone to seem occupied – in only a minute or so, a gentle knock sounds out from the door, and Karolina makes sure her tone is wholly monotone when she calls out; "It's open."

Nico steps inside. She is soft as she closes the door behind herself, and she is soft as she murmurs a quiet "hi" into the room.

Only then does Karolina look up from her phone. She echoes back a hi, watches Nico perch herself on her bed, facing her. She is in sweats and a baggy shirt, her hair is up in a loose ponytail – it is probably the first time that Karolina sees her without any makeup since like seventh grade, and it has her completely losing her breath.

Nico then looks at her, with those pretty, _pretty_ eyes and face of hers, and Karolina nearly lets out a gasp.

"Have you been sleeping?" Nico asks, brows furrowing.

"A bit," Karolina admits. "Have you?" At that, Nico drops her gaze, and Karolina's stomach plummets.

"No, no. Sorry I didn't see your text, I wasn't checking my phone." 

Karolina nods. It feels like the oxygen is progressively draining out of the room, and Karolina has to strain herself to not pass out from it. When Nico realizes she isn't answering, her eyes begin flickering around, her hands rub against each other – Karolina catches onto her nervousness instantly.

"Um... I wanted to—I wanted to talk to you."

At the distinctive tremble in her voice, Karolina's own panic begins to rise. "What about?" She asks, remaining aloof.

Nico blows out a big, loud rush of air through her nose. Her eyes dart upwards to the ceiling as she does so, and Karolina watches as she begins nervously picking at her nails.

Karolina frowns. "Is something wrong?" 

"No, no," Nico assures with a shake of her head, wholly unconvincing. "Nothing's... _wrong_."

"Then what is it?" Karolina prods.

Nico exhales another large breath. "Okay. I uh... I—I have to talk to you about something."

Karolina's heart bolts. "Yeah?" 

Nico isn't meeting her eyes, instead staring at her chin, and Karolina now truly feels close to passing out.

"But I don't really know how to.. how to voice it, I guess."

Karolina waits a few seconds, tries to give Nico time, but even after an uncomfortably long silence passes, Nico doesn't speak. "Nico," Karolina murmurs, to which Nico's gaze finds hers; Karolina has never seen this type of anxiety in Nico's eyes before, and it makes Karolina’s hands curl into fists in her lap. Nico's entire body looks like it is vibrating, and Karolina tries to focus on her nails digging into her flesh, on the soft humming of somebodies talking outside the door.

"Okay..." Nico mumbles, after what feels like literal ages, and Karolina gives her an oddly intense nod, to encourage her to talk. Nico looks paler than a ghost, her lip is almost bleeding from her teeth, and the constant, violent shake in her fingers is staggeringly visible. "So... Gert told me something earlier, something that made me... like, think about things... and I—I've been meaning to talk to you about this for a—"

And in that one, precise and exact moment, the door bursts open and slams against the wall behind it so forcefully, the bang makes Nico literally jump up from the bed.

The intruder couldn't be, simply _couldn't be,_ maybe only in some other life, _anyone_ other than Julie.

"Oops," she chuckles, oblivious and loud, and Karolina has to actively force her mouth shut to not yell something at her. "Sorry, I thought it was gonna be locked," Julie explains, shakes the keys in her hands.

"Oh, I didn't realize..." Nico begins to stammer, turning to Karolina but not meeting her eyes, and suddenly her pale cheeks turn a deep shade of crimson. "Sorry, I didn't want to intrude. I—I'll just..." her voice wobbles like she is about to be sick, and Karolina's brows jump to her forehead. 

"Nico," Karolina tries, but Nico goes on.

"I just—I didn't realize you were..." she trails off, as if the rest is too sacred to speak out loud or something, and Karolina's stomach clenches into a painful knot. When Nico's absolutely _defeated_ eyes flit up to meet her own, she reflexively lurches forward in her seat.

"Nico, what's wrong?"

"I'll just go, sorry." With that, she makes a move towards the door, but she is soon stopped.

"Nico, what the fuck?" Karolina exclaims in union with Julie, who says; "No it's okay, I'll go." Karolina looks over at her, and she is already backing out the door. "I'll just... come back later, yeah?" She is smiling, but Karolina can tell that she’s utterly confused. "In like, an hour or something."

"Wait, you don't need to—" Nico begins to say, but Julie cuts in.

"No, it's alright."

The door falls shut with a light thud. A beat of silence follows, which Karolina hurries to break; "Please sit back and tell me what's up. You're kinda' scaring me now."

"So you're just friends?" Nico blurts out, abruptly cold and stoic.

Karolina stills. "What?"

"I thought you weren't together," Nico says, and Karolina narrows her eyes in complete confusion; her pulse picks up pace, she feels it pound loud and insistent in her neck while she stares at Nico's accusing expression and bloody, downturned lips.

"We aren't," Karolina states slowly, clearly. 

Nico nods. "Right."

Karolina shifts on the bed, and is left completely speechless for a moment or two. "We aren't," she repeats after a pause.

"Really?" Nico questions, unnervingly calm and collected – but her eyes do flash with something dangerous, with something that steals the breath from Karolina's lungs. "And where is she sleeping, then? With Tandy?"

Karolina stares at her. "What the fuck does this have to do with anything?" Heat unexpectedly spikes at the back of her eyes – the anger that's been burning inside of her breaks free, and she barely spits out her next words; "Where are _you_ sleeping tonight?"

Nico frowns at that. "What?"

"Where have you been?" Karolina demands, with a surge of boldness. "I texted you _three_ hours ago."

"Why are you asking like that?" Nico shoots back, asudden annoyed.

"Because how are you fucking— _berating_ me for sharing a room with her when you disappear with him for hours? Seriously, Nico, you don't see how—"

"With who?"

"Oh you _know_ who."

Nico's mouth falls agape.

"Do you think I just came here after like, having sex with _Alex_ for three hours?!"

Karolina halts. Hearing Nico say it out loud, it does sound a bit strange – but this entire field trip feels exactly like Nico's birthday felt a few weeks ago, with Nico vanishing alongside Alex for majority of a night, and Karolina isn't _stupid_. 

"Kinda', yeah."

Nico heaves, either in frustration or disbelief, Karolina doesn't know. "Karolina—"

"You can't exactly blame me. You keep disappearing with him whenever we hang out, and really, you don't need to come running to me when you get bored of him, you know? I texted you because I needed you, I wanted to talk to you, but you couldn't come then, but when it's convenient for _you_ , however, you—"

" _Karolina_ ," Nico interrupts, looks pointedly into Karolina's eyes. "There is _nothing_ between me and Alex."

Karolina falters. 

"Nothing at all," Nico repeats, and the very air itself stills around them, every single bit of noise drains straight out of the room and leaves absolute lull in its place. "Hasn't been for a long while."

The words sound like they echo as Nico says them, and Karolina wills herself to believe that this is real, that she isn't dreaming. 

"I was with Gert because she and Chase had a—a fight or whatever, I don't know. I was comforting her, I don't even—I haven't even seen Alex all evening."

Karolina listens, manages to take that in, and doesn't even try to hide the single tear falling on her cheek.

Nico drops down on the bed, leans forward to rest her elbows on her knees – she buries her face in her hands for a moment, and Karolina stares at a vein straining in her neck, focuses on keeping her breaths steady. The silence that stretches over them becomes so eerily deafening, it feels like the walls are trying to cave in on them, and Karolina is hit with an overwhelming urge to flee.

For the first time ever in her life, she resists.

Instead, she attempts to grip all of the courage she has within herself, and shatters the quiet; "Sorry..." she begins but can't finish that, not sure how to articulate an apology for something like this; but she feels the need to say _something_ , because the last time she lashed out about Alex, it ruined basically everything between them. "I—I'm sorry, I shouldn't have..."

Nico is already shaking her head, "No, no, it's okay. I... I started it." Karolina gives a confused look, which Nico doesn't see because her face is still buried in her palms - she looks up at the lack of response, and Karolina _aches_ because of how beautiful she is. "With—with Julie... I lashed out at you, I mean."

"Oh," Karolina murmurs. She senses the dangerous territory they are nearing, and is about to redirect the conversation to whatever Nico has been trying to tell her for like fifteen minutes now, but Nico silences her.

"What was it that you wanted to talk to me about? When you texted."

Karolina lets out a sigh, sniffles. "It doesn't matter now."

"Of course it does," Nico presses, soft but insistent.

Karolina bites her lip, stays silent for a moment. 

"Talk to me. Please," Nico murmurs, causes Karolina to snap her gaze up to her; Nico's eyes show absolute desperation, and Karolina nearly gasps from the throb her heart does at the sight of it.

And it is then that Karolina realizes just how _much_ she actually wants to talk to Nico; because Karolina is constantly pushing everyone around her away – her mother, her dad, Tandy and Chase, Nico – she's been pushing Nico away for months now, and ironically enough, it is her that Karolina needs the most.

So Karolina opens her mouth to reply, to start it off somehow, but she chokes on a sob and falls back against the headboard of the bed. Her hands come up to bury her face in them, and she soon hears the rustle of Nico moving over – there is an arm wrapping around her shoulders, there is a body pressing into her front, and it is impossible, it is literally unexplainable, the way the warmth of her has Karolina's heartbeat instantly quietening, has her own body instinctively inching closer.

Nico welcomes it, wraps her up in a proper embrace – Karolina can't do anything else besides press her wet face into Nico's neck and begin to shake with sobs, to which Nico only hold her tighter.

It is minutes later that Karolina pulls back – when she does, Nico is already pushing a pair of tissues into her hand. Karolina nods in thanks, but quietly cleans herself up. It is once she is blowing her nose that she notices Nico’s arm wound around her waist, and it makes her freeze for a moment – it feels natural, almost, yet so staggeringly out-of-place, that Karolina can’t help but go rigid underneath it.

Nico immediately notices and lets go.

Once finished, Karolina drops the tissues on the nightstand, and Nico gently cuts into the silence between them; "Do you want to talk about it?"

At the clear uncertainty in her tone, Karolina’s gaze flits to look at her. When she sees the absolutely raw worry in Nico’s eyes, her heart begins to hammer against the confines of her chest.

Karolina sucks in a breath. She contemplates what to say for only a moment, then impulsively blurts out; “My mom’s been cheating on my dad for 8 years.”

Nico’s whole face morphs into an expression of genuine pity.

“Fuck, Karolina,” she breathes out. “I’m sorry.”

"Yeah," Karolina nods, all teary and weak, but she pushes through because she aches to finally speak about this with someone... well, with Nico. "She told me last week, and I can't—I can't get over it. How could she do that to..." she trails off, swallows down a fresh wave of tears. "I don't understand how I didn't see it."

"Hey, you couldn't have known."

"But how couldn't I?" Karolina whines, lower lip quivering. "And I always took my mom's side, always. And I don't even know why I did that! She—she like, manipulated me or something, all my life, to take her side no matter what. And each time I fell for it."

"It's not your fault," Nico cuts in. "You couldn't have known."

"My dad doesn't deserve this."

"I know."

"He was always so good to her, he doesn't deserve this..."

"I know," Nico assures, tone soothing. "A lot of the times people don't deserve the shit that other people do to them, but they do it anyway. It just... happens." Karolina almost blurts out 'tell me about it,' at that, but swallows it down. "You're through the worst part, at least. You've already got used to them not being together, to him living somewhere else."

"I know," Karolina sniffs. "I just... hate that she did this to him. And for 8 fucking years, Nico. That's disgusting."

"It is," Nico nods. "I'm sorry."

"Ugh," Karolina exhales. "Whatever."

"No, I mean I..." Nico stutters, all of a sudden shyer. "Sorry I didn't see your text."

"It's fine," Karolina says, voice hoarse from crying. "Gert needed you."

"Yeah," Nico mumbles, fixes her gaze on her fidgeting hands – she is so close, Karolina realizes suddenly, that she can clearly see her eyelashes flutter against her cheek as she blinks back up at her, and it sends shudders to Karolina's spine. "But so did you."

Karolina smiles. "Well, yeah, but it's—"

The ringing of a phone cuts Karolina's sentence off. It is Karolina's, and when she sees Tandy's name flashing across the screen, concern instantly spikes at her chest – when it comes to her stupid, idiotic friends, her brain always thinks of the worst.

"What is it?" She answers quickly, feels Nico's eyes bore into her.

_"Karolina, where the fuck are you? I've been looking for you for like an hour now,"_ Tandy half-yells into the phone, words slurred, and Karolina can't stop the roll of her eyes. 

"I'm up in the room."

_"Are you with Julie or something?_ " Tandy asks, loud and annoying, and Nico must hear her, because her gaze instantly drops from Karolina's, brows knitting into a frown.

Karolina flinches.

"No," she replies. "I was asleep. Where are you guys?"

_"We're in front of the hotel,"_ Tandy continues to yell. _"You've got about, 10 minutes to get ready because we're sneaking out."_

"What?"

_"We're sneaking out. Oh, and is Nico with you?"_ At that, Nico looks back up. _"Gert was looking for her like an hour ago, but now she's eating Chase's face so I don't know about that..."_

"Oh God," Karolina chuckles. "I don't think I'm going, Tandy. I'm tired and I'm not really... in the mood to sneak out right now."

_"Don't do that,"_ Tandy whines. _"I don't wanna go if you don't."_

"Well, you shouldn't. You could get caught."

_"We never get caught."_

"We only snuck out once, last year. And even then it wasn't this late."

In that moment, the door bursts open, and Tandy stands there with her phone pressed to her ear. Nico turns to look at the intruder, and Karolina lets out a laugh.

"Seriously?"

Tandy strolls into the room. "Nico, help me out here."

"With... what, exactly?"

"We're sneaking out."

Karolina sighs. "Tandy, I'm really not feeling up to—"

"Karolina," Tandy cuts her off, sits down between the two of them on the bed and grips Karolina's hand. "I know you're feeling like shit because of your mom. But sitting in the hotel room, overthinking it all night won't make you feel better. Let's just... go out with the others, have fun, and you can forget about it for a little while. It'll only be a few hours, two or three at most. Okay?"

Karolina looks at Nico over Tandy's shoulder. Nico is staring expectantly at her, and Karolina tries to figure out what kind of answer she is expecting – then the thought of being all alone with Nico in this hotel runs through her mind, and panic crashes into her.

"Okay," she blurts out finally, and watches Nico's eyes flutter away in what seems like disappointment – Karolina's stomach drops. Tandy is already squealing from joy, however, so she doesn't think about it, doesn't read into it, and asks from her friend: "Where are we even going?"

Tandy grins. "Put your high heels back on, girl, because we're going clubbing."

//

They meet the 15 or so others in front of the hotel. As Alex begins leading the group down the street, Karolina allows the past hour's events to catch up to her; she notices with quite a startle that it doesn't hurt that much to think about her parents right now, and she supposes she can only thank that to Nico: talking about it with her helped, it put some of the pressure off her chest, maybe more than Karolina would've expected.

In only about 10 minutes, Alex is already stopping their crowd and telling everyone to be quiet because he has to make a phone call. As it turns out, a relative of his owns the club he's led them to, and Karolina looks up to realize they are standing in front of a massive door that is lit up by neon lights, with two bouncers standing on each side.

A tall man in a suit walks up to Alex after a while, and soon they are being ushered inside with warnings to 'be careful and look out for each other.' Nobody really listens to him, but Karolina does hear it when he tells Alex: "Don't even try buying alcohol, though. And do not do anything stupid, none of you, because I'll call your mother and tell her you..."

Karolina doesn't hear the rest of it as she is next in line. Stepping through the door, the humid air of the club immediately surrounds them, and Karolina is hit with the realization that she's never been even in a similar place like this before. It sends a thrill through her; turning to look at Tandy, Tandy's grinning face shows the same emotions. As she begins dragging Karolina towards the dance floor, Karolina takes a second to search for Nico with her eyes – she can only chance a glance, but for the first time in several, several months, it doesn't ache to look at her.

//

Karolina jumps around with Tandy, dances with Chase, laughs at Alex's silly moves with a light heart and an honest smile. When Ty appears, Karolina is shocked to see Tandy casually turn to him and press a kiss on his lips, and as she shares a look of utter disbelief with Chase, they both burst into laughter – Tandy whacks them both in the stomach, but there is a blush on her cheeks and an enormous smile on her face.

It is very abrupt, and probably about an hour of dancing with her friends later that Karolina feels the familiar warmth of a presence behind her. Her intuition is proven right when a hand touches her side in an attempt to turn her around; she obeys, comes face to face with Nico's serious, yet sparkling brown eyes – and Karolina's heartbeat swiftly quickens.

Nico leans up to yell in her ear, and Karolina meets her in the middle; "How are you feeling?"

Karolina's stomach flutters at the question. "I'm okay," she half-yells back. "It was good to talk about it."

Nico's lips pull into a smile. "You can talk to me whenever, I already told you."

"I know," Karolina drops her gaze. They haven't stopped dancing, but the crowd of people around them keep pushing them closer to each other, and it has Karolina just barely focusing on her next words.

"I've been looking for you guys for like an hour now."

"Really?"

"Yeah," Nico nods, chuckles. "We've been fighting through the crowd with Gert since forever. It was pretty embarrassing..."

"Oh God," Karolina grins. "People must've _loved_ getting shoved around by a pair of seventeen-year-olds."

"Right," Nico laughs out loud. "Especially since I have a baby face, as you so kindly like to remind me."

Karolina good-heartedly rolls her eyes at the comment. "Well, you do, though." Nico rolls her own eyes right back in response. "It's not as bad as it used to be, though!"

"What's that supposed to mean?!"

"I just mean like—" Karolina giggles, "I mean, like, most of it disappeared, you know?"

Nico arches her brows at her. "Oh, did it now?"

"Alright leave me alone."

Nico laughs, but does as she's told and doesn't reply – instead, she reaches for Karolina's wrist to pull her a little closer. Karolina at first tenses at the touch, but she quickly follows Nico's movements and tries dancing to the beat – it is quite difficult, what with Nico's dangerous proximity and maddening scent.

As they dance, Karolina can hear her friends' distinctive voices getting lost in the pumping of the music, she can feel Chase's arm occasionally brush against hers from behind – she listens to Tandy's laughter and remembers that first party Gert invited them to last summer. It was only 8 or so months ago, but it feels like a lifetime has passed – and yet, looking at the lights flicker across Nico's skin as she dances, just like they did in Gert's house, where everything started, Karolina feels exactly the same: breathless and head-over-heels.

She doesn't know if Nico reads her face, in that moment, and sees that Karolina is thinking about kissing her, or what else causes her to saunter closer. She doesn't meet Karolina's gaze as she does so, just steps close enough for their fronts to almost brush against each other, and for the first time in months, it isn't Karolina's instinctive reaction to pull back – it is actually the exact opposite. 

She resists, however, the almost aching urge to push herself completely up against Nico and take any and all that Nico is willing to give to her – because as much as she wants that, she also knows this game all too well by now.

Nico isn't hers to take – has never been, probably never will be.

But that stir in her chest that she felt earlier today is back again, and as Nico wraps an arm around her waist to lock their hips together, Karolina's got no idea what to do with it. She instead focuses on Nico's movements, tries to match her own to them, and allows the music to drown out every worrying thing clouding her mind right now.

It only works for ten or so minutes, though – when Nico drifts close enough to press her face into Karolina's neck, Karolina's pulse skyrockets, right along with her panic.

She probably tenses up, because Nico immediately pulls back to look at her. 

"You okay?" She asks, and Karolina can only read her lips from the loud music. She swallows, nods wordlessly. With Nico's arm around her waist, Karolina can already hardly think straight, however when Nico's other hand comes to rest on her hip, she nearly dissolves under her touch. 

Sucking in a breath, she attempts to compose herself. _Nico is a friend._ Friends dance like this with each other – Karolina dances with Tandy like this all the time. But as that thought occurs to her, she realizes she's actually never seen Nico dance in this way with Gert, or with anybody else.

When her gaze refocuses on Nico's, Nico's eyes have this searching, questioning look in them, and they are perfectly stuck on Karolina's face, that similar gleam Karolina has seen in them ever-present. Karolina's lips part to ask 'what is it,' but Nico's gaze abruptly flutters down to Karolina's mouth.

And Karolina freezes.

Nico follows suit, halts the dancing and gives her a stare loaded with something Karolina can't for the life of her decipher. They stand there motionlessly for a long, heavy moment. Karolina scans Nico's face, brows taut and stomach twisted, but Nico's eyes show no answers.

They then flit back down to Karolina's mouth, and Karolina jerks back like she got stung.

"Sorry," Nico is saying, with bated breath and desperate eyes, her hold around Karolina tightening – but Karolina can't think, can't comprehend this situation in any other way than _Nico is trying to play me again._

"Nico," Karolina finds herself panting into the small space between them, but she doesn't struggle against Nico's arms. 

"Hey, look at me," Nico commands, soft but audible despite the music. Karolina complies, allows the eye-contact – and her chest nearly bursts from whatever it is that she sees in Nico's eyes: it glows and it burns, burns with something Karolina could never fully understand but can feel in her own heart, always scorching and alive. "It's okay," Nico says, and Karolina's brows knit into a frown.

Annoyance flares in her chest.

"What is?"

"All of it," Nico replies, sure and unwavering, and Karolina stares at her like she lost her entire mind. Nico's gaze just flickers back to her mouth, and Karolina jolts away once again.

"No," she breathes out, and she doesn't know if Nico hears, but this time, she does attempt to escape her hold – again, Nico doesn't allow it, and again, Karolina stops the struggle immediately. 

(Because it feels _so good_ to be held by her, there is a constant war in Karolina's mind whether to pull away, or push in closer.)

"What is it?" Nico rushes out. "Karolina—"

"Nico I can't do this," Karolina admits, and she only notices she is on the verge of tears when her voice comes out hoarse. "I can't—I can't do this.” Nico gives her a strange look, and Karolina is all of a sudden filled to the brim with fear, and she just wants all of this to _end_. She doesn't want to hurt any more, she doesn't _want_ this – she never wanted to be _this_ to Nico.

"I'm sorry," Nico quickly says, "I'm sorry, I didn't—"

"No you're not," Karolina shakes her head, feels a tear on her cheek, but neither of them react to it – Nico stands so shocked, like she hasn't got the slightest idea of what Karolina is on about, and it only fuels Karolina's anger. "You're not because if you were, you wouldn't be doing this again. I can't..." she trails off, swallows down a sob – and Nico's arm is still wrapped tightly around her waist. "I can't do this with you, not again."

"Me neither," Nico says, abrupt and loud.

Karolina stares at her. 

At her lack of response, Nico goes on; "I don't want to do this with you either."

"Then why are you?" Karolina exclaims, both exhausted and exasperated at once.

"I'm not! Karolina." Karolina pauses at the steel in Nico's tone, which can be heard even over the loud music. "I'm not trying to do that, please listen to me." Her eyes are fiery in a way Karolina's never really seen them before, and it causes her to lose her breath for a moment. Nico's hand then reaches up to brush a tear from her cheek, and Karolina's whole face flushes under her gentle touch.

Nico stares relentlessly, and for the first time maybe ever since Karolina's known her, her expression is completely open; for the first time, there are no restrains or barriers as she allows Karolina to see the plainly visible care, the absolutely genuine _want_ in her eyes, and suddenly, all of this feels like a dream Karolina never wants to wake up from. 

It comes as some sort of impulse, then, to simply surge forward and kiss her.

Nico responds without hesitation; her arm pulls Karolina in tighter, and with her mouth, she instantly has Karolina losing all sense of control.

Karolina noticed before that Nico kisses with her whole body, and even though it's been months since they last did this, the familiarity of it immediately comes rushing back: the urgency in Nico's hands on her, the way her soft, _soft_ lips feel like they want to take all that Karolina is willing to give to her – and this time, she is willing to give it all, Karolina thinks.

That is why she soon finds herself probing at Nico's lower lip, searching for entrance with her tongue – when Nico gives it to her, both of Karolina's hands fly up from Nico's shoulder to cradle Nico's face, and if Nico moans, it is only its vibrations Karolina notices. Karolina's heartbeat is so loud, it almost shuts out the blaring music, but the constantly moving bodies around them don't let Karolina forget where they are – that is what, after a short while, motivates her to separate their lips.

It takes Nico a few seconds to open her eyes, and when she does, they seem thoroughly dazed; for a moment, it spikes panic in Karolina's chest.

"Have you drunk today?" She blurts out, and Nico promptly shakes her head.

"No," she assures. "Not even a little bit."

"Okay," Karolina sighs out in relief, but Nico probably doesn't hear it; she is still staring at Karolina with that openly desperate expression, and Karolina's heart is soaring. "Me either."

The corners of Nico's lips twitch into a smile. "Okay," she mouths, and Karolina is breathless, because with her eyes glowing and lips kiss-bruised, Nico looks like something out of an illusion. Nico's gaze then begins to flicker between Karolina's eyes and mouth, and Karolina waits, her fingers curl into Nico's hair, and soon they are kissing again.

//

It is hours later that a hand on Karolina's arm disentangles her from Nico. It's Ty, with slightly panicked eyes explaining that they need to head back right now or else they're going to get caught.

Once outside, Karolina lets the chilly air of the early morning sober her up, get her back to her senses. Nico is right there next to her, yet now that they are not wrapped in each other's arms, she feels awfully distant and Karolina, for a moment, doesn't know what to do with that feeling. Nico saves her from it soon enough, because as Karolina halts her steps a few meters away from the club, Nico's hand is sliding into her own and interlocking their fingers.

Karolina nearly heaves out loud when it happens; the last time she held somebody's hand like this was at Nico's party, with Julie, and the difference is staggering. The reality is, she never thought she would ever get to hold _Nico's_ hand like this, out of everybody – it all suddenly feels so unreal yet so much like something that is _right_ , that the only thing Karolina can think of to do is stand there silently and bask in its warmth.

But then a phone goes off, and Nico tears her hand away to answer it. In that moment, Tandy and Ty exit through the club's door, and it is then that Karolina remembers that she's been making out with Nico in front of all of their friends for the past two hours.

It has her cheeks burning red from embarrassment.

Tandy is grinning from ear to ear as they walk up to them, and as much as Karolina wants to, she cannot hold back the laugh bubbling up her throat; Tandy joins her, wraps her up in a silly hug, and says quietly in her ear; "That was pretty hot in there, I'm not gonna lie."

Karolina hits her in the arm with a belly laugh. "Don't even start."

"Why?" Tandy giggles, then grows a little more serious. "But I really hope you know what you're doing."

Karolina's stomach drops.

"I don't want to see you hurt again."

"Well fuck," Karolina lets out a humorless chuckle, "me either. But no, I can't say I know what I'm doing, not really..."

Tandy sends her a pointed look. "Karolina..."

"She's not drunk," Karolina whispers. "And I—I told her I couldn't keep doing this with her, and she said she doesn't want to either."

"So this is different?" 

Karolina halts, but settles on; "I think so."

Tandy eyes her for a moment longer, but just nods. "Alright. And you know I can kick her butt if she hurts you again, that's not a probl—"

"Tandy stop," Karolina interrupts, but she is smiling, because she knows Tandy means it. 

"Gert said that we should get going, because they're still standing in line to the toilet," Nico announces as she steps back to them.

"Well yeah," Tandy says, "It's almost four in the morning."

"But should we leave them?" Ty asks.

Nico shrugs. "She said we should. And I don't wanna get caught."

"Me either," Tandy agrees. "Let's go, then?"

"Okay," Karolina says and begins to follow after Tandy and Ty. Nico doesn't reach for her hand this time, but she does fall into steps next to Karolina. They are silent for majority of the way back to the hotel, only Ty and Tandy's quiet conversation fills the air. They are almost in front of the hotel when Nico speaks; “I’m exhausted.”

Karolina releases a breath of a sigh, chest lighter by the second. "Me too."

"My feet literally want to fall off."

"Same," Karolina draws out. "These high heels were the worst idea I've ever had in my life."

"Oh God," Nico chuckles, head turning to look at Karolina's shoes. "And its heels are thin, too. Those are the worst."

"Tell me about it. I can't even feel them anymore, really. They could be cut off and I wouldn't know a thing."

"Shit," Nico laughs at that, short but honest. "Do you want to, like, switch?"

Karolina looks over at her with raised eyebrows. "Switch shoes with you?"

"Yeah," Nico shrugs, gaze fixed in front of her, but Karolina can make out the pinkness on her cheek even in the dim lights of the street. "I mean, mine are pretty high too, but boots are more comfortable. I don't know your shoe size, though..."

"It's okay," Karolina cuts in with a snortle. "We're almost there anyway, but thanks."

Once again, they fall quiet. Nico isn't much of a chatty person in general, but she does talk more when she interacts with Karolina than when she interacts with anybody else – Karolina noticed this pretty early on, when their 'friendship' first started developing and their friend groups started mingling. The reason behind this is that regardless of the fact that Karolina herself _is_ actually quite a chatty person, when it comes to Nico, she has always struggled with her words. Because ever since she can remember, she's always been an awkward, flustered idiot whenever the time came to interact with her, and it's always been Nico who was forced to take charge of their conversations.

It seems that hasn't changed much.

They arrive back to the hotel, quietly sneak into the elevator. Ty gets off on the boys' floor, and when it stops on Karolina and Tandy's, all three of them step out, even though Nico's class is presumably on a higher floor. So Karolina locks her gaze on Tandy, and Tandy swiftly understands and walks off with a silent wave into their room.

Once they are alone, Karolina turns to face Nico, and she is surprised to find nervousness in Nico's eyes.

"You okay?" She murmurs without thinking, and Nico is quick to nod.

"Yeah, I'm okay," she murmurs back, but her voice trembles.

After a moment of silence, Karolina tries; "Did you want to come in our room for a bit? I mean, I don't know if Julie's inside or if she's sleeping, but—"

“No, no,” Nico shakes her head, but doesn’t elaborate any further, so Karolina waits – she tilts her head to the side in question, her eyes narrow confusedly; Nico just stares back with a completely unreadable expression for a moment, before suddenly dropping her gaze – it is then that it clicks in Karolina's head.

"Oh, I'm not going to sleep with her, by the way," Karolina declares, way too loud and flimsy – she instantly grimaces at her own self. "I mean, next to her. I’ll crash with Tandy.”

Nico’s eyes widen at that, but they also seem relieved when she nods with a quiet “Okay.” Then the elevator next to them begins moving downwards, so Nico says; "I guess the others are back."

"Yeah."

"I better go before Gert gets excited that I'm not sleeping in the room and drags Chase in there."

"Oh God," Karolina chuckles, "you better hurry."

"Right," Nico says, smiles, clears her throat, and shoves her hands in her jacket's pocket. "So... I'll see you in a few hours?" She asks, and a shiver runs through Karolina from the excited feeling that hits her. 

"Yeah," she croaks out, face flushed. The elevator comes to a stop and Nico begins backing away towards it, so Karolina says, "Sleep tight, Nico."

"You too." 

The elevator doors open and Nico disappears behind them, but not before sending Karolina a barely-there, but sweet smile – Karolina doesn't want to admit it even to her own self, but the sight of it makes every single bone in her body tremble.

As Karolina enters the room, Tandy is sitting on Karolina's bed in her pajamas, blanket pulled up to her waist, and Karolina hasn't even shut the door before she is demanding; "Come lay down right now and tell me every fucking thing that just happened between you two, because _what the fuck?_ "

Karolina can only laugh, and do as she is told.


	6. Chapter 6

Karolina wakes up panic-ridden.

The voice of their supervising teacher rings outside the hotel room's door, waking students up with commands to 'Be down in the lounge by 9:00.' Karolina's eyes haven't even opened yet, but her brain is already reliving the events of last night and her heart is already hammering in her ribcage.

Finding her phone on the nightstand, she sees that they only have 40 minutes before nine, so she hurries to wake Tandy and Julie and get them moving.

While she showers, puts on makeup and packs her stuff up, she does her best to divert her thoughts from last night, but as time continues to pass and bring her closer to seeing Nico again, she can't fight the increasing anxiety settling in her chest.

As they wait for the elevator, Karolina prays to every god she knows for Nico not to be inside it when its doors slide open. Thankfully she isn't, and as they arrive downstairs and walk inside the lounge, Karolina is both relieved and disappointed to see only the boys standing amongst their schoolmates.

They walk over to them with greetings, and a weird atmosphere instantly falls over the group; Karolina realizes she is the sole cause of it in under five seconds, and soon feels her cheeks tint red at the reminder that people did, in fact, see them make out last night, possibly including Alex.

Chase begins babbling about some video game he's been playing, and Karolina blows out a breath through her nose; it's not like she did anything wrong. She didn't do anything wrong, so she doesn’t understand why looking at Alex causes waves of guilt to wash over her right now.

She is in proper panic mode when Nico's familiar perfume disturbs the air around her – her soft, yet all the more overwhelming presence has all of Karolina’s limbs feeling like jelly, every inch of her skin prickling because she is _near._

Gert and Nico say their good mornings, which Karolina quickly returns in union with the others. She keeps her gaze on her shoes for another moment or two, because the panic that engulfs her is nearly paralyzing: just the simple thought of Nico acting like nothing happened between them is enough to send Karolina close to tears, but her real fear is the words Nico could hurt her with right now. Because every time something happened between them, it got messed up the next day, and the last time Nico shut her down, it broke Karolina in a way she thought she'd never recover from.

(And she hasn't, really, not in any way or form.)

She raises her gaze after a moment’s hesitation, and Nico instantly notices – her head turns to look at Karolina, and when their eyes meet, Karolina's stomach violently flips.

Nico gives her that all-consuming, glowing stare she has, and Karolina can only take it in and try not to cry.

As if she's just read her mind, Nico takes a half-step closer and quietly asks; "What's up?"

"Hey," Karolina repeats a greeting, asudden breathless and red-faced. She studies Nico's expression but struggles to figure out what she is thinking, how she is feeling, if she regrets anything that happened last night – not even really last night, because they only parted about four hours ago, yet Karolina can't help but worry that Nico's mindset changed. Karolina almost forgets to answer the question; "Nothing, just... tired," she lies, just to avoid seeming too short-spoken or rude.

Nico gives a small nod, but her eyes stay colossal on Karolina's face. "Did you guys sleep?"

"Yeah, a few hours," Karolina says, hates how weak her voice sounds and hates the way her ears burn under Nico's inquisitive gaze. "Didn't you?"

Nico lets out a gentle scoff, "Not really, maybe about two hours at most. Gert couldn't sleep so she kept me up."

"How nice of her," Karolina murmurs, making Nico chuckle.

"Right." They fall silent, and Karolina's heartbeat begins to settle – if she's learned anything, however, it's that Nico being nice means _nothing_ – the heartbreak could come any minute, regardless. A soft touch to the back of her hand tears Karolina out of her thoughts; looking at Nico, she's still got that searching, almost concerned look in her eyes. "You okay?" She eventually asks, and even though Karolina's expected the question, it still makes her blush deepen.

"Yeah, I'm—yeah," she stutters out. "I'm fine."

A frown emerges between Nico's brows. "You sure?"

"Uhum."

Nico halts for a second, then asks barely above a whisper; "Did he say something to you?"

"Huh? No," Karolina shakes her head with a frown. "Of course not."

"Okay," Nico breathes, and it sounds like a sigh of relief.

"Why would he?"

"I don't know, he probably saw us..." Karolina's eyes narrow, but before she could reply, Nico goes on; "Then what is it?"

"Nothing," Karolina tries to sound convincing. "I'm fine."

Nico opens her mouth to respond, but their crowd begins moving towards the door. They follow their schoolmates outside, then Nico, Gert and Ty are forced to depart to their own class. They get on the rented buses and begin the four-hour-long journey home, and as anxious as Karolina still feels, she falls asleep in the first 10 minutes.

When she opens her eyes, their bus is just coming to a stop in front of their school; it takes both her and Tandy way too long to regain their senses and collect their things, and they are amongst the last few to stumble off of the bus. When Karolina's eyes adjust to the light outside, the first thing she sees is Nico's retreating form as she hurries to get into her mother's car waiting for her.

Karolina sighs – in disappointment or relief, she isn't sure.

//

On Monday, Karolina walks into school with a heavy heart.

After arriving home on Saturday, the rest of her day and Sunday went by in an agonizing slowness; without speaking a single word to her mother, Karolina felt more alone in her home than she's done in a long while, which _is_ something, because she's felt alone an awful lot. On Saturday, Leslie did try to ask about the field trip, but Karolina mutely walked away into her room, not even gracing her mother with a glance.

Leslie didn't try again after that.

But the primary cause of the heaviness in her heart is Nico's silence; it isn't that Karolina particularly _expected_ her to reach out, but it definitely would've helped ease some of the crushing anxiety Karolina feels every waking moment that she has, unable to shut out the voices in her head telling her that Nico _doesn't, cannot feel that way about her, not now and not ever in their lives._

It just seems way too good to be true.

Tandy bombards her with questions, but Karolina brushes her off with _'we'll see'_ and _'I don't know yet,'_ because she truly doesn't know anything at all, and she hates this feeling of absolute vulnerability that she's put in. She hates being this hung up on somebody who she can't figure out, on somebody who's distant and unreadable, yet warm and caring at the same time.

It messes with Karolina's head so much, she barely notices the first three classes flash by – the next thing she realizes, she is heading to P.E with Tandy on trembling legs.

She doesn't see Nico when they walk into the gym hall, and she allows Tandy to lead her to a bench. Just as they sit down, Karolina's head snaps up at the sound of Gert's laughter coming from the door; she is walking in with Nico, and Karolina's heart leaps to her throat.

Nico notices her straight away, and Karolina tries to read her stoic expression, tries to figure out if they're okay – Nico sends her a small nod, which Karolina returns hesitantly, but all of it feels horribly awkward and out-of-place. Karolina isn't sure, but it seems like Nico begins to step in her direction, however some classmates of theirs stop them to make conversation.

The teacher then walks in to start the lesson, and Karolina rises from the bench with an exhale of breath – she is getting eminently tired of the sick feeling devouring her stomach.

As they run their laps, Karolina watches Nico talk and laugh and bicker with Gert and Ty, and doesn't understand how Nico can appear so carefree while Karolina can barely get air into her lungs.

It is once they are back in the dressing rooms and Karolina is just putting on her shoes, when Tandy abruptly leans over and murmurs in her ear: "I think Nico wants to talk to you because she keeps looking at us, so I think I'll just go."

Karolina's heartbeat stutters. "Really?"

"Yeah. Is that alright?"

"Yeah, go," Karolina ushers. Tandy gives her a look that says something like 'good luck,' before grabbing her bag and leaving.

Karolina then takes her time properly tying her shoelaces and adjusting her jeans at the ankles – when there are barely a few girls left in the dressing room, Karolina watches Gert exit through the door, and it is only then that Nico actually walks over.

"Hey," her voice rings out, soft among the noise. Karolina echoes back a hi, straightens up in her seat to look at her. Nico's hair is up in a perfect bun and she is wearing sneakers today, so she doesn't stand much taller than Karolina sitting down. "How have you been?"

"Uhh, good. You?"

"Me too..." Nico draws out, gaze dropping; she is nervous, and it provokes unease in Karolina as well. She is already running it over in her head what she is going to reply to Nico when she tells Karolina that Saturday was just a joke, or a mistake, or just them _'being stupid,'_ as she's described it before. Nico then very abruptly steps in close and presses her legs against Karolina's knees – Karolina tries to hide her startle at the sudden contact. "I—I wanted to text you yesterday, but I didn't really... know what to say," Nico tells her quietly, only for Karolina to hear, and Karolina marvels at her words.

"Why?" She asks after a pause. Nico doesn't reply, but her gaze burns into Karolina with a kind of intensity that sends shivers down her spine, and the only thing she wants to do is kiss her. Instead, she says; "You could've texted anything."

Nico's eyes soften at the edges in relief. "I know," she murmurs, but does not sound convinced at all. "You were just—I don't know."

Karolina quirks her brows in question.

"You were weird in the morning, and I didn't want to..."

Karolina waits, but Nico doesn't finish. "You didn't want to what?"

"I didn't wanna overwhelm you or whatever. I don't know," Nico rushes out finally.

Karolina's lips curl into a smile; relief punches her in the chest with enough force to knock the air out of her, and the warmth that she knows but hasn't felt in way too long spreads across her – maybe she will be okay.

(Maybe this time, Nico will be more careful with her heart.)

"Well..." Karolina begins, inhales a deep breath, and tries to be brave. "I was waiting for you to text, so. You wouldn't have _overwhelmed_ me, actually the opposite..."

Nico's mouth creates a small 'Oh,' then she shifts on her feet and presses harder against Karolina's knees. "Okay, then. But you could've texted too, you know."

"I know," Karolina mumbles, but leaves it at that.

Nico retreats, then, and tilts her head towards the door. "We should get to class."

"Right," Karolina springs to her feet, only now realizing they're the only ones left in the room. She swings her backpack over her shoulder and moves towards the door, but even without looking she senses Nico's hesitation – she turns back to face her; "What?"

Nico releases a rush of air through her mouth. "I... I wanted to ask if you wanted to—like, hang out today. After school."

Karolina attempts to hide her surprise, she really does, but she knows it goes unsuccessful at the blush that quickly covers Nico's cheeks.

So she hurries to respond; "Sure. What were you thinking?"

"Oh, I don't know," Nico shrugs as if nonchalant, but Karolina knows it is a bluff. "We could go eat, or something," she halts, but Karolina waits because she can hear in her tone that there's more; "...or you could come over and we could order something, I don't know."

Karolina's brow jumps at that, but she ignores the wobble in her stomach and nods as confidently as she can muster. "Sounds good."

Nico's face smooths out. "Yeah?"

"Yeah," Karolina smiles, and nods towards the door. "Let's go now, or we'll be late."

Nico radiates as she smiles back. "Okay."

//

When lunch comes, Karolina walks into the cafeteria with Tandy, Chase and Alex; Alex still hasn't said a word to her about anything regarding Nico, and he acts so normal that it soon becomes obvious he didn't actually see them at the club.

Regardless, Karolina feels guilty.

As they walk over to the others, Karolina takes the seat opposite from Nico, and Alex flops down next to her; beside Nico sits Gert, and Karolina doesn't miss the glance the two of them share when she arrives. The conversation swiftly begins flowing around the table, and she laughs at Tandy's sarcastic remarks and Alex's nerdy jokes and enjoys the warmth Nico's gaze puts inside of her.

When the final lesson of the day ends, it is safe to say Karolina feels the kind of nervous that edges on sickening. Nico texted her earlier to meet by the school gates, and Karolina hurries to pack her stuff up and exit the building.

They meet halfway down the corridor, however, and Nico closes the distance between them with confident steps and a gentle smile. Karolina asudden feels silly at her own panicking since Nico seems to be perfectly calm, but she allows her to lead the way out of the school, then through the parking lot without a word.

When Nico comes to a halt by a black, expensive-looking car, Karolina's mouth falls open. "You have a _license_?"

"Uh, yeah?" Nico arches her brows, "Why do you say it like that?"

"I can't believe you have a license," Karolina asserts, gets in the passenger seat next to her.

"Why?" Nico snorts, but also looks a little offended.

"I don't know, it didn't even seem like a possibility in my head that you'd—"

"Okay now you're being a dick."

Karolina laughs. As Nico pulls onto the road, she asks genuinely; "Can you actually drive?"

"Oh my God," Nico exclaims, but she is grinning. "What do you think?!"

"I don't know, no?"

"Fuck you," Nico chuckles, and Karolina can't ignore how good she looks with the steer in her hands. "I'll have you know, I'm an excellent driver."

"I didn't even think your feet could reach the pedals."

"Karolina I am literally going to throw you out of my car if you don't shut up right this second."

"Wow," Karolina stifles a laugh, "You're a great host."

"Just wait 'till we get to my house."

"Ugh," Karolina widens her eyes in teasing. "Can't wait."

Nico sends her a pointed look, but there is a smile pulling at the corners of her mouth. Soon, they are turning onto Nico's street. Nico presses a remote in the car that opens the big gate, and she parks the car in their garage without any difficulty.

She _is_ actually a good driver, Karolina finds.

Exiting the car, Karolina follows Nico inside the house, and is relieved when Nico tells her that nobody is home. They go upstairs to Nico's room, and she shuts the door behind themselves with no hesitation – Karolina doesn't understand why, but the privacy makes her body abruptly run hot.

She tosses her jacket on Nico's bed.

The rays of the sun cover the room in brilliant light, and Karolina appreciates the homey atmosphere it has – she doesn't understand why it doesn't have a calming effect on her, though.

"Sit," Nico tells her as she herself flops down on the bed, leans her back against the headboard. Karolina obliges, tucks a foot beneath her butt and sits facing Nico. "So what do you want to eat?" Nico then asks, like this is the most natural thing in the world, and it has Karolina biting back a laugh for some reason.

"Whatever you want," Karolina eventually just shrugs.

"I was thinking pizza," Nico suggests, "I know this vegan place and it's great, Gert always orders from them."

Karolina's mouth stretches into a smile. "You don't need to eat vegan with me."

"Oh, it's okay," Nico waves her off, already reaching for her phone to find the menu. "I love vegan food."

They agree on a topping soon enough, and Nico swiftly places the order. When she hangs up the phone, a moment of silence settles over them, and Karolina's neck flushes because of it.

  
Nico thankfully shatters it; "Wanna watch a movie?"

//

Once the food has arrived, Nico has drawn in the curtains and positioned her laptop between them, she presses play on a horror movie that Karolina has never even heard of – truth be told, she isn't much of a horror fanatic in general, but when Nico asked if she was fine with watching it, Karolina didn't have the heart (or the courage) to tell her no.

So now, it is with a fast-pounding heart that she watches the intro begin, and she resists the urge to press pause already. Instead, she focuses on her slice of pizza, and on Nico eating quietly beside her; they are leaned back against the headboard with their legs thrown up on Nico's bed, and Nico doesn't say a word for the first twenty or so minutes in.

Then the annoying jump scares begin, and Karolina cannot hide her dislike any longer.

When she first jerks, Nico only gives her a side-glance, however when it continues, Nico reaches to lower the volume on the laptop with a gentle laugh. "You okay, there?"

"Uh, no?" Karolina gripes, making Nico chuckle again. "I fucking hate when they do that."

"What?"

Karolina hesitates, "Be scary."

"It's a horror movie," Nico snortles, and Karolina looks over at her – there are crinkles around her eyes and an easy smile on her lips, and Karolina wants to kiss her.

She blushes at that thought, and barely manages to croak out; "I know."

"Do you want to watch something else?"

"No," Karolina assures. Nico keeps looking at her for another second, but leaves it at that and stands to put their pizza boxes on her desk. When she settles back down beside Karolina, Karolina can't help but notice that she is now closer than before, with their elbows brushing and Nico's perfume surrounding her.

If she pushes back against Nico's touch, neither of them comment on it.

Karolina survives the remaining of the movie relatively easily, what with every single thing about Nico serving as a distraction, and when Nico closes the laptop and shoves it aside, the room gets covered in darkness. Nico stands to put the computer away, and she switches on a small lamp when she lies back down, facing Karolina.

Karolina stays lying on her back, and says with a drawn-out groan; "That was terrible."

"It wasn't that bad," Nico muses, and she is all of a sudden terribly soft. It makes the words catch in Karolina's throat, so after a lingering beat, Nico continues, so quiet Karolina hardly hears her; "How are things with your mom, by the way?"

Karolina unwittingly stiffens.

"You don't need to answer that," Nico hurries to add.

"No, it's fine," Karolina breathes out, and tells herself that this is okay; Nico caring about her is _real_. It is okay to let her closer. "It's, um... the same it's been, really."

Nico waits a couple of seconds, but Karolina doesn't speak more. "How has it been?" She prods, and her delicate tone tears at something in Karolina's chest.

It comes almost naturally to explain, then.

"Shit... It's been incredibly shit and neither of us really know what to do about it. I don't want to speak to her, she doesn't really seem to be trying either, and it's like it just gets worse with each day." Nico hums in acknowledgment, so Karolina resumes; “The day she told me, we had this _ridiculous_ fight. Well, it wasn't really a fight actually – it was just me screaming and her sobbing while not saying a word, and ever since then we haven't spoken."

"Not a word?"

"Not a single word. And I don't want to, either."

"Well, I can understand that," Nico admits and tucks both her palms under her cheek resting on the pillow – as Karolina looks over at her, she gets the sudden urge to cuddle her.

She resists.

"I didn't speak to my dad for like a month after he cheated."

"Right," Karolina says, shoos the weird thoughts far, far away. However, she now can't stop staring at Nico's lips – and that, for some reason, reminds her: "I wanted to ask what you wanted to talk to me about on Saturday?"

Nico's brows knit into a frown. "Saturday?"

"Yeah. On the trip?"

"Oh," Nico closes her eyes for a second and when she opens them, they are suddenly avoiding Karolina. "It doesn't really... matter now."

Karolina narrows her eyes. "Why?"

Nico lousily exhales. "I don't know..." she murmurs, "I—I kinda’ let you know already, or whatever," she rushes out, awkward and unwilling, and Karolina's heartbeat quickens.

"What?" She asks just to get her to say more, and only gets an eye-roll in response.

Karolina waits, but Nico just gives her a stare loaded with something Karolina doesn't even want to try to unwrap right now – an incredibly tense moment of silence falls over them. There is a glow in Nico's eyes and a wetness on her lips, and Karolina only realizes she is looking at them when Nico unexpectedly elbows up on the bed and murmurs: "Can I..."

Karolina frowns at the unfinished sentence, but soon understands when her gaze finally flickers back to Nico's eyes; they are blazing with everything Nico doesn't want to say right now.

Karolina jerks her head in a nod.

Nico doesn't react straight away – she keeps her gaze on Karolina one heavy moment longer, then hustles closer in a slow, almost careful manner. Karolina's bones feel like they want to break through her ribcage when Nico very cautiously tips forward and presses her mouth to Karolina's.

It is a firm, but short press of their lips – Nico is also the one to retract, and Karolina squashes down the reflexive impulse to chase her. Instead, she allows her eyes to flutter open and meet Nico's honest, but asudden fearful gaze.

"What is it?" Karolina croaks out, barely audibly, into the tight space between them – it comes out startlingly shaky.

Nico gulps, blinks rapidly for a moment, then whispers back; "Nothing."

Karolina waits. It takes a while for Nico's gaze to find Karolina's again, but when it does, the only thing it screams is _'kiss me.'_

So Karolina kisses her.

This time, it isn't just a press of their mouths; Karolina's hand swiftly finds the side of Nico's face to keep her there, and Nico flushes against the side of Karolina's body as if she’s done it a hundred times before; instantly, it is like fire awakening all throughout Karolina's skin wherever they touch, and it causes urgency to hit her square in the chest. Before she knows what she is doing, she is licking into Nico's mouth and pulling on her hips, and soon Nico's body comes pushing down on Karolina's own.

Nico deepens the kiss.

Her elbow comes to rest beside Karolina's head, but her free hand wanders downwards – at the first touch to Karolina's waist, Karolina nearly lets out a moan, but when Nico allows her body to relax and their chests to press against each other, Karolina isn't even remotely ashamed to whimper right into Nico's mouth.

Nico swallows it with no reaction.

Then Karolina's hands move to grab at Nico's sides, her legs part to allow Nico in-between them, all on their own accord – there isn't a single thought in Karolina's mind when her head rises from the pillow to take more of her, to kiss her deeper, to catch more of her tongue in her mouth – she only slightly comes to her senses when Nico's possessive fingers on her hip find skin.

It makes her break the kiss.

Nico lets it happen, but doesn't pull back. It is only when Karolina opens her eyes that she actually processes that Nico is on top of her, hips lodged between her thighs, and it is only then that she feels the maddening pound of her pulse thumping in her ears. All of this gets shut out, however, when she suddenly notices the violent tremble in Nico's whole frame.

"You okay?" She is immediately asking, quiet but alarmed, and Nico hurriedly nods in response. Her forehead gently knocks against Karolina's, her pants are quick against Karolina's mouth, her grip on Karolina's waist is ever-firm – yet the entirety of her body feels _vibrating_. "Nico."

"I'm okay," Nico whispers, shakily exhales. Karolina runs a hand down her back in comfort, and it seems to work, because a smile appears on her face. It disappears quickly though, and her expression grows serious; Karolina knows she wants to kiss her again just by one look into her eyes.

And she does.

This kiss is a little calmer, but it doesn't fail to make Karolina's whole body feel like jelly – Nico's unsteady hand on her hip travels upper, runs along her side, finds her face and angles it so she can deepen the connection of their mouths. Karolina feels another moan in her throat, however she pushes it down and lets Nico's tongue begin a dance with her own. Even though Nico is surprisingly light, the weight of her pushing down on Karolina has her completely losing her breath, completely succumbing under her warmth, her softness, her delicate yet sure touch – and Karolina knows, in that moment, that she's been Nico's far longer than she's ever, ever known.

//

When the time starts nearing 7 o'clock, Karolina unwillingly tells Nico she has to leave.

Nico's pout is instant. "Already?"

"Yeah," Karolina snorts, touches the back of her fingers against Nico's cheek. Nico is laying on her back now, and Karolina is on her elbow with an arm around her – looking down at her, Karolina keeps losing her breath because she is _impossibly_ beautiful. "I've been here almost four hours."

"You say that as if it's a lot," Nico muses sarcastically, and Karolina chuckles, but rolls away from her and stands reluctantly.

Nico insists on giving her a ride home, but Karolina stubbornly calls an Uber. Nico walks her outside when it arrives, brings her into a hug before she gets in – Karolina wears a grin on her face all the way to her home.

Walking inside, her mother is already waiting for her by the front door.

"Karolina. Where have you been?"

Karolina rolls her eyes, and addresses her for the first time in three weeks; "Out."

"I've been calling you," Leslie goes on, clearly upset, but Karolina just walks past her towards the stairs. "Karolina, please."

Karolina instinctively halts, then, at the clear begging in her tone.

After a beat of stillness, Leslie releases a sigh. "Just... let me know when you stay out after school next time. Okay?" She is soft as she says it, and Karolina can't fight the guilt hitting her suddenly – as much as she wants to ignore it, her mother does care about her. Even if she is a terrible wife, she has never been a terrible mother.

She murmurs an "okay," and disappears into her room.

She waits for a text from Nico, but it doesn't come.

//

The next day, she meets Nico in the Biology classroom – she is already sitting at her desk when Nico walks in, and as she passes her to go to her own seat, Nico sends her a sweet smile and an easy "hey." Karolina returns it all, and doesn't understand why such a short interaction has her stomach flipping.

When the lesson ends and they've packed their stuff up, they both automatically turn towards each other; Nico closes the small distance between them with slow steps and Karolina nearly trips on her own two feet, because Nico is wearing boots and a crop top with baggy pants, her hair is let down and she is in all black, and she looks _insanely_ attractive.

"I am starving," Nico speaks when she is close enough, and Karolina quickly slides her bag on her shoulder.

"Dude, me too," Karolina turns to walk towards the door. Nico falls into easy steps beside her. "All day I just wait for lunch."

"Same," Nico chuckles. "I literally eat so much in a day, you wouldn't even believe..."

"No you don't," Karolina frowns at her, "I rarely ever see you eat."

"That's 'cause we don't have many classes together. If you saw me in Math, however..."

Karolina laughs, allows Nico in front of her at the cafeteria door. "Aren't you like, annoyingly good at Math though?"

"I am," Nico shrugs, a small smile appearing on her face. "That's why I can eat."

"You are bad," Karolina teases, and Nico's lips pull into a grin.

After getting their food and walking over to their table, Karolina soon notices Nico become slightly more distant – it isn't awfully obvious, because she does sit next to Karolina and she does keep up their conversation, but she just barely noticeably scoots a bit away with her chair and tries to engage in the others' chatter.

Karolina doesn't know if it is because of Alex, or because of something else entirely, but she doesn't think about it right now.

Doesn't dare to.

//

Karolina meets up with her dad that afternoon. He takes her to his apartment, and it isn't big but actually feels homier than their house has ever felt, and Karolina laughs at his stupid dad jokes and cuddles into his chest until the sun goes down. He then takes her home and Leslie just asks her again to send a text next time she stays out after school, and Karolina can only mumble an okay.

//

The rest of the week passes by similarly to its first half: Nico searches for her eyes and incites conversations and says things to make Karolina laugh, but when their friends appear something clicks and changes, and Karolina doesn't understand why Nico feels the need to lean away from her as soon as somebody, or more specifically, Alex, shows up.

Karolina doesn't ask.

Instead, she asks Nico if she wants to come over on Friday after school, and if Nico is surprised, she hides it relatively well.

So Karolina doesn't ride with Chase to school that day, instead takes her mother's car – Leslie is more than happy to lend it to her when asked, and Karolina forces a barely-there smile to her face in thanks.

Leslie's eyes bright up at it, but she doesn't say anything else. Thankfully.

As the lessons finish, Karolina's pulse begins to escalate, and when she spots Nico walking over while she waits by Leslie’s car, everything seems to go into slow motion. Nico is wearing some black pants with a grey tee, and as the wind catches into her long hair to swipe it back over her shoulder, Karolina feels herself go weak at the knees.

"Hey," Nico is saying once she is close enough, and it feels terribly difficult to make eye-contact with her for some reason – her makeup is dark, red and grey colors help pop out the ever-familiar gleam in her eyes, and Karolina sharply inhales to calm her heart.

It doesn't work.

"Have you been waiting long?"

"Not at all," Karolina assures with a voice-crack, quickly clearing her throat. "I just got out, too."

Nico nods, gaze flitting behind Karolina. With a quirk of brow, she asks; "This your car?"

"No," Karolina snorts, and motions for her to hop in – Nico obeys, swiftly rounds the vehicle and settles beside Karolina. "It's my mom's."

"Ooo," Nico draws out, "so you're borrowing her car now and everything?"

Karolina just shrugs in response – Nico waits a beat, but doesn't question it further – instead starts talking about Gert and Chase.

When they arrive to the house, Karolina suddenly remembers that Nico has been here before, once; three years ago, on Karolina's birthday party. Karolina hides a smile while she ushers Nico inside, thinks about how 14-year-old Karolina never would've ever imagined this would be her life right now.

Leslie is at work, so Karolina freely leads Nico into the kitchen. There are boxes of food sitting on the counter – her mother texted Karolina earlier to let her know she ordered lunch, so Karolina tells Nico to sit and serves her a plate. They eat with light conversation and indulged in an unusual feel of familiarity, and Karolina doesn't understand why any and everything she does with Nico feels like they've done it a thousand times already.

Karolina then leads Nico up the stairs and into her room, and she remembers the first and only time she did this before, and is suddenly hit with the realization that the stuffed bear Nico gave her that day is sitting in the middle of her bed.

"What?" Nico instantly asks, turning to face a frozen Karolina; Karolina can't help but flush a deep shade of red.

"Nothing..." she murmurs, and unable to think of any solution to this right now, pushes open her bedroom door. "Just don't judge me, alright?"

Before she even finishes, Nico is already asking; "Is that the plush I gave you?"

Karolina bursts into an embarrassed chuckle. "Yeah. I was hoping you wouldn't remember..."

"Oh I remember," Nico says, and a smile can be heard in her voice; she saunters to the bed to touch a hand to the toy. "I spent hours picking it out."

Karolina's brows knit together. "What?"

Nico keeps her gaze on the bear, shrugs a little, then flops down on Karolina's bed.

"Why?" Karolina questions, interest sparked. She moves so they are face-to-face, and her heart stutters when Nico looks straight into her eyes to answer.

"Because I wanted you to like it."

Karolina feels her neck blaze. "And how did you decide what kind of teddy I'd like?"

"I don't know," Nico gently snorts, twists her hands into each other on her lap. "I guess I went by intuition."

"I guess so," Karolina only murmurs.

"Did I succeed, though?" Nico asks, eyes asudden colossal on Karolina, and Karolina wills every muscle on her face to remain still, to not look away.

"I mean, yeah?" Karolina croaks out. "It's been what, like 3 years? And it's still here, so..."

Nico's mouth twitces into a smile at its corners – Karolina watches it happen and doesn't understand why it makes something sing inside of her chest. "Good," is all Nico mumbles as a response, and Karolina bites her lip for a moment, but then decides to ask;

"Why did you care, though?" She jerks her shoulders as she says it, trying to seem nonchalant. Nico peers up at Karolina from beneath her eyelashes, as if she is abruptly ashamed to properly look at her, and Karolina wonders if she is overstepping some sort of unseen boundary – either way, she pushes on; "We weren't really friends back then."

"I know," Nico sighs out, probably in an attempt to match Karolina's nonchalance – it doesn't work, because Karolina knows by now that the flickering of her eyes and the curling of her fingers around each other mean she is nervous. "I—I know we weren't friends, but that doesn't mean I didn't want to be, you know?"

Karolina's brows shoot up. "You wanted to be friends with me?"

"I mean," Nico stammers, face slightly darker by the second, and lets out an unfit chuckle. At first, Karolina thinks she is going to delude her, but she simply says; "Yeah, kind of. I don't know, you just always seemed..." she searches for a word for a moment, then settles on "different."

That properly shocks Karolina.

"Different from _what_?" She questions, and can't hold back a laugh – she has always been the most uninteresting, most _basic_ person she knows – she can't even imagine what Nico would see to be different about her.

"Dude, I don't know," Nico chuckles, more from unease than joy, "You seemed different to me, and you used to stare at me a lot—"

"Oh God," Karolina snortles, steps closer to sit next to Nico. "Alright, pretend I didn't ask that."

"Why?”

"Because that's embarrassing."

Nico pauses for a moment, then says a bit softer; "It's not like I didn't stare back."

Karolina's pulse jumps at that revelation: it isn't unknown information to Karolina, yet Nico confirming it like this gives it more meaning, somehow.

"I know," Karolina mutters, and tries to ignore Nico shift closer on the bed. "It's still weird to talk about it, though."

"Yeah," Nico confirms quietly. There is a beat of silence before she speaks again; "I wanted to get to know you from the first moment I saw you, I think."

Karolina sucks in a shuddery breath. She wracks her brain for a response to that, but Nico thankfully continues; "And it might sound weird or whatever but you _were_ different. Even though we weren't talking, there was... _something_."

"I know," Karolina interrupts softly, because she _does_ know Nico's words are true: she remembers every single loaded stare, every hidden smile, every secret greeting they shared throughout all those years in middle school. It was something different, something unusual, something neither of them knew what to name, but it was good just the way it was, at the time.

(But even back then, Karolina _always_ felt she wanted more.)

"That's why it's kind of weird how we just started talking this year."

"Right," Nico smiles. "Honestly, I thought we never would."

"What do you mean?"

"Just, like, there were times when I thought we'd never talk to each other," Nico says with a chuckle, and Karolina also laughs – as strange as that thought is, it is also absolutely real.

"Same."

"Especially during freshman year. We had those few classes together and we kept seeing each other here and there, but it literally felt like an _impossibility_ that we'd ever actually speak."

"I know," Karolina nods, chuckles, and enjoys the warmth Nico's words elicit in her: even last year, when they weren't classmates anymore and there weren't any eye-contacts or secret greetings, Nico was still thinking about her.

_(Maybe, just maybe, Karolina hasn't been as alone with this as she thought.)_

"But honestly, for me, it often felt like that even in middle school," Karolina goes on, "like we were friends with the same people, always, but never with each other. It was so weird."

"I know," Nico nods, and there is a smile on her face, and Karolina can't ignore the wobble it causes in her stomach. "It was a shock when I saw you guys at Gert's party."

"Oh my God, I know," Karolina giggles out. "I couldn't even believe it when we started talking."

"Well, I _had_ to go over there," Nico says, "I had to at least say hi, or something. I remember thinking, like, fuck, if I don't do this now, I literally never will."

"Really?"

"Yeah," Nico nods. "I'm glad you guys came that day."

The air catches in Karolina’s lungs at that. She doesn't really know what to respond, so she doesn't. Instead, she stands from the bed and suggests watching a movie.

Nico easily agrees.

So they lie side by side on Karolina's bed, just like they did at Nico's, and Karolina positions her laptop on her thighs. Nico hustles closer to properly see the screen, and Karolina forces herself to breathe slowly in and out through her nose.

She can never get over how Nico just being a bit nearer can have her whole body heating up.

It is a good 30 minutes into the movie that Nico rests her head on Karolina's shoulder – for the remaining of the film, Karolina refuses to move even an inch.

//

The following days go by quickly, and uneventfully. Nico doesn't suggest to hang out again, and Karolina doesn't have the courage to, either – she might be overthinking it, but she, for some reason, can't shake the feeling that something is wrong, or that something is _about_ to go wrong, because it couldn't possibly be this simple.

Nothing with Nico has ever been simple, and she doesn't want to seem a fool thinking it might be this time.

And she is probably right in her assumptions: she can't ignore the way Nico tenses up whenever Alex appears, she can't ignore her pulling back from Karolina, avoid her gaze, shut down conversation. It happens at every lunch break, in every P.E lesson they share, and also when Chase invites everybody to his house during the weekend.

Karolina sits on his couch and pretends to indulge in her friends' conversation, but all she can really focus on is Nico sitting on the whole other side of the room, whispering secretively about something with Gert.

Karolina hates every second of this.

Then Alex walks over to them and hands Nico a drink, and Karolina is hit with the kind of annoyance that each time you feel, it becomes a little more intense.

She shoots up from the couch to find her own self a drink.

Tandy finds her in the kitchen after a while, tipsier than before but not nearly enough to clench her irritation. Then Chase comes over and drags them both upstairs to play on his PS4 with him, and Karolina is more than happy for the distraction.

As they walk to the stairs, she chances a glance inside the living room: Nico is in the middle of a belly laugh at something either Gert or Alex said, and Karolina's hands curl into fists on their own accord.

She is so genuinely, _absolutely_ sick of feeling like this, she doesn't know how much more she can take.

It is hours later that Nico appears upstairs, with Gert and Molly. When they saunter closer to Karolina and Chase sitting on the edge of Chase's bed, Karolina uses all of her willpower to not look away from the game in front of her. But then she feels the warmth of Nico's body sit down behind her, she feels her arm brush against her spine, and Karolina wordlessly puts the console in Chase's hand and stands. She makes a beeline towards the door but a hand on her wrist soon stops her, and Karolina isn't surprised to find Nico looking up at her.

"Karolina," Nico is saying, eyes searching but light – Karolina hates the way Nico doesn't, has _never_ been able to see any of... _this_. "We were thinking of ordering something to eat. D'you want anything?"

"No, thank you," Karolina replies, coolly and straight-faced. Nico's brows immediately furrow. "I'm not hungry." As she says it, she gently pries her hand out of Nico's hold, and Nico easily allows it – if she wants to respond, she doesn't get to, because Karolina swiftly turns and walks off.

Alex is downstairs with Ty, and Karolina avoids both of their eyes as she pours herself a glass of water. She then retreats to the living room, away from everybody, and tries to think of an excuse to leave.

Problem is, she does not wish to be in her house any more than here.

It's only another couple of hours later that they start to go home. Nico hasn't tried to talk to her again, and Karolina begins to wonder whether she got offended or something because of Karolina's shortness – she is thinking about going over to her to say bye as Chase brings her into a hug, however when she pulls back and looks for Nico with her eyes, she sees her being brought into a tight embrace by Alex.

Karolina rolls her eyes to the back of her head, mutters 'unbelievable' under her breath at the sight.

Chase gives her a strange look, but Karolina shakes her head at him, and he thankfully doesn't ask. His eyes show understanding though, and Karolina doesn't doubt he can put two and two together.

Apparently everybody can, aside from Nico.

Karolina then steps towards Tandy and Ty, who are waiting for her to leave, and Karolina pretends to not notice Nico trail behind her; she cannot help but halt her steps, however, that magnetic pull Nico has always put on her ever-present, unchanging and constant.

So Karolina allows her gaze to rest on Nico, and Nico's wide, unexpectedly alert eyes instantly suck her in. Karolina goes to continue walking towards her friends, but Nico stops her with a hand on her wrist, once more.

"Hey," she says, tone private and low, and Karolina inhales sharply through her nose, tries to tame her aggravation – it does not work. "Is everything okay?"

Karolina forces back another eye-roll. "Yep."

Nico deeply frowns, steps in closer, making Karolina feel asudden suffocated, but somehow _good_ at the same time – because the undeniably evident concern on Nico's face is everything to Karolina, everything she's ever really dreamed of, and yet not even _nearly_ , not even a little bit enough, and it never will be.

(She can't settle for things like this anymore, she can't be deluded by small gestures – she is not about to break her own heart over and over again, for somebody who only cares when she feels like it, for somebody who only wants her in the dark.)

_(Karolina ignores the small voice in her head telling her she's already way past all of that, that she's already_ majorly _fucked herself over with this.)_

"Are you sure?" Nico questions, gaze flitting over Karolina's stoic features.

Karolina only nods.

Nico continues to gaze at her. "I haven't seen much of you today."

Karolina gives her a loaded stare. Nico seemingly doesn't understand what she wants to convey with it, because she stares back blankly – Karolina lets out a scoff.

Nico's eyes narrow in attention. "What is it?"

"Nothing," Karolina mumbles, and turns to walk to her friends – Nico's hold on her wrist prevents her.

"Karolina," Nico is saying, tone abruptly urgent, and Karolina puffs out an angry sigh. "What—"

"Would you let go of me?"

Nico stills. She looks at Karolina with the most dumbfounded face for a moment, then does as she was told and releases her hold. Before Karolina could walk off, though, she speaks; "Did something happen?"

Karolina doesn't look into her eyes – she looks at the ground for a moment, waits for a second to pass, and exhales warily; "No. I just have to go home.”

“Can I—Can I walk you?”

“No, thank you.”

When no answer comes, Karolina sucks in a large gulp of air into her lungs and glances at Nico’s face: she’s got her lower lip trapped between her teeth and an almost burning look of concern in her eyes, but Karolina doesn’t allow it to make her feel anything in this moment.

She can’t anymore.

So with that, she leaves Nico standing there, and begins walking home with her friends.

//

When she awakes in the morning, there is a text from Nico waiting for her, one she sent after midnight – Karolina didn’t see it, because she went straight to bed after arriving home. She can’t deny the rush of blood to her cheeks, the sudden pounding of her heart in her chest; as much as she’d like to deny it, she _was_ hoping for a sign from Nico the minute she opened her eyes.

_'Hope u got home ok. I'm sorry if I upset you w something.. Talk to me?'_

Karolina sighs. It is such a simple request, yet it is one Karolina doesn't find fair: as much as she does want to talk to Nico about her feelings, she can't, because Nico doesn't make her _feel_ like she can – and maybe it isn't Nico's fault, maybe it is just the way that she is, but Nico is so awfully closed off and unreadable most of the time, that it doesn't even seem like a possibility for Karolina to just outright tell her what her problem is.

And really, they are not together – not even _close_ to having a proper relationship – so it isn't at all Karolina's place to get upset over fucking _Alex_.

Always over fucking Alex.

So no, Karolina doesn't know how to talk to her about this. Doesn't know how to say _'I just got upset because you keep pulling away from me and literally almost ignoring me whenever Alex shows up, and I hate it because it makes me feel like you're fucking cheating on Alex with me or something, even though I know you told me there was nothing going on between you two... But it still terribly feels like there is.'_

Instead of saying all of that, she types out; _'I'm fine. Sorry, I didn't mean to seem rude.'_

Because this is easier.

And Karolina has always been keen to choosing the easier way.

//

When they meet on Monday at school, Karolina acts like the weekend never happened, and if Nico is surprised, she is exceptionally good at hiding it; she greets Karolina with a smile in P.E, stays by her side for most of the lesson, sits next to her at lunch. She _does_ talk an awful lot to Alex during it, but Karolina decides to ignore it because Nico's thigh keeps pressing against hers throughout the entire break, and it has her heart beating a mile a minute.

Tuesday goes similarly; they see each other in front of the Biology classroom and Nico gives her one of those sweet smiles of hers that has Karolina going weak at the knees, then she lets Karolina in front of her through the door and hovers by her desk to tell her a story about her sister, Amy – Karolina feels on top of the world, over the moon, on cloud nine and it makes her momentarily forget every miserable thing Nico way too often makes her feel.

It doesn't last long.

On Wednesday they don't have shared classes, and they first see each other at lunch. Nico surprises Karolina by instantly asking if she wants to do something after school, and Karolina's heart soars from happiness as she agrees without any hesitation. She sits next to Nico and enjoys the occasional brush of their arms, talks with Tandy and Chase and half-listens to Nico joke around with Gert, Molly and Alex – she is _just_ beginning to tell herself that maybe, this is okay: maybe Nico just needs time, needs to take things slower, maybe she just has trouble properly committing... maybe this is fine and Karolina just needs to _stop_ being paranoid and become more forgiving – when she glances down to see Nico texting Alex underneath the table.

Shock punches her in the chest so abruptly, it knocks the air out of her.

Nico is only typing some laughing emojis at something Alex sent her, but it is still awfully weird; why would you start texting somebody sitting right in front of you?

The sound of the bell saves Karolina from any sort of reaction. She springs to her feet, quickly collects her stuff, and she is out the cafeteria door in the next second. Later during Math, she texts Nico that something came up this afternoon.

Nico replies with _'Oh. Ok then. :/'_

At home, she finally responds to a message Julie sent her weeks ago.


	7. Chapter 7

“We have a party on Saturday.”

That is the opening sentence of Gert’s (and Nico’s) arrival to their lunch table on Friday. Karolina is already inwardly groaning when Tandy asks about the details; a classmate of Nico and Gert’s is throwing it at her house, and the girl has stated that everyone can invite anyone, as long as they are from the school.

Karolina listens to all of her friends excitedly agree to go, hides her unease and follows suit because refusing would bring way too many questions from everybody.

So Karolina walks into the living room on Saturday morning and says to her mother; "A friend’s throwing a party tonight."

Leslie's head immediately snaps up at the sound of Karolina's voice. She straightens in her seat on the couch, clears her throat in surprise.

"Oh, um... Which friend?"

Karolina shrugs, "You don't know her."

Leslie nods, and there is an awkward moment of silence. "I'm guessing you want to go?"

"Yeah," Karolina mumbles, "if that's okay."

"Sure," Leslie smiles a way too big smile. "You can go." Karolina murmurs an okay and begins backing away, but Leslie speaks again; "Will you need me to take you? And pick you up?"

"No," Karolina quickly shakes her head. The girl lives only a few streets away according to Gert, but if it comes to that, she'll ask her dad for a ride – as much as she does want to repair some of the damage with her mother, that would be way too big of a step.

Leslie only gives a hesitant, slightly confused nod at that, so Karolina heads towards the stairs and begins mentally preparing herself for whatever tonight may bring.

//

When Karolina enters the unknown house with her group, the first person she spots is Julie standing by the corner with some of her friends. Julie thankfully doesn’t notice Karolina, but if she hides behind Ty when they walk past them, nobody notices.

Hopefully.

They down a shot of something nasty in the kitchen, they chat and bicker and make fun of people, drink some more, then retreat to the living room to dance. Karolina laughs at Chase when he makes gagging noises at Tandy and Ty making out and does her best to avoid staring at Nico's dancing body. She instead tries to focus on Chase, drifts close to him and laughs at the stupid shit flowing out of his mouth – Chase is a chatty drunk, has always been, and Karolina has always loved him for it.

A warm body gently pushing against her back after a few minutes tears her away from him.

Karolina doesn't need to look to recognize Nico; if it weren't for her maddening perfume enveloping her, she would still know just by the familiar warmth – Karolina's chest floods with it as she turns to face her, and even though Nico's expression is serious, her eyes are open.

Karolina sneaks an arm around her shoulders, pulls her in; Nico welcomes the contact with her hands on either side of Karolina's waist, and as much as the touch sends her heart flying, it also quiets every worrying thought in her brain.

In high-heels, Nico only has to tip forward slightly to say in Karolina's ear; "Your shirt's cute."

Karolina beams at her. "Thanks. I love your dress, too."

"Thank you. Amy bought it for me the other day, and surprisingly enough I liked it."

"Why is that surprising?" Karolina asks and rests both her arms around Nico's shoulders – they continue to sway to the music, and even though the lights are dim, Karolina can make out the glow in Nico's eyes perfectly.

"No one can really buy me clothes I like," Nico explains. "They usually get it wrong."

"To be fair, I wouldn't dare buy you clothes either."

"Why not?" Nico smiles.

"Your style is way too weird for me to understand," Karolina chuckles out, and Nico swiftly joins in; the sound of her laugh twists something in Karolina's stomach.

"I'll take that as a backwards compliment."

"As you should," Karolina grins, and Nico just rolls her eyes in response; her hand on Karolina's waist then jerks a little, and Karolina reflexively tightens her hold around her shoulders in fear of her pulling back – Nico's eyes go soft at the edges, her own arms sneak around Karolina, and Karolina's whole body runs hot in anticipation of a kiss.

It doesn't come – Nico only presses her face against Karolina's cheek and murmurs; "You're so beautiful."

Karolina's eyes flutter closed at the sensation of Nico's nose press against her skin; Nico nuzzles into her cheek for a moment, before pulling back a bit to look at her. Karolina can only smile in response, but she knows her face must be bright red.

"I didn't really want to come today," Nico then admits, asudden soft, gaze on Karolina's mouth instead of her eyes. "I mean, I'm kinda' getting tired of the same scene... I just wanted an excuse to see you."

Karolina feels the blood rush to her neck at the revelation. Even her mouth parts in surprise for a second, because that is the last thing she's expected Nico to say right now – but she hurries to hide her shock and respond.

"You don't need an excuse to see me," she says, and means it genuinely. "If you want to, you can.. whenever."

Nico gazes into her eyes for a moment, then, and asks seriously after a drawn-out moment; "Can I?"

Karolina frowns. Before she could open her mouth to answer, however, a third arm sneaks over her waist.

"Why you steal her from me?" Chase yells and pulls, wraps Karolina in a hug from behind. "You gotta come drink with me!"

Karolina sends Nico an apologetic grimace, "I'll find you?"

Nico smiles, nods with a "Sure," and Karolina lets Chase drag her towards the kitchen.

//

As usual, everything turns to shit when an hour or so later, Nico walks into the kitchen with Gert and Alex, and even though she hasn't got any reason or right to feel this way, Karolina's mood immediately plummets. Just the sight of Nico laughing at Alex's jokes, looking up at him and entertaining him with replies are enough to have Karolina fuming, even though Nico hasn't actually done anything wrong, at all.

Gert soon notices Chase and waves him over, but Chase stays beside Karolina and finishes a story Karolina hasn't really been listening to. Either way, she nods along and hums at all the appropriate times, with half an eye on Nico throwing a shot back.

Karolina follows along: pushes a glass to Chase's hand and downs her own.

Another hour later, Karolina is back in the living room, much drunker than before, jumping around with Chase, Tandy, Gert and Ty to the music blasting through the speakers, doing her best to not think about where Nico and Alex might be.

It isn't easy, considering they are the only ones from their group absent.

Nico shortly appears, surprisingly enough – Karolina couldn't explain if she wanted to the absolute relief that punches her in the chest when she shows up beside Gert, but the feeling soon vanishes when Alex's dancing body comes into view as well.

She tries to hold back an eyeroll, but as dazed as she is, she actually doesn't think she manages.

But Nico sends her a small smile, so Karolina forces all of her muscles to relax, both of her fists to unclench; Nico doesn't step close to her, doesn't touch her or even really look her way again, and Karolina tries her best to not think too much into it, to ignore the fact that now that Alex is here, Nico is, like usual, back to avoiding her.

At this point, it is more aggravating than painful.

Alex's usual silly moves are nowhere to be seen, and Karolina can't _not_ notice his eyes following after Nico. He then abruptly leans over to yell something in her ear, and Nico smiles, nods along, and Karolina pretends she doesn't see it, that she doesn't care, but Alex drifts closer and closer and everything seems to go into slow motion when he brings a hand to Nico's waist while they dance.

Nico's gaze snaps to Karolina – much to Karolina's surprise, Nico is swift to step out of Alex's hold, but Alex just keeps chuckling at some joke he is telling and nothing else happens at all, only Nico's pitying expression is left.

And Karolina bolts.

Without a word to anybody, she turns on her heels and exits the crowd – for a second, she expects for somebody to call after her, for a hand to reach for her wrist, but neither comes and she soon finds herself in the kitchen downing another shot.

And nothing about this is normal, nothing about this is _okay_ , and Karolina is beginning to think that maybe Nico _is_ actually doing something wrong, something Karolina has the right to be upset about.

//

Karolina doesn't quite remember how she ends up outside, in deep conversation with some of her schoolmates, but that is where Julie approaches her after a while. In truth, Karolina was hoping to avoid Julie altogether throughout this whole night, but things never seem to work according to her plan.

So Julie greets her with a hug, tells her she is pretty, and Karolina blushes at it all but not because she particularly _likes_ this girl, but because it feels _awkward_ ; she's been texting Julie since Wednesday and it isn't Karolina's plan to lead her on, it genuinely isn't, but her uninterest in her cannot be denied, and yet...

Here she is, chatting her up again.

That is where Nico finds her a good 30 minutes later. Karolina doesn't give into the temptation to immediately turn her head towards the door when she walks out, but from the corner of her eye, she can see Nico notice her right away. But she is, of fucking course, with Alex – Karolina doesn't understand why Alex is literally attached to Nico's side lately, and why it even intensified once Nico and Karolina "settled" things between them during the field trip – it almost feels like the universe is intentionally trying to mess with Karolina's life, somehow.

The pair walks over to them, and Karolina – subconsciously or not – steps just a little closer to Julie.

"Karolina, Chase's been looking for you," Alex speaks when they are near enough, and Karolina is hit with the realization that she is way too drunk for any of this right now. Her gaze finds Nico's stoic expression, and the coldness in her eyes startles Karolina enough to stumble backwards; Julie and Nico both reach for her, but it is Julie who catches her arm.

Nico drops her gaze either to the ground, or to Julie's hand on Karolina; Karolina can't tell for sure.

Alex is chuckling at the exchange, and Karolina doesn't even try to hide the roll of her eyes as he says; "Oh I guess you're in an even better state than him, though."

"Do you wanna sit down?" Julie suggests, and Karolina quickly shakes her head no. It makes the dizziness worse, but she can't ignore the satisfaction she feels when Nico's broody expression turns a bit broodier.

"No, I'm fine," Karolina starts, and can hear her own words slurring. "Just... Chase is a fucking idiot," she says and snorts even though nothing is really funny, and when her body involuntarily leans further into Julie's space, it feels strangely enjoyable.

But then Julie steps way too close, puts an arm around her waist and presses in near to hold her steady, and Karolina all of a sudden can't look Nico in the eyes.

But, quite unexpectedly, Nico saves her from it; there is soon the familiar touch of her hand on Karolina's forearm, gently but surely pulling her out of Julie's hold and asking; "Hey, can I talk to you for a sec?"

Karolina can only nod drunkenly, mumble a "Sure."

Nobody else says a word, and Nico leads Karolina to a vacant corner of the patio. Karolina has to actively focus on not tripping over as they come to a stop, and when they face each other, Nico's eyes are blazing with something Karolina can’t quite place right now.

"Are you okay?" She asks, and Karolina tries to appear aloof.

"Yeah. Why?"

"Oh, no reason," Nico says, dead-serious in a way that is almost scary, "I just didn't realize you drank that much."

"Yeah well," Karolina bites back, "probably because we've barely seen each other."

At that, Nico's scornful face falls slightly; she averts her gaze, looks behind Karolina's shoulder – for a second, Karolina thinks she is about to apologize or something, but instead, Nico asks; "Is that why you're acting like... that?"

Karolina halts, but masks her surprise with fake confusion. "Like what?"

Nico gives her a loaded stare. Karolina gazes back determinedly, and even though she is so drunk she can just barely think straight, she can't _not_ notice the clear, indisputable irritation in Nico's eyes.

She is ashamed to admit she enjoys it.

After a drawn-out moment of silence, Nico blows out a breath, and says in a strangely low tone of voice; "Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about."

Karolina's brows knit into a frown. "I don't, not really," she taunts, because she wants Nico to _say it_ – she _needs_ her to speak it out loud, so that Karolina would know it is okay to talk about her own feelings and issues about Nico.

But it isn't that easy.

Not with Nico, anyway.

"Whatever," Nico is soon saying, shaking her head and dropping her chin, and Karolina cannot help the roll of her eyes. "D'you want to head home with me, or you're staying with her?"

"With...?"

"With Julie," Nico states, and there isn't a trace of emotion in her voice.

Karolina sucks in a frustrated breath, and decides to blurt out; "Isn't Alex going to look for you?"

Nico tilts her head to the side in confusion, and it sends a wave of anger through Karolina's whole body.

"No? Why would he?"

As Karolina opens her mouth to answer, Julie's form appears beside Nico's. Nico's body reacts instantly; her arms cross across her chest, her eyes drop to the ground – Karolina tries to gauge whether she is angry, or annoyed, or just simply embarrassed for dragging Karolina away – but Nico's expression remains unreadable.

"Are you coming inside? I'm freezing out here," Julie interjects with a chuckle, forever oblivious.

"No," she replies, causing Nico's head to snap up. Her face shows puzzlement, and Karolina doesn't _get_ it; doesn't understand how Nico still doesn't see that Karolina would never, not in any scenario or in any lifetime, choose _anybody_ over her – as sad as that is. "I think I'm heading home."

"Alright, that's probably not a bad idea. Wanna wait up for me? I'll just go pee real quick—"

"No, actually," Nico speaks, cutting into the conversation loud and clear. "We can't. Sorry."

"Oh," Julie only glances at Nico, and her eyes are already back on Karolina; "Okay. We'll talk later then, I guess?"

"Yeah," Karolina utters, uncomfortable. "See you."

Julie departs after that, but Karolina thinks she sees a glare pass between her and Nico – she can't be sure, however, because her head feels like it is literally trying to fall off of her neck, and when Nico murmurs _'let's go,'_ it takes several seconds for Karolina to actually get her feet moving.

Nico waits for her patiently, doesn't comment.

Karolina slowly follows after Nico out through the gates, onto the sidewalk. They begin their way down the road and Karolina can't figure out how to feel, what to think of any of this right now – because as angry as she is at Nico, she is also just as helpless when it comes to her showing any form of care towards Karolina. Because now she is walking Karolina home, probably because she is drunk out of her mind, and if Karolina really thinks about it, in the end, Nico's concern for her always comes out at the surface.

Karolina just wishes it would happen more often, or maybe just more evidently.

"You talk often, then?" Nico breaks the heavy silence between them, abruptly enough to startle Karolina.

"What?" She asks, looks to the side at Nico; Nico keeps her gaze straight ahead on the road.

"She said you'll talk later," Nico states, matter-of-factly.

Karolina's eyes narrow; as much as she wants to relish in Nico's... jealousy or whatever this is right now, how come Nico doesn't see that she is doing the same things, or even worse things, with Alex?

It doesn't feel fair.

"And?" Karolina challenges, tone monotone.

"And, nothing," Nico says, and there is no shame, not a trace of hesitation in her words; "I just wondered if you talk often."

Karolina runs her answer through her foggy brain several times. This seems like an opportunity, she guesses, to bring this whole Alex-issue up, and she internally curses at herself for letting Chase convince her to drink so much tonight.

She eventually settles on "Why?"

Nico releases a breath. "I just... wondered," she halts, but Karolina waits for elaboration, can feel that it will come; and it does. "She seems pretty persistent."

Karolina frowns. "Persistent?"

"With you," Nico turns her head to look at Karolina. "Don't you think?" She asks, and it sounds so much more like a challenge than an actual question, it sends Karolina's pulse jumping.

Karolina shrugs, says "I don't know," and knows it annoys Nico by her sharp intake of breath.

"You don't think?"

Karolina ponders her answer for a few long seconds, before eventually muttering; "We're friends."

Nico scoffs out loud without missing a beat.

"What?"

"Right," Nico says, dismissive and cold. "Does _she_ know that, too?"

Karolina wills her heartbeat to quieten, wills her brain to properly process the meaning behind Nico's words right now. She begins to say; "I mean, I guess? Why are you asking like—" but the ringing of a phone cuts her off.

_Of course it does._

She quickly pulls it from her jeans' pocket and answers Tandy's call. She explains she is walking home with Nico and totally ignores Tandy's teasing remarks at that information, instead hurries to say her goodbyes.

Before she even hangs up, Nico is already speaking; "Sorry, I don't mean to be—I don't mean to sound like a dick. I just..." she trails off, doesn't finish the sentence.

For a moment, Karolina starts wracking her brain for a way to bring up Alex, but memories of Nico shutting her down all those months ago when she did flash through her mind and it suddenly doesn't seem like such a good idea. And she is also _tired_ – she is so unspeakably tired of this circle, of always, _always_ worrying because of Alex, always because of the same things, even after Nico told her plain and simple that there was nothing going on between them.

Most of all, Karolina feels ashamed.

But it isn't that she doesn't _trust_ Nico's words; it's more like she doesn't trust Nico's feelings for her, way too scared of them being permanent and passing.

So, she stays mute. Nico doesn't speak for a long time either, and Karolina's street is coming into their view when she says; "We really didn't see much of each other today."

Heat unexpectedly spikes behind Karolina's eyes; she draws in a quiet, shuddery breath and prays Nico doesn't notice the unsteady state she is in.

"Right," Karolina croaks out – Nico says that as if it hasn't been that way since forever, during the past several hang-outs they had, as if she hasn't been attached to Alex's side and ignoring Karolina for weeks now.

But she doesn't say any of that. Nico waits for more, but speaks when it doesn't come; "You're not feeling sick, are you?" She asks uncertainly, probably trying to figure out Karolina's silence, and Karolina inhales another large breath to stop herself from crying.

"No, I'm good," Karolina murmurs, comes to a stop in front of her house. Nico steps in front of her to face her, and Karolina watches Nico’s fingers twitch at her sides instead of looking into her eyes, watches her shift awkwardly on her feet and wonders how the hell she is going to come out of this okay.

"Karolina," Nico starts, quiet and confused, and Karolina tries her hardest to not look up at her because her eyes are filled to the brim with tears. Nico then steps closer, moves her hand to cradle Karolina's in it. Karolina holds her breath and lets it happen.

"I'm going in, I'm cold."

Nico hesitantly moves nearer. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," Karolina nods. "I'm just freezing."

There is a pause. When Nico's thumb caresses over the back of her hand, Karolina's urge to escape rockets.

She separates their hands and inches back. "Thanks for walking me home."

"Karolina," Nico rushes out, tone gentle yet desperate in a way, and Karolina can't _handle_ this right now. "What's—"

"I'm tired," Karolina cuts in softly, "I just wanna go to bed."

Nico doesn't reply for a lengthy couple of seconds, and Karolina finally lets her eyes skip up to her face – Nico is staring at her with an obvious expression of concern, but Karolina doesn't allow it to make her feel better.

Not anymore.

"Goodnight."

Nico blinks, murmurs goodnight back, but doesn't say anything else as Karolina turns and walks off. When Karolina shuts the front door behind herself, Nico is still standing on the sidewalk.

//

All throughout the weekend, no text comes from Nico and Karolina doesn't understand how somebody can make you feel like drowning, yet soaring through the clouds at the same time.

//

The following few days pass by in a blur; in school, Nico at first tries to act like nothing ever happened, tells Karolina about the trip Amy took her on on Sunday – Karolina listens with half an ear and wonders if she is successful in her attempt to mask how upset she still is. She knows she isn't when Nico quiets down after only a few minutes, halting her story before even getting to the important parts.

Karolina finds she doesn't feel guilty.

So she busies herself with her friends, with Tandy and Chase and tries her hardest to ignore Alex quickly jumping on the opportunity to address Nico – Karolina doesn't listen in to their conversation, doesn't look back at them another time during the entirety of lunch.

Tuesday happens similarly: Karolina is already sitting at her desk when Nico walks inside the Biology classroom, and as she strides towards Karolina to take her usual seat behind her, Karolina can't stop her whole body from tensing up, and it isn't _supposed_ to be like this; she isn't supposed to _fear_ , to freeze up whenever Nico is around, not anymore, and it _sucks_ that they are still doing the same thing they've been doing for over 9 months now. Nico locks her gaze perfectly on Karolina and Karolina can't _not_ return the curious stare – Nico is in all black and her eyes seem a little stormier than usual, a little more tired, but they leave Karolina breathless nonetheless.

Nico says a quiet hi, which Karolina reciprocates just as quietly. When Nico is out of sight, Karolina squeezes her eyes shut and tries to figure out when the hell it all got so _awkward_.

When the lesson ends Karolina doesn't wait for Nico, doesn't look behind her shoulder to check if she's packed her stuff; she makes her way out the door and into the cafeteria on her own, greets her friends on her own, and the first thing she sees is Gert's brows knitting into a frown at the absence of Nico. She cranes her neck to look behind Karolina, and must put two and two together in her head because the next time her gaze lands back on her, she's got this all-knowing, disappointed-looking expression on her face.

Karolina swiftly drops the eye-contact.

Nico arrives to the table soon enough, of course, and if she intentionally sits next to Ty instead of Karolina, nobody comments on it.

It is only on Thursday that they actually talk again. As Karolina steps inside their French classroom, she is hit with relief seeing their shared desk empty – it doesn't last long because she hasn't even sat before Nico is already following in after her. Nico walks over with slow, hesitant steps and Karolina listens to the sound of her heavy boots, to the rustle of her dropping her bag by the chair. Only once she is sat beside Karolina does she speak a soft 'hi.'

Karolina has expected it, but it still makes her pulse jump. "Hi," she returns, and tries to ignore the enchanting smell of Nico's perfume.

Silence follows, and for so long Karolina begins to think Nico won't speak any more than that. The classroom is starting to fill up with students and Karolina is just about to reach for her phone resting on the desk when Nico's voice rings out again.

"You doing anything this weekend?"

Karolina bites the inside of her cheek. "I don't know," she says slowly. "Probably not. Why?"

"Just—The guys have been talking about doing something on Saturday."

Karolina hides an eye-roll – of course Nico is just inviting her to another fucking party. Just thinking about it has Karolina's skin itching, automatically blurting out; "I'm not going to another party."

"Oh," Nico jerks a bit in surprise. "How come?"

Karolina can't stop herself from scoffing. "I'm over it."

Nico hums. "Well, I don't think it'll be a party. They were talking about going somewhere."

Karolina keeps her gaze on Mrs. Tuba walking in through the door as she murmurs; "We'll see then, I guess."

Nico doesn't respond.

//

The unmentioned, but obviously present tension between the two of them is almost suffocating as their group meets in front of the mall on Saturday. The only reason Karolina even agreed to come was Tandy's persistence, because even though she is dating Tyrone now, it apparently still doesn't mean she can comfortably exist without Karolina's presence beside her.

Karolina wouldn't admit it, but she feels the same way about her.

(Well, maybe that isn't the _only_ reason Karolina agreed to come – if the fact that Alex couldn't make it because he has a family event today has anything to do with it, nobody needs to know.)

They eat at a McDonald's and spend a couple of hours walking around the stores, and eventually find themselves by the bowling alley – Karolina instantly declares that she isn't playing, claiming she's got a headache (which isn't a lie), and she is grateful when nobody tries to convince her. So she sits behind her friends as they play and Tandy keeps her company whenever it isn't her turn, which is nice – but Karolina can't deny the feel of Nico's eyes on her, searching and curious and alert, inspiring her to whisper in Tandy's ear to leave her be for a moment in hopes of Nico approaching her when alone – it works.

Only about a minute after Tandy steps aside, Nico saunters over.

Karolina keeps the eye-contact as she nears, and Nico only breaks it when she is standing right in front of her; Karolina's heart is suddenly pounding and even though she is mad at Nico, she can't help but return her faint smile.

"I got some, um... Painkillers, in my bag I think," Nico speaks, uncertain. "If you want."

Karolina falters for a moment, strangely caught off guard by the unusual shyness. She watches Nico shift on her feet and slip her hands into the back pockets of her jeans, and realizes with quite a startle that Nico is nervous.

Well, she should be, Karolina figures. Karolina _has_ been giving her the cold shoulder for the past week, and Nico has refused to address it so far: mostly, she just acts like everything's fine and occupies herself with Gert, Ty and Alex, and avoids looking into Karolina's eyes.

Karolina hates her for it. Hates her for being unable to show that she cares, _if_ she cares, hates her for being so awfully distant and unreachable most of the time.

(But even more so, she just hates _herself_ for not being able to just _talk_ to Nico. To just... talk about it all.)

"I'm good," Karolina responds, aiming to sound curt, but not too unkind. "Pills don't usually help."

"You have them often?" Nico asks with a head-tilt to the side – Karolina tries her hardest to ignore how attractive it makes her.

"Not that often," Karolina shrugs and points her gaze to their friends instead of to Nico. "Mostly when it's hot out. I don't know why it hurts now."

Nico hums, shifts a little closer. "Well, do you want some water? I can get you—"

"No, thank you," Karolina states with finality. "I've drank already."

There is a moment of stillness, and it stretches enough for Karolina to start to think Nico will just turn and walk off. But instead, a breath of a sigh escapes Nico's lips and she flops down next to Karolina.

Karolina tenses.

"Um..." Nico begins, angling her body towards Karolina and stealing the breath from her lungs. She leans forward to rest her elbows on her knees and ducks her head to catch Karolina's eyes. "Are you, like... okay?" Nico forces out and it sounds so _awkward_ , so out-of-place, for some reason, that Karolina doesn't know what to reply for a moment. So Nico continues; "I mean I—I hope you... know that you can tell me, if something happened..."

Karolina listens to the bowling ball colliding with the pins, to her friends' laughter. Taking a bigger breath, she makes herself catch Nico's eyes – they look unsettled, stormy in a way just like they did days ago, and Karolina only now notices the faint, but visible bags underneath them. She almost blurts out 'are _you_ okay?' but bites her tongue and instead says; "No, nothing happened."

Nico obviously anticipates a longer answer, and her fingers anxiously twist into each other when it doesn't come. "Um... Are you sure?" Nico speaks slowly. "I mean—I don't wanna push you, like I understand if you don't want to talk to me about it, about... your parents, or whatever, or anything else, but I'm here if you'd want to... talk..."

Karolina diverts her gaze to her shoes; in any other situation, the words would probably make her feel good and cared-for, but right now, they just send a wave of annoyance through her.

Nico really hasn't got _any_ idea, has she?

"I just don't want you to feel like you can't—"

"It isn't like that, alright?" Karolina cuts her off, louder and harsher than intended – Nico jerks back, and Karolina locks her gaze on her; clear bewilderment sits on Nico's face and it only worsens Karolina's aggravation, because how can Nico be so blind? How can she still not see that Karolina's one problem has only ever been fucking _Alex_? Even after they've talked about him at Ty's party months ago, then on the field trip, even after Karolina literally accused her of hooking up with him, Nico still just... doesn't care enough to see it.

Releasing an angry huff of air, Karolina abruptly stands. Nico is swift to follow after, with an insistent "Karolina," hand darting out to grab at Karolina's wrist but stopping just before making contact. "Wha—"

"It's whatever, Nico, literally," Karolina exclaims, this time, her anger open and unreserved. "It really doesn't fucking matter."

"Why do you say that?" Nico asks, widened eyes burning in a way Karolina hasn't seen in way too long.

"Because!" Karolina presses, and allows her urge to disappear from this conversation overtake her. Without giving Nico a chance to reply she turns and hurries away towards the restroom.

If she counted, it would be probably at least the hundredth time that she cries over her.

//

It is dark outside by the time they decide to head home.

Tandy hasn't really left Karolina's side since she came back from the restroom. Karolina doesn't know if she noticed her reddened eyes or just simply got bored of Ty, but Karolina is grateful for the distraction. Nico's eyes haven't really left her, either – Karolina doesn't allow it to make her feel anything right now.

(She just wishes things wouldn't be like this – she just wants to be content, she just wants some calm in her life. She just wants things to finally... settle. In one way or another.)

As they begin their way home, Nico doesn't approach Karolina, however Karolina can tell by the fidgeting of her hands and the glances she keeps throwing her way that she wants to. Her assumptions are right, because when Karolina says her byes and turns onto her street, Nico calls after her with a "Hey, wait up."

Karolina does, because what else could she do.

But Nico passes her and steps towards Karolina's house, gesturing with her head for her to follow and only stopping when they are out of earshot. Karolina then looks into Nico's still terribly troubled eyes and feels her heart race.

"Listen," Nico begins, quiet and unsteady, "I just wanted to say that I didn't mean to upset you earlier. I'm sorry if I said something wrong."

Karolina squeezes her eyes shut. She wills her anger to shimmer away, she squashes down the impulse to lash out again. She chances a glance at their friends standing a few feet away and thinks, this is not the time nor the place to have this conversation.

So she says; "It's whatever, Nico," and sees Nico's face fall. "I—"

"Why do you keep saying that?" Nico cuts in, asudden agitated. "That it doesn't matter and—and that it's whatever. Why would it be?"

Karolina doesn't know what to say to that – she blows out a loud breath through her mouth and drops her chin to the ground. Nico's eyes shine from clear despair and Karolina hates the way they simply cannot figure each other out.

She hears Tandy's laugh echo in the chilly evening air, listens to Chase and Gert bicker about God knows what. "Can we not do this right now?" She says to Nico, who looks at her like she hasn't got the slightest idea about anything going on in Karolina's head.

And Karolina can't _bear_ this anymore.

"Do what?" Nico asks, sending Karolina's eyes rolling to the back of her head.

"Just—Any of it," Karolina breathes out, both exhausted and exasperated at once. "I don't have the energy for this right now."

"For what, exactly?" Nico demands.

"To argue, Nico," Karolina utters, fixes her gaze on the ground.

There is a moment so still, it feels like the air itself stops moving around them.

Then, Nico takes a step closer, close enough to fill Karolina's nose with her scent, and Karolina holds her breath until Nico begins to say, just barely above a whisper; "I'm not trying to argue either. But I'm not stupid and I noticed you've been different since the party last week, or maybe even before that, I don't know... and I _hate_ it when you're like this with me." Karolina keeps her gaze on Nico's fingers curling into each other and wonders if she makes her feel as nervous as Nico makes Karolina. Nico continues lowly, slowly; "You ignore me and brush me off and don't look at me, and I'm literally _always_ , just— _constantly_ wondering what you're thinking or—or what happened, or whatever." Nico clears her throat, and when she speaks again Karolina's eyes reflexively snap up at the desperation in her tone; "And I _constantly_ feel like I'm fucking something up and slowly losing you, and I don't—I don't know what to do to stop it."

To say Karolina didn't expect Nico to say all that would be an understatement – it is true that Nico has told her before that she doesn't want to lose her, but she was also drunk out of her mind and sobbing into Karolina's neck, so to be completely honest, Karolina hasn't been sure of that confession's accuracy.

Not to mention Nico does not act like she is afraid of losing Karolina in general, at all.

And that is why, even though Karolina's heart is hammering wildly against the cages of her ribs at those words, she still doesn't give into the temptation to just fall into Nico's arms and tell her that everything is okay, and that she isn't losing her – because in truth, Karolina herself isn't sure if that is true.

So she just drops Nico's gaze and murmurs, "Can we please not have this conversation right now?” But when no answer comes, Karolina looks back up and is startled to see tears gleam in Nico's absolutely _anguished_ eyes. "Nico," she instantly tries to soothe, inches closer. "I don't mean—I just don't wanna talk about this right here, right now. Okay?"

"Why not?" Nico breathes into the space between them, so light Karolina barely hears. When Nico blinks, a tear slips to the corner of her eye but she is quick to brush it away.

"Because it's—it's complicated," Karolina says, and Nico looks away with her chin trembling. Karolina feels her stomach twist into a knot and cannot stop herself from cradling Nico's hand in her own – Nico allows the contact, leans further into Karolina's space, and Karolina yearns to wrap her in her arms and squeeze her small body to her chest – but she doesn't give into the urge, doesn't let herself be weak around her any longer. "I feel like we're not on the same page right now and I don't wanna talk over each other anymore."

Nico runs a shaky hand through her hair then rests it on her forehead, covers half her face but Karolina can still see tear after tear fall on her flushed cheek. Karolina reflexively pulls on her hand to bring her closer, puts her other hand on Nico's waist in comfort.

"Nico," Karolina coaxes in a gentle tone, chest painfully constricting because this isn't what she _wanted_ – she doesn't want them to hurt each other anymore, she never wanted to hurt _Nico_. "Don't cry, ple—"

"Karolina," Nico interrupts, weak and breathy and impulsive, "If you don't—if you don't feel like this is what you want, just... say it."

Karolina’s brows knit into a frown.

"There's no point in not telling me now, if you feel like we're not on the same page then why would you even drag it out this long, I—" she chokes on a sob but goes on without an ounce of shame, "I don't even..." she exhales, before drawing in a large breath and continuing; "I've come to a point where I can't—like, _look_ at you without not... _wanting_ you, and if that isn't how you feel then I don't even—"

"Nico that's not what I meant," Karolina finds her voice, finally. Her pulse pounds loud in her ears but she stares into Nico's eyes and says, clear and simple; "I wanna be with you too. You know that. That isn't what—"

"How would I _know_ that?" Nico cuts in, soft but insistent. "You don't tell me shit."

A chuckle bursts from Karolina at that. "You don't tell me shit either," she mumbles, "but either way, that's not what I meant when I said we're not on the same page. I meant—other things. But this isn't the time or the place to talk about them, alright?"

Nico halts for a beat, then her shoulders sag as she releases a loud sigh. "Fine," she utters, and separates her hand from Karolina's to wipe at her wet face. Karolina quickly reaches to the pocket of her jeans to pull out a pair of tissues.

"I'm sorry," Karolina finds herself blurting out. "I didn't mean to make you cry."

Nico quirks her brows at that, but blows out her nose without a word. When she is finished, though, she does add in a murmur, "You do it quite often, regardless."

Karolina's heart drops. Clearing her throat, she decides to be honest as well; "Well, I've cried because of you already today, too, so I guess we're even."

Nico's gaze immediately snaps to Karolina's. She stares for a moment, then grimaces. "You cried earlier?"

Karolina lets out a quiet chuckle. "I guess we make each other cry more often than we thought."

Nico sighs once more, takes a step back with a small nod. "That's... depressing, actually."

"It is.”

"But what did I do that made you cry?"

"Nico," Karolina croaks out, "we'll talk about it later, okay? When we're... alone. And when I won't supposed to be home fifteen minutes ago."

"Fuck, sorry," Nico groans, "I'm holding you up."

"It's okay," Karolina insists, quieter. "I was glad when you called after me."

Nico's lips curl into a small smile at the corners – Karolina feels her neck flush at the sight, for some reason, and she looks away with another clear of her throat.

"Anyway. Text me?"

Nico gives a big nod. "Okay. Um. Are you free tomorrow, actually? Could we talk?"

Karolina pauses; she considers whether she is ready mentally and emotionally to have this conversation as soon as tomorrow, but she also knows that it needs to happen, and that things _will_ turn better when it does.

So she nods with a _'yeah_ ,' allows Nico to bring her into a short, but tight hug – she sucks in her scent and can only pray that hope will come true.


	8. Chapter 8

_‘Hey. I was just wondering if you still wanted to talk today?’_

Nico’s text message startles Karolina awake at precisely 8 o'clock the following morning. Karolina cannot help the instant wobble of her stomach at the early reminder that today will, in fact, make or break her relationship with Nico – hopefully. She can only hope the conversation they are ought to have will have some sort of lasting effect on them, because the only thing she knows for sure, is that she cannot go on like this with her any longer.

Or maybe she could, but she doesn’t want to anymore.

_‘Yeah. We could talk at mine if you’re ok with that,’_ she quickly types back, vision still somewhat blurry from sleep but mind already full of possibilities of where today may take them.

And as much as she desires to keep her thoughts on a positive side, it also isn’t difficult for fear and doubt to creep up on her; regardless of whatever has been said between them last night, Karolina is still extremely upset with Nico. Because Nico _has_ been ignoring her, _has_ been acting cold and distant whenever Alex was around, _has_ chosen Alex's company over Karolina's several times these past weeks, and Karolina needs actual, logical explanation for these actions in order to move on from them, with Nico by her side.

They agree on 4 o'clock and Karolina spends her day studying, texting Tandy, cleaning her room and her bathroom and overthinking every single piece of this whole situation a thousand times. When the bell rings, Karolina runs down the stairs on shaky legs and her heart hammers in her throat when she tears the front door open. Nico is in dark jeans and a baggy shirt, she's got her hair up in a ponytail, and her face is entirely free of make-up.

Karolina's knees weaken at the sight.

But, she ushers Nico inside then up the stairs to her room, and she shuts her bedroom door careful enough for Leslie not to hear. Nico sits on her bed without being told to, and Karolina relishes in the sudden exhilarating feeling of being alone with her.

"I like your room," Nico begins the conversation casually.

Karolina steps closer to sit down as well. "You do? Why?"

"I don't know," Nico shrugs. "It's homey."

Karolina looks over the scatter-filled shelves and picture collages on her desk, and figures that is fair enough. Remembering Nico's plain and minimalistic room, the difference is obvious, even though Karolina actually liked Nico's room more than her own. Before she could reply, Nico talks again; “I hope I didn't wake you up, by the way... with my text."

Karolina bites back a smile, making Nico immediately groan. "It's alright," Karolina waves her off genuinely. "I didn't mind. It was just—pretty early."

"I know," Nico chuckles out with an embarrassed grimace. "Sorry. I was—I couldn't sleep."

"It's fine," Karolina assures. "I'm glad you texted. I might not have had the courage to if you didn't," she admits quietly.

"Oh," Nico breathes, abruptly curious, smile disappearing. "Why?"

Karolina locks her gaze on her lap. "I don't know. I don't really know how to... like, voice any of this."

"Why is that?" Nico asks earnestly, and when Karolina looks back up, she notices the rigidness of her body and the tiredness in her eyes; Karolina doesn't want to assume it’s caused by her, but she also knows it is a probable choice, as terrible as that makes her feel, because she knows Nico _does_ care for her.

And she didn't want to hurt Nico, ever – and maybe Nico never wanted to hurt Karolina, either.

When Karolina doesn't respond, Nico says; "Karolina you can tell me anything," and there is such pure sincerity in those words that the air catches in Karolina's lungs. "I—I don't..." Nico continues gently, "I don't want you to be afraid to tell me things. Sorry if—if I made you feel like you should be." Karolina almost starts crying at that, but she gulps down her rapidly emerging emotions. Nico waits an uncomfortably long few seconds for Karolina to say something, and when she doesn't, she adds in a barely audible mumble; "I don't wanna lose you," sending Karolina’s pulse into overdrive.

"See, but that's—that's what I don't understand," Karolina blurts out, finally. "You keep saying that but it doesn't—it doesn't..." she hesitates how to word it, because the last thing she wants is for this to dissolve into a fight, but eventually settles on, "it doesn't _feel_ true."

Nico's body jerks in her seat. "What do you mean?"

Karolina exhales, then begins to explain very slowly, to remain calm and clear: "You keep saying you don't want to lose me, Nico, but you don't _act_ that way at all. It doesn't—Like, most of the time, the things you say don't feel... genuine, because your actions don't really match your words, I guess. Or vice versa, I don't know..." she trails off, cheeks flushed red, but not particularly from embarrassment, more so from frustration.

She doesn't meet Nico's gaze as silence falls over them. It is after a good while that Nico finally replies, and there is unexpected steel in her voice when she does.

"I mean, no offence Karolina, but you don't act any different than me. Except you don't even _tell me_ things like that."

On cue, Karolina's eyes roll to the back of her head. "Seriously? _That's_ the answer you got for that?"

"I mean, I don't know, just seems a bit hypocritical? To say that I—"

" _Hypocritical?_ " Karolina interrupts loudly. "Nico you keep telling me you don't want to lose me, then turn around and not even, like, speak to me for half a day, even when we're in the same room. You don't see a problem with that?"

"Of course I see that there's a problem," Nico states. "But I don't think I am the only one at fault."

Karolina halts; Nico is right about that, obviously. Karolina _is_ at fault for a lot of things in their relationship: she cannot deny, however, that every single thing she does is fueled by her annoyance at Alex. Each time she's ignored Nico, each time she's brushed her off or paid attention to others instead of her, every single time she's been short with her, it has only ever been because of Alex. Because of jealousy.

Karolina knows she is guilty, in a sense, but in another sense, most of the blame _is_ on Nico. Karolina just needs to find a way to put that into words.

“Okay,” Karolina heaves out, breathing in deeply and gathering every bit of bravery she can find within herself; she closes her eyes for a second, then when she opens them, they get stuck right on Nico's own. “I know I’ve been… acting horribly as well, for the past week.”

“And before that,” Nico adds with an arched eyebrow.

Karolina can only nod. “And before that, yeah. I—I never wanted you to think I was acting that way because I don’t want this, or because I—I don’t feel… that way about you, or whatever.” Karolina feels her ears burn, but she clenches her hand into a fist and goes on. “The only reason I’ve been acting like this is because of… because I—because of the way _you’ve_ been acting.”

Nico doesn’t interrupt. Karolina stares into her eyes and she stares back, focused and listening.

“I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but… every time we’ve hang out with the others these past weeks, you’ve literally barely a said a word to me. You’re always occupied with… other people and…” Karolina trails off, chanting to herself in her head to just _say_ it. With a large inhalation of breath, she states; “Well, with Alex, more specifically.”

At the mention of his name, Nico’s gaze immediately drops to her lap.

“I don’t—I don’t mean to sound, like, accusing or whatever,” Karolina hurries to explain, “like I know we’ve talked about this before, but I—It’s— _It’s true_. Whenever we hang out, you’re always with him but as soon as he’s not there, it’s like you get bored suddenly and only then look for _me_.”

“That’s not true,” Nico speaks softly. “The getting bored bit, I mean.”

“Okay well, the rest is true anyway,” Karolina says, becoming gradually more confident in her words. “And whenever I seem distant or rude or rejecting to you, it’s literally only because you annoy the shit out of me with this because it isn’t _normal_. I know you’re… friends with him or whatever but I know you used to be more at one point, and now that _we_ have this— _thing_ between us, I just don’t understand why he still seems more important to you than I am. It shouldn’t—it shouldn’t be like this.”

It is with a heaving chest and trembling fingers that Karolina finishes talking, and heat spikes behind her eyes as they look for a reaction on Nico’s face. Nico has got an impression of complete shock – it’s almost annoying how oblivious she is, but Karolina pushes down the shimmering anger she feels in order to avoid this conversation turning into an argument.

“He isn’t more important,” Nico says after a beat, quiet but sure. “This is like… this is so—fucked up.”

Karolina gives a small, slightly confused nod. Nico then very abruptly scoots closer, grips one of Karolina’s hands in her own and says; “I didn’t know this,” with wide, pain-filled eyes.

Karolina’s heart pangs.

“I wish you told me sooner,” Nico continues mildly. “I don’t know why I—I didn’t realize this was your problem. I should’ve known… I mean it’s pretty obvious if I only just—paid more attention, I’m sorry… I just wish you’d told me sooner.”

“I didn’t know how,” Karolina admits, and only then processes there are tears in her eyes. “I didn’t feel like this was—like I could talk about this. Because when I brought it up once, at Ty’s, it all went to shit and I didn’t want that to happ—”

“Karolina that was ages ago,” Nico interrupts with a firm shake of her head. “Everything’s different now between us, you know that. You could’ve—I’m sorry I made you feel like you couldn’t, but you can—you can tell me anything, I already told you.”

“I know but this just seemed like such a weird thing to be upset about at first, because it’s not like we’re dating, really? And I also didn’t wanna sound like I was accusing you of something, because it’s not that, I just can’t help but act like a dick when you’re literally ignoring me to go be with him, and then you come and tell me you’re only there to see me, and that you don't wanna lose me, but it doesn’t _feel_ that way at all because we don’t even talk the whole night, so I just didn’t—I didn’t know how to say any of th—”

“I understand,” Nico cuts in. “It’s—it’s fine, at least you told me now… Um. With Alex, things have been complicated for a while.”

Karolina sniffs. She wipes a tear from her cheek and looks at Nico to show she is listening.

Nico then sighs. “We had… _something_ going on for a while, last year. It wasn’t anything serious, we hung out like that only a few times. I… I’m not gonna lie to you, I did kinda’ like him at the time. I think I was like… crushing on him at least, and I do think it could’ve gone somewhere if only you… well, if things didn’t turn out the way they did.”

Karolina’s brows pull into a frown. “What?”

There’s a beat of stillness before Nico says, with a small shrug of her shoulders; “It was because of you that it went south.”

“Because of me?”

  
“Yeah…” Nico murmurs, cheeks suddenly tinting pink and gaze flitting to the carpet. “When—when the beach party happened, when… y’know, you kissed me, I ended it with him the next day. I mean, not that anything ever really started, but—”

“Wait, really?” Karolina exclaims, stomach jumping. “Why?”

“Well,” Nico gives a faint, barely visible smile. She looks up into Karolina’s eyes and Karolina nearly melts under her gaze. “You know why.”

Karolina swallows whatever ridiculous feelings are trying to bubble up her throat. “But you didn’t even—you didn’t even want it to mean anything back then. You just kept saying it was us being drunk and stupid, and that it was nothing.”

“I know,” Nico shrugs again. “But I—” she cuts off, and Karolina watches the blush spread from her neck all the way up to her cheeks, her ears. “I don’t know—I just knew, from the moment that you kissed me, I knew it would never feel like that with him.”

Karolina _just_ barely holds back tears.

“And I—I don’t mean to sound lame, but I—” a mirthless chuckle leaves Nico's lips, “Just—If you _knew_ , or felt the way I feel about you you’d know why it didn’t occur to me you’d be this upset over _Alex_. You—you’d understand why you worrying about this, about _him_ is… just—downright ridiculous.”

At that, Karolina’s tears do escape – she lets them without an ounce of shame.

Nico doesn’t say anything else, and Karolina can’t either for a long few seconds. She hurries to gulp down the knot in her throat and bites at her lip to avoid crying when she speaks; “Well, that’s good to hear.”

“But you’re right, obviously,” Nico adds. “I... I’m sorry I didn’t realize. I should’ve—I should’ve known you wouldn’t appreciate me hanging out with him that much, when I should’ve been hanging out with you… You’re right that it isn’t—wasn’t normal. But things have been complicated with him ever since that whole thing happened."

Karolina sniffles, wipes the wetness from her face and does her very best to listen – they are just getting to the important parts of this conversation.

So Karolina asks as calmly as she can muster; “Complicated how? Explain it to me, so I’ll—so I can understand.”

Nico swiftly nods with an ‘okay.’ She holds a breath in her lungs for a moment and Karolina’s pulse thumps wildly in her ears.

“When I ended things with him, I didn’t tell him why,” Nico begins to say, uncharacteristically slowly. “I knew that I hurt him really badly because I knew he liked me… like a lot. And I made it worse by not giving him a reason… I think he thought he fucked up or whatever, I don’t know,” she waves a hand around, “it doesn’t matter. Point is, I felt guilty because I didn’t—I didn’t know what to say to him, y’know? _I_ didn’t even really know why I was doing it, exactly. Even to myself I didn’t want to admit that it was because of you… And it felt so _stupid_ to do something like that, to reject a guy I’ve been friends with since forever and who I was literally like, falling for or whatever… just ‘cause you decided to kiss me once at a party. While _drunk_. It was—it was really confusing. And—I felt bad because Alex was one of my best friends. _Is_ one of my best friends, I guess… We’ve been friends since we were like 12 and I felt like I ruined that, I still do, and it sucks because I didn’t ever wanna make things weird between us. So I just… kept— _keep_ trying to make things okay with him again, I’ve been trying to, y’know, keep him close and—well, I guess I got too… distracted with him? With like, trying to save this friendship. And because of that, I haven’t been focusing enough on you.”

Nico trails off, and Karolina tries to process all of that with all sorts of emotions swirling through her chest. As Karolina wracks her brain for something to say, Nico seems to begin to panic, because she quickly stutters out apologies.

“No, it’s—fine,” Karolina cuts in unsurely. “Well, not fine but. I get it. I think.”

Nico stares at her with big, expectant eyes.

“I’m… sorry I ruined your friendship?”

“Karolina,” Nico heaves out disbelievingly. “You don’t need to say sorry for that.”

“Has anything happened between you two since then?” Karolina finds herself blurting out the question that has been haunting her for the past months, expecting Nico to look away, or to react in a way that would confirm that suspicion, but Nico just continues to stare into Karolina’s eyes, unwavering.

“No,” she says without hesitation, and Karolina gazes at her – not necessarily looking for lies, but feeling skeptical. She cannot forget all the times Alex and Nico disappeared together at parties or get-togethers; Nico’s 17th birthday this year, at Chase’s a few weeks ago, at the party last week, and many other times. She cannot forget the way Alex often looks at Nico during lunch breaks or the way she caught them texting underneath the table two weeks ago.

Those are the reasons why she dares to second-guess; “No? What about when you and I had nothing going on, for months?”

“No,” Nico shakes her head firmly, eyes flashing with sudden desperation. “Nothing at all. Not since you kissed me.”

Karolina stares at her. Her heart is pounding and her stomach is churning into a twist, but she _needs_ to know; “I’m not necessarily talking about anything physical,” she says, and watches Nico’s brows furrow in attention. “Just… talking, texting with an undertone of ‘ _more-than-friends’…_ It’s okay if you were, I just—I'd just like to know.”

“But we weren’t,” Nico states, body tense and gaze unmoving. “Nothing’s been going on between him and I since then.”

Karolina drops her eyes to her lap, pulls her lip between her teeth.

"Karolina..."

Karolina doesn't reply.

“I’d never lie to you,” Nico insists after a bit of silence, and Karolina can feel her eyes burning into her, always alert and studying.

“I know that,” Karolina murmurs honestly.

“Then what is it?” Nico presses.

Karolina hesitates. There isn’t a single noise in the room as silence laps over them, and Karolina’s chest shakes when she finally mumbles out; “But he doesn’t know about me, does he?”

Nico squirms in her seat. “Well, no.”

Karolina balls her hand into a fist. “So you just thought that… ignoring me, not talking to me whenever he is around, acting like we’re not even really friends when he’s there would just be… okay?”

Nico stays mute.

“You thought I would just… not notice it? That you act like I’m not even there when he’s around?”

“I wasn’t—I wasn’t trying to act like you weren’t there—”

“Yes you were, Nico,” Karolina interrupts. “You didn’t talk to me, you didn’t—you didn’t touch me or even _look_ at me when he was there.”

“Okay, I know I—I acted distant with you when he was around. Because he didn’t know about us, and I didn’t wanna hurt him, so I just kept it from him but—”

“And you _didn’t_ think that would make me upset?” Nico quiets at that. Karolina feels her ribcage tighten, sees her vision go blurry from tears again. “And I didn’t even try to hide it,” Karolina points out. “You knew I was upset, but you kept acting like you didn’t know why.”

"I wasn't trying to act like I didn't know why," Nico states, voice dynamic. "I never did actually know why you were upset. And I—I'm sorry, I know I should've... seen and I know I’m fucking stupid. But I didn't. You had a few snarky comments about him, _very_ rarely, but you never actually even implied you were mad about Alex. I knew you’ve been, like, upset because of him in the past, but I didn't know you were mad because of him these past weeks."

"You didn't even _consider_ it?"

"No, I didn't," Nico says. "Whenever I asked what was wrong, which happened _a lot_ , you would always just brush me off and not say anything. You never said anything specific, then there was the thing with your parents, I kept finding you hanging out with Julie, I kept—I kept overthinking everything and I was terrified you were just simply getting _bored_ of me, and there were so many other fucking things that could've been making you act like this that no, I didn't even _consider_ it would be because of fucking _Alex_."

"You _are_ fucking stupid, then," Karolina murmurs impulsively. Nico's body instantly sags a little. "You don't pay attention at all. If you truly didn't realize this."

"I do pay attention to you," Nico tries, soft and unsure and shaky, but Karolina ignores her.

"And does he know there's nothing going on between you, too, by the way?" she questions. "Or is he just... unaware of that? Just—kept in the dark, oblivious?"

"Karolina," Nico gasps out, suddenly sounding utterly devastated. "I can't read _minds_ , but I didn't give him any indication to assume otherwise?"

"Are you sure of that, Nico?" Karolina narrows her eyes at her and she knows this is slowly but surely turning into a fight, but she can't shut her mouth just yet. "I don't wanna accuse you of shit but I do see the way he looks at you, you know? And I do see the way you interact with him, and—"

"Karolina I’m telling you, ever since you kissed me, I have never tried to make him think there was anything going on between us," Nico says and her eyes shine from something that might even be tears, but for now Karolina recognizes as panic. "I don't know if—if he likes me still, or whatever, I don't know because I haven't asked and he hasn't said anything, either."

Karolina huffs out a large rush of air. "This isn't right."

Nico's shoulders drop. "No. It isn't.” Silence laps over them for a bit, until Nico tries to say; “I’m sorry this is so—”

"Can you please leave?"

The words come out before Karolina's mind properly processes them; they both look equally shocked when they ring out, but it is Nico's voice that immediately breaks when she asks "What?"

Karolina can’t do nothing else but be honest. "I don't have the energy for this any longer."

"For what?"

Karolina turns her head to look at her – Nico's eyes don't show anything as they remain wide and colossal on Karolina's face, tears partly hidden under raging emotions.

"I just don't see the point in going back and forth on this. I just don't... I just don't have the fucking energy for any of this any more. For Alex and for—for the whole second-guessing thing and just—any of it. I'm tired of it."

The lull that stretches over them feels abruptly deafening, and Karolina waits with a fast-pounding heart and aching lungs for Nico to stand up and leave.

Nico, however, instead asks; "What do you want me to do?" and it comes out so terribly vulnerable that it sends a shiver to Karolina’s spine.

She keeps her gaze on her hands on her lap and considers that question; there are way too many things she wants Nico to do. There is way too much Karolina wants to change and Nico hasn't shown any type of determination so far.

"Change,” Karolina settles on. Nico ducks her head to catch her eyes with her own, and at the look of obvious assurance in them, Karolina finds the courage in herself to elaborate; "I can't go on like this with you any longer," she tells her faintly. "I can't take any more of this—this second-guessing and being disappointed all the time, I don't want this."

"Okay," Nico murmurs. Karolina tries to usher her tears away.

"I never wanted this with you."

Nico's fingers shakingly curl into each other. "I—I didn't want this, either. I'm sorry."

Karolina doesn't reply. Doesn't know what to. After a moment of still, Nico stands from the bed.

"I'll go, then," she says, and her voice trembles but Karolina doesn't look up. "If that's what you want. I'm glad you told me all this. I... I'll try to, um, make this better."

She waits for a response that doesn't come, and when the door falls shut behind her and Karolina is left alone in the room, it is a suffocating silence that follows.

//

On Monday morning, Karolina awakes with a galloping stomach.

Chase picks her up at their usual time and Karolina spends the twenty-minute car ride utterly lost in her head, but Chase thankfully doesn't ask. As he parks the car and begins making his way inside the building, Karolina trails after him and wracks her brain about what she is going to do, how she is going to react if Nico continues to ignore her, or act the same way she’s been acting, regardless of what they discussed yesterday.

As Karolina spots her standing by the lockers with Gert, she realizes with a painful startle that it would probably mean the worst heartbreak of her life so far.

Chase instantly directs Karolina to the pair, of course, and when they are near enough, he does not hesitate to gather Gert into a hug from behind – Karolina is left to stand there awkwardly until Nico utters a hi.

Karolina draws in a shuddery breath of air. "Hey."

Chase and Gert soon begin their usual bickering, which somewhat fills the fully uncomfortable silence that engulfs them but it isn't enough to calm Karolina's throbbing heart. It isn't for long, however; only after a small pause, Nico's boots shuffle over and her hand darts out in search of contact – Karolina welcomes it, grabs it in her own but doesn't move a single inch closer.

Nico will have to try a little bit harder for that.

"Hey," Nico mumbles into the suddenly small space between them, and Karolina keeps her gaze on the white collar of her shirt and on the rivets attached to the belt around her waist; when she focuses, she can feel whiffs of Nico's perfume wafting through the air around them and it helps quiet Karolina's racing thoughts. "You okay?"

"Yeah," she replies easily enough – bringing her gaze up, Nico's face shows an obvious expression of concern. It makes Karolina feel cared for, it allows her to think things may be okay between them. The now usual bags under Nico's eyes have only gotten larger, visible even under the layers of makeup. Her eyes also have a faint redness in them, as if she's cried not long ago. It makes Karolina quickly return the question; "Are you?"

Nico nods, squeezes Karolina's hand in her own, and Karolina thinks she sees Gert and Chase staring at them from her peripheral vision but she cannot tear her gaze away from Nico's. Nico's lips are painted bloodred and her eyeshadow is particularly dark today, which is Karolina's secret favorite look on her.

She will tell her that one of these days, maybe.

"I... I wanted to say sorry again," Nico croaks out abruptly, gently. "About yesterday. And, about everything else..." her gaze drops to her shoes as if ashamed, and it squeezes something in Karolina's ribcage. When it flickers back up to Karolina's, her eyes show a sense of conviction. "I can fix this, Karolina, if you—if you'll let me."

Karolina blinks, looks around themselves; Chase and Gert are clearly occupied with each other but the corridors are gradually filling up with students, and this whole conversation feels horribly out-of-place. Before she could open her mouth to reply, Nico cuts in again.

"Sorry, I know this is weird and I sound lame as hell," Nico stutters, "Just... I just don't want you to think I don't feel the weight of all this." Her eyes are burning with the sincerity of her words and Karolina can't ignore the warmth they elicit in her chest; because Nico is an honest person, has always been, and Karolina knows that when she says something, she truly means it.

Not finding the words to answer to that right now, Karolina only mumbles a "Thank you" in response, just as the bell rings out. Nico stays put for another long moment and it is eventually Karolina who looks away and separates their hands.

"Can we—can we talk later?" Nico hurries to ask with a sort of desperation creeping into her tone. Karolina nods with a 'sure' and turns to follow after Chase to their first lesson, but even as they start to walk away she can feel Nico's gaze stuck on the back of her head.

Walking into P.E a couple of lessons later, Karolina sits beside Tandy and Ty and indulges in light conversation; when Gert's purple hair appears in the corner of her eye she doesn't react, doesn't turn her head, only waits for Nico's next move because she doesn't want to make this easy for her.

It is true that Nico seems genuinely remorseful and aware of her actions, but Karolina won't let herself be deluded by words anymore.

She is slightly surprised, but unspeakably relieved when Nico's small body soon appears right beside her, hurrying to sit down and press their arms and knees together.

"You dress fast."

Karolina turns to look at her, skin suddenly blistering all over. "Huh?"

"You almost always get here before me," Nico says, seemingly in a much better mood than a few hours ago, and it is calming.

"No, I just get to the dressing room sooner," Karolina points out. "It's not my fault it takes you 10 minutes to walk down a flight of stairs."

"Hey!" Nico gives her shoulder a shove, making Karolina unintentionally snort out loud. "That's not true. I'm fast on the stairs."

"No you're not," Karolina taunts, "you're not fast in general, but especially not on the stairs."

"I am very athletic, I'll have you know."

"Well let's see it then," Karolina teases. "We're in PE, prove it then."

"I will," Nico declares with her chin raised.

"Fine," Karolina shrugs, smiles, and is hit with the realization that she's missed Nico this past week. It feels good to finally do this with her again; talk and poke at each other and laugh about nothing at all. It feels right.

A loud "hey guys" tears Karolina away from the brown of Nico's eyes, but the only reason it does is because it comes out of Alex's mouth. Karolina holds a breath in her lungs and silently waits for the annoyance to wash over her, for her stomach to tighten into a knot and is totally confused when it doesn't – and it is then that she remembers that she's never hated Alex, not in any way or form, and there is no reason for her to bear the guilt she's been carrying for the anger her brain developed towards him.

She's just simply been jealous.

Nico's body language changes at his emergence as well; it isn't awfully obvious, but her spine straightens in a way and her knees lean a little further in Karolina's direction. Alex joins their friends' conversation easily but it is a couple of minutes later that Nico speaks again.

"Can we do something after school?" It is merely murmured in Karolina's ear, and Karolina instantly feels excitement bubble up in her belly at the idea.

But sadly enough, she's already got plans. "I can't today. I'm going over to my dad's right after school."

"Oh." The disappointment is fully evident in Nico's tone. "Okay. What about tomorrow?"

"Okay. That can work."

"You could—you could come over to mine, if you want. Or we could go somewhere, too... whatever you want."

Karolina bites at her lip. "We'll see."

Nico gazes at her for a quiet moment, then, long enough for Karolina to feel blood rush to her cheeks; Nico's eyes shine with something Karolina can never quite decipher and every muscle in her body screams for _touch_ , for contact, for closeness with her.

But the P.E teacher commands everybody to stand, and Karolina can't do anything else but obey.

//

Karolina's father waits for her outside the school once her lessons finish. They go to pick up food for dinner, then he takes her to his apartment that has begun to feel more and more like home over the past months. She would never dare tell her mother that but she does say it to her dad, whose only reaction is a way too wide grin and an invitation to go live with him.

Karolina declines with a laugh, but she also knows he means it.

They watch crappy television, Karolina teases him about his cringy Tinder profile then impulsively blurts out that she herself has been seeing Nico. Frank's entire face clears of any expression when the words leave her lips.

"What do you mean you're seeing her?" He asks, and there is only actual confusion in his tone.

"I mean, like... dating," Karolina says, a bit of hesitation but no fear because she absolutely refuses to be afraid of this any longer. "Well, I mean, we've had a thing since last year but it's only now that it's starting to... develop somewhat."

Frank stays silent for a second, processing. "Sorry honey, I just—I didn't realize you liked girls. But at the same time, I didn't think or _know_ you liked boys either, so I suppose this shouldn't be a surprise..."

"But it is," Karolina finishes his thought, and it is only at the sight of her smile that Frank dares to nod an affirmative. "It's fine," Karolina shrugs, "we live in a heteronormative world, of course you'd assume I liked boys. But I—I never have. I've only ever liked Nico, if I'm being honest," she admits with a chuckle, surprising her own self with the abrupt outspoken honesty. "I don't remember ever really, like... thinking of anyone else the way I think of her. So."

"She's the short goth girl from your middle school, right?" Frank asks curiously, and Karolina laughs. "With the dark hair?"

"Yeah, you remember her?"

"Barely. You should invite her to dinner or something sometime, to freshen my memory."

He says it so casually, the words don't even register in Karolina's mind at first. When they do, Karolina's fork freezes mid-air and her gaze lands on her father's – Frank has got the gentlest look on his face and Karolina can only hope her eyes portray the absolute appreciation she feels for him in this moment.

//

Karolina is already sitting at her desk when Nico walks into Biology on Tuesday. Nico's gaze immediately flicks to Karolina's and Karolina basks in the warmth it soon awakens in her stomach; Nico is in all black and her hair is up in a tight bun, bringing out the sharp structure of her face in a way that is inherently attractive to Karolina.

"Hey," Nico says when she arrives at Karolina’s desk – she echoes back a shy hi and tries to figure out a way to properly look Nico in the eyes. "So are we doing something today?" Nico then asks, straight to the point, causing Karolina a small smile.

"Sure," she says. "Right after school?"

"Fine by me," Nico shrugs nonchalantly, but her eyes are exceedingly kind. "Do you have anything in mind?"

Karolina lets out a hum and drops her gaze to her lap. "Um, I don't want—I don't wanna do anything, really. Just... talk. If that's okay with y—"

"Of course," Nico swiftly interrupts. "Sorry. Of course we should talk. I wasn't trying to do anything extreme either, just... something calm."

"I'm fine with something calm," Karolina ensures – Nico's eyes flit over Karolina's features as if looking for something, but Karolina remains stoic.

"Okay," Nico then nods. "We'll figure it out, then."

"Okay," Karolina returns. Nico stands there for another slightly awkward beat of stillness, then pulls her mouth into a weird half-smile and departs to her own seat. Karolina has to bite her lip to hold back a laugh.

At lunch, Karolina is already at the table with Chase, Tandy and Ty by the time Nico arrives with Gert, Molly and... well, Alex.

It is reflexive for Nico, it seems, to occupy the seat beside Karolina's, and Karolina tries her hardest to not become too optimistic, too hopeful that things will now be okay between them. Alex is still a problem – the past weeks that Nico spent attached to him are still reality, and Karolina won't forget that so easily.

(Couldn't if she wanted to, but she doesn't want to, either. She is done playing that game.)

So as Alex sits and jumps into conversation with Nico, Karolina isn't surprised but she also isn't particularly fazed – because it isn't like she would ever want them to _not_ be friends, or something, it's just that... she just wants to feel a little more important than him. She just wants to feel a little less like she will suffocate any time he is around.

Nico entertains Alex for a short while, but she makes a very evident effort to shut down their convo and turn her attention to Karolina – Alex's mouth is half-way open to reply to her last sentence when Nico's head abruptly turns to her instead and says; "Have you thought of something to do today, by the way?"

Alex quiets at that, obviously, and so do Tandy and Ty – Tandy's eyes snap to Karolina in surprise but Karolina doesn't react, doesn't let them see how _good_ this all feels right now.

"Not really," Karolina says, lightly enough to get the others' attention away from them. "I'm fine with just... sitting somewhere, or something."

  
"We could get some snacks?"

Karolina nods.

"Did you take your mom's car this morning?"

"No," Karolina shakes her head, keeps her gaze on her lunch because she can feel Alex's eyes on them, "I rode with Chase."

"Okay, then we don't need to ride in separate ca—"

"You guys going on a picnic and not even inviting us?" Alex interrupts the conversation as casually as humanly possible, munching on his last bite and silly grin on his face – Karolina has expected some sort of remark to soon come from him, but her neck still flushes red from its awkwardness.

The table grows silent.

Everybody except Karolina and Nico looks at Alex like he's lost his entire mind, and he only makes it worse when he exclaims a loud "What?!" Nobody replies for a long few seconds until a half-swallowed chuckle bursts from Gert, and it is then that Nico says; "Nope. I'm sick of you weirdos."

"Ouch," Chase lets out just as Gert says, "Good save, Nico."

Alex seems to ignore that comment. "Since when is Karolina the least weirdo of us?" He asks with a genuine chuckle and Karolina cannot look him, or anybody else for that matter, in the eyes because all of this feels _awfully_ wrong; she doesn't want to think about what Alex will feel, how he will react when he finds out the truth and the possibility that he might hate her for it makes her sick to her stomach. And she suddenly feels an _enormous_ amount of anger for Nico: Alex didn't, _doesn't_ deserve this, and Nico made a mistake keeping him in the dark.

"Since always," Nico replies ever-indifferently but Karolina is now looking at her phone to check how much time they have left of lunch break. Nico's eye follows the motion, and Karolina only notices her knee is bouncing up and down when a palm rests on top of it.

It does not make it stop.

"I love a nice picnic though, and the weather's perfect for it too," Alex continues obliviously.

Nico's body tenses. "We know," she deadpans, "that is why we're doing it."

"Well that's settled, then," Alex grins, taunting and intentionally annoying, but Nico seems to not be having any of it right now – her gaze keeps jumping to Karolina and when Karolina doesn't meet it, her spine goes rigid and Karolina knows she is about to snap. "When are we meeting?"

"We aren't meeting _you_ anywhere."

"Why not?" Alex goes on, and Karolina sees that mischievous sparkle in his eyes that lets her know he is only joking, and she is sure Nico sees it as well, but her hold on Karolina's knee is now solid enough to almost-hurt, and that is why Karolina finally brings her eyes up to meet Nico's.

She is startled by the burning look of worry in them, intense enough to call it panic, and Karolina very subtly tries to shake her head at her; Nico's gaze flits all over her features but she doesn't seem to understand, she doesn't seem to notice anything other than the fact thatKarolina is uncomfortable.

"You're oblivious, Wilder," Chase chuckles, and Karolina turns to look at him to tell him to _shut up_ , but he is just grinning like this situation is the best joke he's ever been apart of.

"Why am I oblivious?"

"You don't see when you're not wanted, man," Chase giggles and Gert snorts into her food and Karolina balls her hand into a fist because she doesn't understand how they don't see that _nothing_ about this is funny. Nico keeps throwing anxious glances at Karolina and Karolina wonders which one of them will explode first.

"But I know where I _am_ wanted, though, alright," Alex teases and he is smirking, he is chuckling and he really hasn't got _any_ idea, and Karolina drops her fork on the table just as Nico exclaims; "Alex would you shut the fuck up for once in your life, please?"

_(So it will be Nico who explodes, it seems.)_

Everyone instantly quiets, and Alex's frowning, wholly confused face is the only thing Karolina can focus on.

  
"What did I just do?!"

"You're being fucking annoying, that's what," Nico sneers, angry and untamed, and Karolina jerks her knee away from Nico's painful hold on it; Nico's head snaps towards her but Karolina doesn't react. Nico is soon leaning in and trying to catch her gaze but Karolina is way too mortified to allow the eye-contact.

"I was just joking," Alex defends, and he isn't _guilty_. He didn't do anything wrong, and everybody except Nico seems to get that.

"Well it wasn't funny, Alex," Nico growls, then ducks in further towards Karolina to ask in a much softer tone; "You alright? I'm..." she trails off but Karolina hears the 'sorry' that she leaves out, but it doesn't help at all right now.

"Alright well, sorry?" Alex squeals out, at last. "Didn't mean to upset anyone? Jeez."

Chase replies something to that but Karolina doesn't quite catch it as Nico is saying her name over and over again, then Tandy is murmuring something in her ear, and it all eerily suddenly becomes so overwhelming that Karolina reflexively rises from her chair and grabs her things to escape. There is Nico's hand immediately in her own hand, but Karolina doesn't allow it to linger and departs with a short "I gotta go, see you guys."

She is halfway down the corridor to her next class by the time Nico catches up to her.

"Karolina, please wait," she calls out, just as her hand finds Karolina's again. Karolina slows down with a loud sigh out through her nose. "Hey, I'm sorry about that. Please don't run off."

Nico's eyes seem to have a raging storm inside of them, and it spikes concern deep inside Karolina; she doesn't let it overtake her, however, instead focuses on her own fiery emotions.

"What are you sorry for?" She spits out before her mind could think, words laced with her venom. Nico falters for a moment, but swiftly recovers.

"For all of that. Listen," she exhales, "I know this whole situation is messed up."

"Thanks to you," Karolina interjects bitterly.

Nico's brows pull into a frown. "I—Yeah," she drops her chin, and it twists guilt in Karolina's chest. "I'm sorry. I—I'll talk to him soon. I'll tell him soon, just... I just haven't had the chance yet."

Anger shoots through Karolina at that. "What do you _mean_ you haven't had the chance?" She exclaims, loud and dynamic. "It's been two days since we talked, Nico."

"I tried to, okay?" Nico tries to defend, but Karolina's eyes roll to the back of her head in annoyance. "I tried to talk to him yesterday. But he had stuff and couldn't meet me."

Karolina stares at her. Nico is not lying, Karolina is sure of that, but this entire situation is so excessively aggravating that Karolina genuinely can't bear more of it any longer.

"You should talk to him today, then," she states in a tone that leaves no room for argument.

Nico's frown promptly deepens. "Today?"

Karolina nods. "After school. Talk to him instead."

"But we already agreed on today."

"I know that, Nico," Karolina says with another roll of her eyes. "But this is more important. I already told you I can't do this with you and I wasn’t joking.”

Nico halts, and Karolina nearly gasps from the weight of that sentence. When Nico’s eyes become shiny from tears, Karolina drags her gaze away and down towards the ground because it _hurts_ way too much – the silence that falls over them is grim despite the background chatter of students, and Karolina is eminently relieved when Nico finally breaks it, voice hoarse; "Alright. I'll talk to him today."

Karolina nods and murmurs an "okay," still without meeting Nico's tearful gaze – and as much as she wishes to brush them away and squeeze Nico against herself, she is still frustrated enough to allow the want to escape engulf her.

"I gotta go to class," she mumbles under her breath, and Nico gives a solemn nod as if she's expected it.

"Okay," Nico echoes back, then clears her throat and sniffles. "I'll text you later."

Karolina only nods and walks off.

//

From the time Karolina arrives home from school, her day is spent constantly checking her phone and biting down her nails in nervousness. She tries to study but her brain keeps imagining scenarios of how Nico and Alex's talk might be going, and she can barely focus on anything else as the minutes, hours pass.

Nico's promised text comes at almost 11 PM, and Karolina's brain short-circuits for a bit when she reads the words it says: _'Hey. Can you come out rn? I'm at your house.'_

It is by the third read that Karolina processes what the message asks of her. She hurries to jump out of bed and yank a hoodie over her pajama shirt, before basically sprinting down the stairs and out the front door. She makes sure the door shuts lightly behind herself to not alarm her mother, then her gaze lands on Nico's black car standing right in front of their driveway.

Just out of sight of her mother's bedroom window, Karolina notes.

Karolina shuffles over in her flip-flops, squints at the brightness of the car's lights. She watches Nico round the vehicle to come face-to-face with her, and Karolina marvels at the fact that Nico somehow manages to look _this_ annoyingly pretty at 11PM with barely any makeup on and a messy bun atop her head.

"Hey," Nico speaks faintly, hand seemingly instinctively darting out to reach for Karolina – Karolina mimics the motion and lets their hands intertwine with an abruptly pounding heart. "I hope I didn't wake you?"

"No," Karolina croaks out, clears her throat. "No, I wasn't asleep."

"Okay, then."

Nico just stares at her for a moment, and Karolina's brows draw into a frown – her eyes seem tired but they aren't necessarily sad, and Karolina rakes her gaze over her form in sudden concern. "Are you okay? Why—"

"Yeah, no, I'm fine," Nico quickly ensures. "Just—I just... Uh." Her gaze drops, and it is an automatic motion for Karolina to pull her in closer; Nico comes willingly, her small body colliding with Karolina's front without restrain. Before Karolina could have a chance to process what is happening, Nico's arms are coming up to snake around her waist and her shoulders are beginning to shake from silent tears.

Karolina squeezes her to herself and presses a kiss into her neck.

"It's okay," she murmurs slowly, clearly against her warm skin, her own throat suddenly closing up. "Shh, it's okay, I'm here. You're okay. You're okay."

She doesn't cry for long. In only about a minute Nico is pulling back and looking back up at Karolina with honest, gleaming brown eyes.

"Sorry," she sniffs, blinks some tears away.

"What’s wrong?"

"Nothing," Nico says, voice low and wiping at her cheeks with her sleeve, and Karolina feels herself begin to tremble. "I just... I hate when you're mad at me and I wanted to see you. And... and talk to you..."

"What happened?"

"Nothing," Nico instantly shakes her head. "Nothing. I'm just..." she trails off, releases a quiet, shaky breath that has Karolina's whole body flooding with worry.

"Nico." Her hands curl into the back of Nico's sweater to inch her closer – Nico's hands land on Karolina's shoulders for support.

"S’fine."

"What happened?" Karolina repeats, eyes jumping all over Nico's face. "Did he—did he say something to you?"

Nico is shaking her head. "No. No, he didn't. Nothing like that."

"What did he say, then?" Karolina insists, and she tries to hide the anger slowly but surely consuming her body right now but Nico's fingers are starting to draw circles into her shoulder blades, so she doesn't think she actually manages.

"Nothing," Nico rushes out. "He was cool about it. He was—he was surprised and obviously not happy with it, but he wasn't—he didn't say anything bad. I was just—like, overwhelmed or something. I don't know." Nico's nervous eyes flit around for a beat. "I just wanted to see you and tell you I told him."

Karolina processes that information, tries to believe it no matter how skeptical she feels. Nico's soothing touches against her hoodie calm her heartrate, and the only thing left is that warm, wobbly feeling in her stomach that comes from being close to her.

After a moment of absolute silence, Karolina asks; "So it went well, then?"

Nico nods. “He was a little mad... asked why I didn't tell him sooner. But he didn't—he didn't say anything bad at all. He was just shocked."

"Were you scared he would?" Karolina asks softly. Nico hesitates, but eventually nods. "You could've told me. We could've told him together if you were scared..."

"No," Nico hurriedly disagrees. "I didn't wanna make this your problem, too, when it was—it's my thing."

Karolina feels something very similar to guilt twist in her stomach. "I—I'm sorry I pressured you to tell him."

"Karolina," Nico releases a dumbfounded chuckle, but it doesn't make Karolina feel any better. "You didn't pressure me. I should've told him ages ago, it's fine."

"But still—"

"No," Nico cuts her off, and her arms move to wrap around Karolina's shoulders. Karolina promptly pulls her in closer, until there is barely an inch between their faces and Nico's warm, trembly breath is tickling her chin; Karolina feels her pulse rapidly escalate, feels her body run hot in anticipation. "Stop that," Nico tells her, barely above a whisper, "I'm just relieved that it's finally done."

Karolina doesn't reply – she is relieved, too. She hasn't felt this light in weeks. But instead of telling Nico that, she presses a kiss to her lips.

There is only a second of lull on Nico's part, before her brain catches up to her and she is soon kissing back. At first, it aches – it's been several, _several_ weeks Karolina last got to do this and as much time as she spent thinking about it, her imagination could never do it justice: Nico somehow manages to completely unravel her, completely _derange_ her with just the press of her lips against her own, leave Karolina breathless but constantly grasping for more. Nico's back soon hits the side of her car but Karolina isn't even slightly ashamed to show the yearning she feels; she _needs_ Nico, she has always needed Nico for as long as she can remember and she is _utterly_ done being afraid of that.

Nico, however, gladly receives it; her hands continue to pull Karolina against herself further, with sure hands on her waist and lips parting to bring her in deeper. Karolina unhesitatingly goes – her head spins away with the sensation of Nico's body pressing into hers and Nico's tongue in her mouth and her strong grip around her body, and it takes only a minute or so for moans to spill out of her from the sheer pleasure of it all.

Shudders run through Nico at the sounds.

There are fingers curling in Karolina's hair, gasps released into her mouth and there is her heart beating wildly, hammering deep inside of her belly. If Nico only ever knew of the effects she has on Karolina, Karolina is sure half of their issues would have been long solved. And Karolina _does_ wish she could be more honest with her – she does wish things never turned so complicated between them, but sadly neither her nor Nico are uncomplicated people, and that is something she's long accepted.

They just need to navigate that. Better from now on.

Karolina pulls back after a lengthy moment, but not because she desires to, it is only the lack of oxygen to her brain making her. Nico chases her for a second but Karolina turns her head so Nico's lips land on her cheek instead. Nico whimpers low in her throat.

"I—I should get back," Karolina pants out through wet lips. Nico falters, then presses her nose to her cheek. "Before my mom notices I'm out."

"Why would she go into your room?" Nico asks in a murmur, and that _is_ a valid question – but the urge to invite Nico inside right now is becoming almost unbearable to push down, and Karolina feels the need to escape.

"She does sometimes," Karolina says, not necessarily lying. "She used to a lot when we—when we were on good terms."

"Well you're not anymore," Nico breathes against Karolina's skin, a little seductive and a little persuasive, bringing a flush to Karolina's cheeks and a chuckle up her throat. "What? Are you?"

"No," Karolina says, but detangles herself from Nico nevertheless. Nico gives her an unamused glare. "But still. You should go, too. We've got school tomorrow."

"Oh my God, you are a fucking nerd."

"Fuck you," Karolina snorts. Nico's arms then tighten back around her, forcing her back into a hug – Karolina quickly returns it and buries her face in Nico's hair. "Thanks for stopping by, by the way."

"Well you're not appreciating it nearly enough," Nico mumbles but Karolina can hear the tease in her tone, and Karolina pulls back from the embrace to bop her on the nose. Nico scrunches her face at it. "Alright, go get your beauty sleep," she then says as a way of goodbye, hands falling away from Karolina's body and leaving Karolina immediately going cold. Before she could over-analyze it, she impulsively leans down to press another, last kiss to Nico's mouth, then finally steps back and says; "Goodnight, Nico. Drive safe."

Nico's smile stretches all the way across her face. "Goodnight, Karolina."

And as Karolina falls back into her bed, her chest is filled to the brim with endless hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter we're tackling the Julie-problem, so prepare...  
> thank you for the kind comments!!


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